REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 6/20/12

Tamra is arriving at True Food Kitchen to meet Heather and Gretch and share her happy engagement news. True Food is the brother restaurant of my former-favorite dining establishment (now closed), and I am sad to see they don’t have the Greyhound cocktail or the bourbon bread pudding on their menu. No need for me to stop by when I am next in Newport, I suppose. Anyway, Heather knows about the engagement because Tamra called her from Bora Bora. She’s all excited and wearing what my Boston Proper catalog calls a “cold shoulder” top with armor around the keyholes. “Tammy Sue’s getting married!” she crows! How will Gretch react to this news, since she’s not? We’re about to find out, as Gretch wheels in shrieking far, far off camera, wearing her biggest and best pageant wig, blue skinnies and the matching pelts of a toucan hanging from each earlobe. Gretch supposedly isn’t in on the news but it sure looks like someone is trying to occupy more screen space in this interaction.

Tammy whips out her old-school photo album (that was quick. I haven’t assembled a photo album in a good ten years) and confirms the news. I hope those tattoo-removal scars fade because they really take away from the beauty of her sparkly new celebration of love. Where’s Vic for all this? Well, she hasn’t called Tammy back, and Tammy thinks it’s because she felt left out when Tammy was with Simon and now isn’t going to be happy she’s moved on to someone else, either. Gretch is also slightly concerned that Tammy may be plunging forward a little fast, because as we might recall her divorce was only final about seven episodes ago, but she is sure the third time will be a charm and admires her faith in the future. Heather is going to plan the shower, while Gretch is going to plan the bachelorette party. Sounds about right.

At the Somethingwater Grill, which I think we’ve visited before, Assy is meeting her “really good friend” Shotgun Sarah on the deck for dinner. Assy is wrapped up in the bearskin rug on which Jumbo was reclining in his cheetah mankini just hours before, because it’s cold! As evidenced by the total absence of any other diners on the chilly deck this evening. Since when is Shotgun Sarah Assy’s friend? I thought it was Gretch who brought her to the garbage bag dinner at Vic’s in the first or second episode, and that Assy didn’t even know her. Well, now they are great friends, because everyone else has abandoned The Ass, and I have to feel sorry for her.

But Assy don’t care! She came home from Costa Rica and called everyone she knew to see if they also thought she was a fake and a phony, and they all to a person said she’s as real as they get in the OC. Assy theorizes that the other gals are mistaking kindness for phoniness. I don’t think there’s a lot of confusing the two, but regardless I do have to agree that there was no justification for them all piling on. Assy tells Sarah, who looks like Octomom, how everyone but Vic kicked her while she was on the jungle floor, and now she has to go to Heather’s party alone because Jumbo won’t go. Oh, Sarah will go instead! She can’t wait!

So about that party: Heather is so excited about her first party as “Mrs. Heather Dubrow”. Call me old fashioned (I personally consider myself “tradition conscious”), but I always find the Mrs. Lady Name sort of weird. I consulted Emily (Post, of course), who indicated that this is a perfectly appropriate form of title these days, and certainly Heather has been Mrs. Terry Dubrow for some time and as she’s now Heather Dubrow referring to herself as Mrs. That would effectively draw attention to that change. Anything and everything goes, I suppose. Anyway, the party’s almost ready: there are incredible arrangements of peuce flowers climbing up and over and around various silver bulbs and sculptural elements, an extensive array of all-white furniture scattered along the lawn, and champagne flutes ready to be filled. Each contains a diamond, and one of those diamonds is actually real! Wonder who the lucky sipper will be. Everything’s come together perfectly except The Cake. Oh, The Cake. Last week we were led to believe it was going to be large and classic and elegant. It turns out it’s small, whimsical, and in general better suited to a child’s party than Fancypants’ coming out as a Dubrow. In fact, The Cake may pale a bit in comparison to the McNuggets’ Puppies n’ Princesses cake, which will no doubt make Assy feel big and proud.

Over at Vic’s brown house, she’s getting ready for the party and shares that she heard about Tammy’s engagement and yes, she does think it’s too soon, which is why she didn’t bother returning Tammy’s call. Such a friend. Donn2 rolls up in Vic’s chauffeured limousine and pops out with his new teeth and a garment bag. I do hope he’s got an extra 6 inches of length and 10 inches of width to add to Vic’s dress because she looks like a sausage packed into a too-small casing. Fat girl in little dress… but instead of bringing Vic a more suitable frock, he’s instead brought her a… NEW FUR COAT! Wahoo! It’s a knee length mink and Vic is thrilled even though I personally think knee length looks a bit 1930’s football stadium to me. I’m not getting into the whole PETA thing, but have to say I’d rather see Vic in a knee-length mink than a skin-tone thong like Bethenny Frankel, just saying. Vic thinks this is the most romantic gift she’s ever received, and points out to us all that “the guy can afford a mink”. Well, that settles it – who were we to worry? Speaking of, this is going to be the first time Vic has seen Briana since their epic fight. Vic is still disappointed in Briana, and it’s time for Briana to get over it. I’d say it’s time for Vic to get over her disappointment, but that’s just me.