REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 6/20/12

And then the C List starts to arrive, featuring Jeana! Jeana is like the Cousin Geri of the Real Housewives at this point. Jeana and her daughter, Kara, are supposedly guests of Gretch and the Magical Penis, because you know the eVite option to “invite others” was left open. She introduces herself to Heather and Terry who appear increasingly confused and are sticking together for safety at this point. Vic no longer has any relationship with Jeana and misses her, even though they are still neighbors. She shows Jeana her NEW FUR COAT and introduces her new man, Donn2, who Jeana has no doubt seen rifling through the mailbox in his underpants once or twice. Kara makes a series of scenes involving throwing herself at Donn2, putting on a plastic poncho, and shouting RH-themed one-liners at the assembled. I am wondering if she’s trying to hold an orange in season 8, and whether she’s had work done.

Furthering my theory, Kara takes Tammy aside in search of a resolution to the wine-throwing incident, and more camera time. Kara asks Tammy why she had to get so ghetto with her mother, who after all is just a “gentle giant”. Gentle indeed, when she was looming over little Tammy Sue and booming out threats to toss her into the pool. The whole thing started over an incident after Tammy and Simon broke up, wherein Simon allegedly threw a retractable dog leash at Tammy’s head and she had him arrested for domestic violence. Jeana took it upon herself to make comments about the incident to the local media that seemed to blame Tammy for it all, or at least claim it was untrue. I saw Jeana on WWHL last year in which she explained that all she was trying to do was protect Simon’s reputation and preserve his opportunities to get work and support his three children since the whole thing was getting far too much publicity. I can appreciate Jeana’s motivations, but the fact of the matter is that adults have to bear the consequences of their decisions; if Simon did it, he has to suck it up, and if Tammy exaggerated/overreacted/lied about it, so does she, and Jeana should have stayed out of it. It seems everyone has since had a chance to simmer down and get over it, and they all end up blubbering and calling each other baby and saying “I love you”. And that takes care of that.

So finally the D-list arrives, in the form of Heather’s Emmy-nominated friend Dina, who informs the hostess that a drunken skank in a red dress who is dating a 60-year-old just ate the bow off her cake. Interestingly, the same skank also supposedly was ridden hard and hung up wet by Jeana Keough’s son, Shane, and Jeana is notably nowhere to be found… anyhoo, Heather stomps up to Shotgun Sarah and demands to know if she “defiled” The Cake. Sarah admits she ate a “small chunk”. Why? “I ate it because I wanted to,” she defiantly announces.

Heather cannot believe any of this, and neither can I. Sarah can’t understand why breaking a chunk off The Cake and popping it into her piehole like crickets in Thailand could possibly be considered a big deal. “I have a sugar problem,” she whines. “I need sugar.” Vic opines that “it’s not a sugar problem you have, it’s an alcohol problem! Stop drinking!” “Is it a sugar problem wrapped up in a rudeness problem?” asks Heather. I’d say it’s an attention-seeking problem soaked in booze and wearing a belt as a dress in an effort to move up to the A list and hold an orange. In Part 2 we’ll probably find out she’s not wearing underwear like Paris Hilton, or Sonja Morgan. Who wants to bet Shotgun Sarah and Kara Keough will be going squirrel monkey on Season 8?

Sarah gets all snarky and offers to put another bow or even a replacement cake on her maxed-out credit card. Vic calls her classless. Heather calls her rude. Sarah tells Tamra she’s fake and Heather she’s pretentious. Assy is taking the position that this is not a big deal and is all getting blown out of proportion, because what else is she supposed to say? She alleges that the Heathers are going after Shotgun Sarah the way they drove her off into the jungle to be attacked by monkeys, and Tamra sizes the pair of them up as Dumb and Dumber. Heather hands Sarah an Oreo and tells her to go quiet down and start over, same as she handles the four-year-old. Sarah’s on “the hamster wheel”, as Heather calls it. It’s like a bratty nine-year-old who has to ruin her best friend’s birthday because she’s jealous. The fact of the matter is that Sarah came loaded for bear and seeking airtime, and here Assy is defending the indefensible. If the shoe was on the other foot…

Next time, on Part 2 of the season finale: Heather finally kicks Shotgun Sarah to the curb; Vicki tries to talk to Marine Ryan about Briana, while Tammy and Briana gossip about Donn2; Vic and Tamra scream in each other’s faces, and the wheels come off. Toodle-oo, cockatoos!

Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
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