Back to Puerto Vallarta, where we’re back on the street with a bunch of Mexican hookers. Oh, wait, that’s the evil twins of Vic and Tammy, plus their mascot Puberty Lydia. Whenever I see Lydia the “Jem” theme song bursts into my head. Remember Jem? “Jem is my name – no one else is the same – Jem is my name!” No? Yeah, that’s how old I am. Vic is holding hands with her unwitting accomplices and trotting down the street like a potbellied 2nd grader, until they reach the donkey bar and start downing shots and shaking their hams in the faces of inebriated tourists. They are having SO MUCH FUN, Y’ALL! WOO HOO!
You know who is not having fun is Gretchen, and to a lesser degree Heather, who are waiting and texting furiously from the back of the limotruck parked outside the art gallery. Heather is ticked and Gretch is fuming, ready to unleash the Wrath of Furry. I wonder if she knows what Furries are – I read an article in Vanity Fair many, many years ago about the world of deviants called Furries who hold conventions at which they have anonymous sexual encounters while dressed in stuffed animal costumes. I got the impression that many stuffed animals are violated in the course of these activities as well. I can think of a couple of Househusbands (official and/or common law) who I can see as Furries, actually, so maybe she does know more than we think.
So Gretch is so mad that she says to Heather: “I don’t know if you know this, but Lauri told me all this stuff about Vic letting other dudes besides Donn1 get furry with her all those many years.” No, Heather obviously does not know this, because she doesn’t know Lauri and didn’t know Vic back in the days of Donn1, plus this is supposed to be a furry revelation, and she doesn’t want to know this either. But Gretch wants to tell her, because she’s mad about the Hypocrisy. Oh, yes that. Well, Heather can appreciate why she would be mad about the Hypocrisy. And with that, the H word is back to rival the tired and worn B word for Trendiest Housewife Accusation 2013. Which will prevail? These two decide to take a cab home and leave the limotruck for the drunks so they can get home safely. If they don’t know where those broads have wandered off to, how is the chauffeur supposed to find them? Can’t he be re-dispatched from the hotel? Whatever. Heather and Gretch hop in a minivan taxi while Tammy stamps on the hood of an innocent older model Chevy taxi over in the redlight district as the unfortunate driver looks on in terror.
Back at the comped hotel, the two sober friends stalk off to bed and at 2 a.m. the drunken cougars and Jem stumble out of the located limotruck, barefoot. They are going to get plantar warts for sure to go with their bunions. Vic, who looks like she has been worked over by a herd of wild pigs, drags Tammy and Jem into Fancypants’ hotel room where she is elegantly reading in bed in her bedjacket. Heather tells them in no uncertain terms that she thinks their behavior was totally uncool, but that’s only the start of it because here comes Gretch who is uncharacteristically not wearing marabou mules and a babydoll negligee. Gretch explodes at Tammy for not caring about her, which makes Vic laugh in her face so she stomps back out. Heather tells the children they were thoughtless, not nice, and ruined everything for everyone, and they need to get off her bed and go to sleep.
Vic nearly exposes the furry in rolling off Fancy’s bed and tramping out to Tammy’s room where she rolls around some more. Vic thinks that Heather is not a true friend for getting mad about the whole thing, and is perfectly delighted for having had “her plan”, her evil evil plan, work. “I am the nicest person ever until you cross me,” she says. I am kind of wondering when Gretch “crossed her” because really it’s more been a matter of not liking each other it always seemed like. I guess this has to do with calling Donn2 out on his inattentive parenting. But who cares about THAT because Vic gets up and she has PEED ON THE BED. Pee! In case you thought that wasn’t possible, here’s a shot of the correlating pee spot on her departing ham! Vic is a bedwetter! This is the most jawdropping thing I have seen in all my years of Housewife viewing, and I’ve seen almost all of it. Pee!
Come on people this is funny. She is a hilarious writer. Every time I read Assy’s name I crack up. And now Vic has peed. I was laughing my assy off and had a hard time stopping. And I was by myself. And she used the word dingus. This just gets better. Keep up the good work. Can’t you write for the Kardashian’s? Please pretty please. No one is doing it.
I’m with you Pammy! Miss Thing is a great talent and the only reason I bother watching the fools. But the Kerdeshiens? That’s below brand and I didn’t think that was even possible.