Heather and Tammy go shopping for “activewear”. Heather complains she has no boobs after four kids, and Tammy suggests she get them at her husband’s office. Heather thinks being the plastic surgeon’s wife with the fake boobs is “so cliche”. Tammy thinks that when your boobs are “seven feet long”, you should own it, and if you “want to be flat-chested and have good restaurants, go back to New York.” Shazam! Sometimes that Tammy calls it exactly right, I must give her that. Anyway: just then, in an amazing coincidence, Heather gets a call from her agent that the people who make “Hot In Cleveland” just HAVE to have Heather Paige Kent Dubrow for a guest spot. Heather is thrilled, and so is Dr. Terry when she calls him. Heather wants to find a way to do her acting thing and still handle her family. That’ll work out real well.
Time to get back to the neverending subject of Vic and Donn2, as she has escaped the brown house for dinner on the sly with her erstwhile tankfiller and Hallmark-carder. Vic is wearing a confining black cocktail dress that appears stuffed with disagreeable ferrets, and a perfectly hideous brown fur jacket that looks like something my former hoarder neighbor, Helen, used to wear in July when trudging to the grocery. I think it’s squirrel, and shit’s about to go down with the ferrets. Donn2, meanwhile, is wearing a black long-sleeved t-shirt. One of these things is not like the other…
Victini’s are orderd, and feelings are shared. Vic feels they have an “emotional, spiritual connection”. Meanwhile, Donn2 feels he’s short on sugar and thus has been out and about cavorting with other vulnerable women while Vic’s been getting fat injected in her face and leaving whispered voicemails to him from the bathroom. Donn2, sensing Vic’s terror at being alone, tells her flatly that he wants someone who can be with him “on all fronts”, and backs, for that matter, and if he’s having to share her with Briana then she’s gonna lose him. Donn2 has a disturbingly long, pointy nose. Even if he’s not a financial opportunist, he’s certainly an emotional opportunist. Vic sputters that she is in love with him and that she feels a void in her life without him. Donn2 says that in his house, he makes the rules, and if she’s giving in to Briana it’s because she doesn’t care enough about him to do the same. Vic is beside herself. He throws in the zinger that he wants to treat Vic to “the relationship she’s never had”. Vic’s eyes are practically rolling back in her head. I need to go throw up.
Let’s get out of this hellhole of emotional manipulation and ratty weasels, and back to the rollicking adventures of Puberty Lydia and Mama Judy, who are going to get cake! And tea. Lydia wants to put her giant bedazzled dog-carrier sized purse on the ground, but Mama Judy warns her not to or “all the chi comes out”. From putting your purse on the ground? I worry about picking up gum or other ick, not about losing chi. It’s not like she can put the thing on the table – it’ll tip. Anyway, Mama Judy shares that she actually QUIT smoking pot three months ago and left “the land of the bunnies” behind so that she can babysit for PL’s little munchkins. I hope it was worth it, Mama Judy. I know a whole lotta people who think a little weed actually helps the parenting. Mama Judy’s a little nervous because she really feels more normal bombed out. Lydia shares with us that she thinks she found God in order to find boundaries, which actually makes a lot of sense. Why is she wearing lavender lipstick? These two are going to be fun.
Meanwhile, Tammy and Eddie are moving “Wines by Wives” into an office, and there’s no Vic to be seen. Tammy thus takes the corner office. Everyone except the people who actually do the Wines work are mad that Vic’s not there. Tammy thinks Vic isn’t pulling her weight. What exactly is she supposed to do, hawk samples at Costco on Tuesdays at 10 a.m.? Tammy proposes a wine tasting trip to Malibu, because (a) Malibu is known for wine, and (b) we need another excuse for a drunken field trip.
After a long day at the pumpkin patch, the five eldest Dubrows head out to dinner without screechy, shrieky Colette. The kids settle in to do their homework and they really are cute and well-behaved, although if we left our youngest at home and brought homework to the restaurant my kids might actually be chill, too. As Heather complains about her crazy schedule, what with “Hot With Cleveland” added to the mix, the girl named Max asks for math help. “Channel your inner daddy for the math skills,” advises Dr. Terry, and for some reason Heather takes this as an insult. I, for one, will freely admit to having no math skills, and it won’t insult me to call me on it. Heather continues to complain about her endless burden of charity, acting, family, and marital responsibilities, and Dr. Terry responds by making a crack about ineptly parenting in her absence. Now Heather is seething and basically tells Dr. Terry that he’s shitting all over the party she was supposed to be having about getting this teeny role on one episode of a show on basic cable. Terry tries to apologize but Heather is having none of it. I can see why she finds this all annoying, but she’s the one who opened the door and let all the crap fall out of the closet. She needs to lighten up.
Next time: we’re guzzling wine in Malibu! The Dubrows continue to bitch and so do Vic and Tammy. Bottoms up, suckers!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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