REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 6/20/12

Tammy Sue and Eddie are hopping in a limo, too. Tammy’s not wearing her engagement ring because US hasn’t had a chance to run their exclusive yet. Tammy acknowledges that Fancypants’ house is a chi-chi destination, so unlike at Vic’s brown house there will be no b*tchslapping or wine throwing, from Tammy at least. Tammy tells Eddie that Vic had told her she thought their relationship was moving too fast, even though it’s been three years. Meanwhile, rumor has it that Vic’s got a joint checking account with Donn2 who she barely knows, and Tammy’s going to make sure that rumor gets spread by repeating it ON CAMERA. Donn2 drives Vic’s car, lives in her condo, holds her purse, goes with her to get her nails done, but does he work? And who puts up with that crap?

Assy’s in a car with Shotgun Sarah, and Gretch is in her own limo with the Gorton’s Fisherman. Everyone’s topic of conversation is how Assy is going to fare at this event after the Phontervention in Costa Rica, Mexico. Vic tells Donn2 how sad it all was – Assy wouldn’t let Gretch in, it was raining, there were monkeys everywhere – and she just thinks it was a “nasty” thing of Tammy, Gretch, and Heather to launch on poor Assy. Tammy expects Assy to give them a whole phony act like nothing ever happened and everything’s fine. Well, what she supposed to do? Sulk? Any self-respecting person is going to put on her big girl panties and a big smile, and Assy is a lot of things including self-respecting. Shotgun Sarah is ready to take the b*tches down, but Assy asks her to show some restraint because Jumbo is going to have lunch with Dr. Terry next week and handle the whole thing. This is all going to work out fantastic.

Finally: the gang begins to descend on the Chateau HT for the Dubrowdebut, otherwise known as the Final Episode Party where even the fringe characters must appear. The A List arrives first; Assy is wearing that bearskin rug again while Sarah is teetering along in a fur bolero she found in a gutter in the red light district, and you can hear their knees clanking. Heather is appalled that the uninvited Sarah has stalked into her house looking like a stripper; this is her first season and she supposedly didn’t watch before, so she can be forgiven for not expecting randoms. Quinn Fry and Lynne Curtin are no doubt around the corner in a taxi, too.

Vic and Donn2 roll up, observe that the Chateau HT is a classy place, and Vic introduces herself to the person who opens the door, who responds “Hi, I’m the caterer”. Arriving on the patio Vic is equally friendly to Tamra and Shotgun Sarah, which says everything about where the cards lie right now, before telling everyone about her NEW FUR COAT! Have you heard? 25,000! It’s like my compulsion to announce to the world that I bought my clothes at Target when someone compliments me, except I didn’t really hear anyone ask Vic about her NEW FUR COAT.

Gretch arrives with the Gorton’s Fisherman in a white fur bathrobe made out of kittycats and a pink Barbie dress the Magical Penis picked out all by hisself. She’s got white feathers in her pageant wig and will drive off in a pink Corvette with Skipper after the party. Gretch observes that Assy is acting normal and that it’s all a facade. Well, yes! After people have humiliated you publicly, one tends to put on a happy face and act like the b*tches didn’t get you down. I say good for Assy and keep it up.

The second wave of B List guests then begin to roll in, first with Fat Ryan, Vic’s assistant who has no name, and then Briana, who barely acknowledges her mother. “Look at the NEW FUR COAT Donn2 bought me,” cries Vic. “Whoa,” says Briana. “My dress cost $20.” Lovesit.

Assy and Shotgun Sarah are stumbling around the Chateau and Sarah is clanking over the ropes to enter the off-limits areas. She went into the kitchen and found some balls and is now eating them. Assy peers into Sarah’s face in the powder room and informs her that her eyes look drunk and they need to start drinking water. Buckle up, kittycats.