The next night at Vic’s brown house. Baby Troy is really sick with a fever and diarrhea and throwing up, and Briana, who is a nurse, doesn’t know what to do. I know what you have to do: go to urgent care! Fever + vomiting = instant dehydration, especially for a newborn. Go, go!! Screw the party rehashing over pizza and salad. Briana isn’t listening to me; Gramma Vic seems unconcerned. Vic tells Briana that Tammy is “on probation” and Gretch is “a bitch”. Sounds about right. She admires Briana’s new “push present” ring and complains that she had to buy her own wedding band. Both times. Looks like she could make that a third if she keeps playing her cards this way!
Speaking of Gretch, Grayson’s surgery has gone “badly” so her pocket gay is over to wigsit while she races off to NYC to be with Slade. I’m sure her presence is going to help a lot. No more of her this episode, thank the lawd.
Meanwhile, Tammy’s at a Mexican restaurant with Eddie; she tells us that dining at a Mexican establishment “brings out Eddie’s inner beaner”. How klassy. She tries to tell him a bit about the party and Eddie’s not interested; he wants to talk about the fact that he’s too busy right now to learn about wedding planning, let alone do any wedding planning, so as far as setting a date and getting going Tammy can either do it herself if she wants to move it along, or wait until he’s got time to start working on his Pinterest boards and read up on the old issues of Martha Stewart Weddings and Brides he’s been stockpiling by the bed. Tammy interprets this as a wish to not get married at all. Why’d he ask? Well, because Bravo asked him to, you fool!
A new day dawns and we’re back at the brown house where the greater Vic family is visiting: her redneck brother, Billy, who we’ve met before and who has not improved with time; her sisters Lisa and Kathy; and her mother, who relates a road rage incident in the most hellishy screeching voice I have ever heard in my entire blessed life. It’s like a cat being bathed and then given a blow out. Please do not ever bring this woman back, Mr. Andy! P.S. the ladies all miss Donn1. Don’t we all?
At the Casa Jumbellino, Lex is attired in a hippie costume with a flapper headband and lacks adequate breast support. My boobs are half that size and I don’t go around with such stringy camisole straps, are you kidding me? One false move and KAPOW! The girls are out and on the loose. Anyway, who stops by but Lex’s one friend in the world, Puberty Lydia, here to ostensibly help unpack and decorate. Right. They rehash the pink gym party: Lydia still feels it was a shocking spectacle, but also thinks Lex needs to get real about the whole deal. She quotes some Bible thing about how Jesus said you need to be prepared to forgive “70 times 7 times”, which basically means being endlessly forgiving and take it as it comes without complaint.
In other words, Lydia would never have gone to Tammy’s party; she thinks what Lex is engaged in is essentially tit-for-tat to infinity and beyond. And she is so totally right on! Who would have thought the voice of reason could have arrived in the form of a real-life Bratz doll. PL asks Lex why this keeps happening, and Lex ducks, like she always does. Lydia then challenges Lex to start trying to resolve the situation by taking them aside one by one, Heather first because she seems most reasonable, and try to talk things through with each of them directly. Assy ain’t gonna do it! Nope! She doesn’t have time! Because of the G-O-D! She can’t see Heather for lunch because of God? I am confused, and so is Puberty Lydia. She can see why the ‘Wives don’t like Assy: they try to get real with her, and she responds by getting emotional and defensive. Oh, I so know what she’s talking about. It’s a hamster wheel, it is.
Back again at the brown house with Vic’s thousand pounds of relatives. Brother Billy likes Donn2 and shares with Vic that he wishes he was allowed around the house because then the beer fridge wouldn’t get moldy. Vic tells him that Ryan has laid down the law on no Donn2, and that he’s also surrounded the house with video surveillance cameras to keep “creeps” out. Vic doesn’t like it because it might catch D2 trying to clear the fence and climb in her window for some tank-filling. MamaVic, on the other hand, does not like Donn2 and she and Ryan have a little whisper about it. Ryan shares a story about Donn2 leering and making salacious comments about Mexican hookers in a drug store. Dude, anyone who wants to lay pipe with a Mexican hooker is bad news. When it’s your mother-in-law’s boyfriend, that’s IT. End of story. Get more cameras.
The next day, Vic and Brother Billy have lunch with her son, Mike, who has moved out and won’t tell his mother his address. Interesting. It seems Mike thinks Donn2 is fine, or at least he couldn’t care less, I’d say the latter. Billy is now getting all worked up that Ryan should not be entitled to an opinion about Donn2, because he is “not even part of the family”. Excuse me? In fact, he and Briana should “get out”. Fighting words!
Next time: Puberty Lydia deals with her pothead mother. I didn’t see that one coming, that’s for sure. Tammy and Vic are having issues with Wine By Wives. Vic has a confrontation with Ryan about Donn2, Jumbo tells Lex to stop taking crap, and Dr. Terry decides to be an undermining parent. Good times ahead!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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