Morning dawns and everyone groups up in the lobby for the tour that Gretch is forcing on them. Vic sticks out her tongue and stomps right past the group out the door to pout in the limotruck just so everyone knows she doesn’t think Gretch is FUN. They drive around downtown Puerto Vallarta drinking champagne from flutes with penis straws and eventually end up at a stadium for a bullfight. Tammy names the bull Navarro, which was Eddie’s last name before he was adopted. I expected her to name it Beaner since she likes to call him that, too.
Throughout this tour there are various tedious bursts of bickering over Last Night, and at one point Jem makes the mistake of whispering to the co-conspirators that Last Night “made the trip”. I heard that! shout Bitchy and Crabby Smurf in unison. Bitchy starts snapping at Jem; Jem refuses to engage and Bitchy starts crying, to be comforted by Tammy which makes Vic roll her eyes some more. So Bitchy brings up the H word again, and Vic snarls at her to “pick a different word”. “Hypocrisy would mean I condone what we did last night and am glad!” Um, precisely! “You are such a f*cking bitch,” sobs Bitchy. Vic is nonplussed. And a bedwetter.
Big deep breath: okay. Pooltime! Here comes Heather in a – surprise! – black bikini! And she looks great for having had four kids or even for no kids, but not for long because now she’s all covered up like the Housewife she is. Tammy is in her official bachelorette white bikini and there’s the missing bellybutton. It’s not that it’s missing, it’s just more of a slit. Gretch traipses down in a pink gypsy costume with swag bags for all full of Gretchen Christine Bootay products. Things are fine and everyone is trying to play nice but Vic decides to drop another snark about how different it is for Gretch to be FUN for a change, so Gretch stalks off in a Furry. God, make it STOP!
Tammy tries to change the subject by telling everyone how Vic peed on her bed and Vic says yeah, that’s right, and I own it and am proud of it. I’m a proud bedwetter, looking forward to my next gig as an adult diaper spokesperson. But Gretch! – Gretch is the person who destroyed our true and heartmatched sisterhood, Tammy! The nerve! That’s the last straw for Tammy, who stomps off to the beach with Gretch where they have a Sisterhood of the Friendship Bracelets conversation about Tammy’s tragic childhood and emotional voids, information she has never shared with Vic because Vic is not a Deep Thoughts kind of friend. They cry together and wipe their noses on Gretch’s sequined sarong.
Poolside, Vic announces to Heather and Jem that she thinks Gretch really ought to look up to her as a mentor instead of knocking her down to Gretch’s low level and trying to compete with her. Jem is a little astounded by Vic’s utter lack of self-awareness and thinks she needs to get real about her competitiveness, so she asks Heather if she thinks Vic competes with Gretch for Tammy. Oh yes, confirms Heather without even blinking. Harrumph, replies Vic. She just doesn’t get it, doesn’t care, and doesn’t want to be here with Miss Perfect Gretch who she is not jealous of AT ALL. She’s the better friend and it’s Just Not FAIR! Stomp stomp stomp.
Back in the OC, Assy is out to dinner with Jumbellino someplace where everyone knows their name, and she wants the sea bass, well done please. It seems Jem called her to tell her what was going on and how freaked out she was by the prospect of seeing Mexican penii tonight, and Assy advised her to pray to The Lordie and skip that part of it. “Enough of that subject and leave me out of it!” decrees Jumbo. Okay, then, Assy will change the subject to the fourth McNugget she wants to have, which will cause their 6000 square foot home to be just too small after all. Jumbo says no, but Assy believes she will prevail. “You may be faster, but I will outrun you!” challenges Assy. Jumbo looks confused. Try the Geritol, Jumbo.
Time for the final night of bacchanalia in Mexico, where some uniformed chefs are warily preparing a feast of erotic/exotic themed foodstuffs. Gretch has festooned the entire dining room with streamers and an assortment of penis-themed decorations, and even has light up pecker earrings for Tammy. WHO DOES THIS? I really hope Tammy’s excuse for this is that she didn’t get to have a bachelorette party with weddings 1 or 2 because this is making Sonja and Ramona look klassy.
Presents are opened: a French maid costume, a box of Devil’s Food cake mix, a whip, a pregnancy test, hand sanitizer called “Maybe You Touched Your Genitals”, rubber gloves…. and a giant dildo for butt fisting picked out especially for Tammy by Briana. The thank you notes that will be written for that! Once the fist comes out that’s Jem’s signal to take her puberty self back to the PG-13 section of the hotel and call her husband. StrippergateOC is about to begin.
And oh my. The strippers. The best things I can say about them is that they are enthusiastic and hairless. They are also in toreador costumes (I am unclear whether this is the same bullfighter from earlier or just looks like that guy to Gretch because they all look the same, you know), a little pudgy, and apparently all sorts of things are legal for male strippers in Mexico to do that I didn’t experience during the Thunder from Down Under which is the closest I’ve gotten to a male nude revue. One sticks his head under Tammy’s very short skirt, another puts Gretch into the meat position of the Mexican stripper sandwich, there’s a lot of not so simulated humping and stuffing of ladyhands into manpanties, and now someone is sticking his dingus in Tammy’s ear. I feel violated, and so does Heather, who is frantically spraying the fracas with hand sanitizer from her safe position behind the couch. Afterward they argue who gets to take the pregnancy test but Vic isn’t quite able to pee on Gretch’s hand, hard as she may try.
Next time: Ryan’s off to Afghanistan. Assy and Heather are going to have THEIR wine summit, and it won’t go as well as the one with Tammy. In fact the one with Tammy went so well that she’s inviting Assy to go wedding dress shopping which ticks Gretch off. And it’s Gretch vs. Jem, part deux. Jem is my name!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/thislittlemama
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Come on people this is funny. She is a hilarious writer. Every time I read Assy’s name I crack up. And now Vic has peed. I was laughing my assy off and had a hard time stopping. And I was by myself. And she used the word dingus. This just gets better. Keep up the good work. Can’t you write for the Kardashian’s? Please pretty please. No one is doing it.
I’m with you Pammy! Miss Thing is a great talent and the only reason I bother watching the fools. But the Kerdeshiens? That’s below brand and I didn’t think that was even possible.