As the blondes gossip and consider knitwear options, Briana labors and labors and labors and after apparently enduring her OB sticking his entire forearm up the birth canal on camera finally delivers baby Troy by emergency c-section. Baby Troy is super cute, it must be said. With that, Vic has become Grandma Vic, the first grandma Housewife. History is made. (Actually, now that I think about it NeNe is the first grandma Housewife, so forget it.)
The next day, Gretch is at home in her ponytail wig trying to figure out how to make coffee. In a KEURIG. What a bunch of crap – if this was the Cuisinart Grind & Brew I would sympathize – my father once advised my husband to take my sister’s coffeemaker outside and “hose it off” after a particularly spectacular fail making morning coffee in the Cuis. The Keurig is idiotproof, even for the likes of Gretch. Nonetheless, Gretch phones Slade at work to ask whether she should press button #1, #2, or #3. Is she worried a rabid ferret will leap from the water tank if she pushes the wrong button? Slade is now a radio host, so really, calling in the middle of his morning show to ask about the cup size? This is blonde bullsh*t to fill airtime and explain why Slade Slimey’s not at home in a pink bathrobe curling Gretch’s wig. Now that Slade’s got a real job, it all falls to Gretch and her new assistant, Sindy, to hock the 15 vinyl handbags and 30 boxes of turquoise eyeshadow because bizness is booming. Has anyone ever seen a Gretchen Christine handbag or Gretchen Christine beutay products for sale anywhere? Just wondering.
Speaking of retail powerhouses, it’s time to visit the Jumbellinos at home in their new residence, which they are NOT RENTING thank you! This new home is 6000 square feet, features five bedrooms and six bathrooms, and decorating it is very stressful because Jumbo loves hideous art and Assy is too stupid to appreciate it, or so he says. Assy tells us that her marriage was strained previously not because her fat moron husband is a smug, pretentious asshat, but because she was “spreading herself too thin”. Thus she’s given up her Fox 5 news anchoring gig and has “downsized” Assy Couture. And now everything is PERFECT! Including Assy’s new shorter wig! Like the blondes, the Jumbellinos discuss “bullying” and Assy reads us a definition from Merriam-Webster that supports her view that everyone’s treatment of her in Costa Rica, Mexico was straight out of a Lifetime movie. Jumbo thinks Assy needs to be surrounded by “positive women” who will support her, also known as “yes girls”. He believes those broads tore his wifey down like a pack of wolves. Wolves! Assy tells us she’s glad Heather didn’t invite her to her clambake because she didn’t want to go anyway. And PS, Tammy stole Assy’s best friend! Are you there, God? It’s me, Alexass!
Party time, because every Housewife season must begin and end with a party. Heather has set up a whole inside type table outside on a bluff and who is she expecting? There’s seating for about 20 here. In the background there’s a weird photo backdrop hanging off a hedge – is this is some kind of weird step-and-repeat, or just meant to block the view of the neighbor’s construction? Heather picks and pesters and rearranges, and confirms the menu: lobster, green beans, corn, and delicious new potatoes. No: clams, or onion rings. “Boooo!” shouts Dr. Terry. Question: was Heather at Grandma Vic’s crawfish boil? Wasn’t that last year? Didn’t everyone scoff at having to dismember their own food? Crawfish are like mini lobsters, so it should logically follow that lobsters are like giant crawfish. Insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result, Heather.
Tammy Sue and Eduardo drop the Flintstone flaps and motor over to collect Gretch; it would seem Slimey’s radio gig is morning, noon, and night because he’s working, again. Making up for lost time, it seems. Eduardo is wearing a sheer v-neck undershirt (klassy!) while the girls accidentally ended up dressing EXACTLY THE SAME in red-orange tops, white jeans, and gold belts! My best friend and I did that one day in first grade and Mrs. Stahl could still tell us apart. Tammy is nervous about seeing Grandma Vic. She pulls up a photo on her phone to show Gretch Vic’s new face. Eduardo, like me, can’t really tell exactly what she did. Was it all worth it, Vic? All the expense, the pain, having the fat sucked out and then put right back in? You know Tammy’s going to call you Buttface now, right?
In Vic’s limo, she’s arriving alone for the first time ever anyplace and is nervous about it, as well as about her frozen face. She blames Tammy for the “toxic chattering” that has ruined their friendship as well as Vic’s tank-filling relationship with Donn2. Gretch and Tammy discuss the same thing with the Dubrows, having arrived at the chateau at last, and the group questions whether Vic and Donn2 have really broken up. Dr. Terry tells the group that he and Donn2 had drinks just two weeks ago and everything was fine in the love tank business then, so…. Gretch thinks that to break up with Donn2 would be to admit that everyone else was right about him, did Vic ever think about that? Tammy announces that she thinks Donn2 was “conceived anally, because he’s the biggest asshole I know!” Gross. She’s been saving that one up.
Finally Vic lumbers in with totally rumpled hair and her dress all hitched up. Gretch tells Tammy to say go say hi, but the two ignore each other. This is going to be a long season, filled with wedding shenanigans, new Housewives, fertility treatments, makeups, breakups, pot stirring, allegations of deviant sexual behavior, and at least one tongue stuck to the wall of an igloo. Finally, the world makes sense again.
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
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