Vamanos! The gates of Coto open and we have our first intro with Puberty Lydia, whose slogan is something about you only live once so make it good. How philosophical! Speaking of Puberty Lydia, she’s meeting Heather and Tammy for a champagne-heavy, carb-light lunch where they can all get together and talk about Lex behind her boobs. Lydia tells the ladies that she has known Lex three or four months, which is curious and convenient timing. She also tells the ladies that she thought things were a little unnecessarily rough at Tammy’s gym dinner. “I am vocal,” responds Tammy. “You are straight crazy,” Lydia tells us, about Tammy. Tammy says she doesn’t hate Lex, she just doesn’t like liars or braggarts, and Lydia gets that part of it, just not why it gets Tammy so riled up. She herself sees how Lex talks it up one side and down the other, but instead of letting it twist her panties into a tourniquet of hate she basically just pities her ridiculousness. I think Tammy (and maybe Heather at this point) could learn a few adult things from Puberty Lydia.
Speaking of Lex, we’re now dragged into the bathroom with her and Jumbo where Jumbo’s putting on his “new flannels” and Lex is getting dolled up for bed by wearing a faux-conservative silk wrap of sorts and not removing her spackle. I bet it’s actually 11 a.m. and they both wear retainers when it really is night. Jumbo asks what’s going on with Vic and Donn2, because that’s a theme of this episode, and Lex tells him they are on a break incited by everyone talking in her ear. Speaking of talk in the ear, Jumbo does not understand why his wife went to the fiasco gym party and why she keeps subjecting herself to the company of these ridiculous women who hate her. Assy says she does it because they have the same friends (who are those? Vic?) and it’s easier to forgive and move on. Easier than what? Finding new people to hang out with in the greater Southern California area? I suppose it’s easier than trying to find new people with a new and better TV show to force one’s way onto. Assy tells Jumbo that Lydia thinks she needs to turn the other cheek. I think what Lydia was trying to tell her is that she doesn’t have to turn every perceived slight that comes along into a scrap, or worse. Jumbo, in all his senior wisdom, tells his wife that turning the other cheek doesn’t mean taking endless abuse, and that she shouldn’t take any more crap. I think she needs to get off this show and find a hobby.
Over at Vic’s brown house, she and Ryan are setting up some giant workman lights in order to install a car seat improperly in the back of Vic’s grandmamobile. She feels this is a great time to talk about their living arrangement and attempt to convince Ryan to let her have Donn2 over. Ryan thinks there are “safety issues”. Hmmm! Vic just wants to have a happy “second half of her life”. Ryan says she can do what she wants, but if Donn2 is in the house he and Briana are out. Firm, consistent, direct: Ryan and Briana are excellent parents. I think Vic needs to be campused and lose her car keys. And iPhone.
Day dawns and Puberty Lydia goes out shopping with her wacky mom Judy. And thank God for Puberty Lydia, because she’s a breath of fresh air and her mother is a gale force wind. Judy is a pothead former hippie who sprinkles store clerks with glitter she calls “fairy dust”. She also used to think she was a tree and therefore doesn’t believe in shopping bags because they are cruel to nature. Lydia shares with us that she used to get her mom to take her shopping when she was stoned and Judy’s judgment was impaired. Tee hee! I am wondering whether we can do a crossover episode and introduce Judy to Aviva Drescher’s dad, George. They blow $2500 in about 15 minutes, and PL takes a bag. Judy cringes.
Time to stop by Gretch’s, where she’s pretending to be a major businesswoman by wearing her glasses in front of her laptop and opening the mail. Shady Slade comes home from somewhere, and they have an incredibly phony weepalong conversation about Slade’s son’s prognosis and how this affects Gretch’s wish to have a baby, because it’s All About MEEEEEEEE! even if she’s pretending to be all selfless and concerned. This is such a barefaced ploy for a spinoff, I can hardly stand it. What is going on with Gretch’s eyebrows? They are creeping up her temples episode by episode. Soon they will be tucked behind her ears. How will Gretch ever feel right about having a baby when one of Slade’s other kids is sick? Somehow I think she’ll get over it. Assuming she has the right bits. There’s something very I Used To Be A Man about Gretchen.