Vic’s backyard is bedecked in a frothy mess of white sheets, plastic ice, cheesy Wal-Mart snowmen, and even a sleigh parked in the front driveway. They say the camera adds ten pounds and I am also wondering whether it adds a thin layer of Dollar Tree sheen to all captured in its mighty glare, because this place looks like the “Holiday” section of our local Junior League rummage sale. Speaking of cheap and easy, here comes Gretch in a white shimmery gown with corresponding fur robe, from the Forever Barbie collection, accompanied by her secret fiance, Shady Slade. Gretch has informed us that she and Shady are keeping their engagement a secret, but I think either the rooftop fauxposal hadn’t even been filmed yet, or the rumors they actually got engaged over a year ago are true therefore none of the elves at this party would even care.
The elves, speaking of, are down in Vic’s grotto sniping about Not Malibu Country Barbie herself and her lyin’. Tammy thinks Gretch just needs to admit when she’s wrong… Oh, hey Gretch! “Great,” snorts Assy. “Late again,” frowns Heather. Everyone hops up to greet Gretch and Slade and make all fake nice; Jem gives Slade a big genuine hello and he responds with the backhanded compliment that she looks like “Dancing with the Stars”. Gee, thanks? With that, everyone leaves the grotto and ditches Gretch and Slade like they smell or something. We can all see where this party is going.
With no one else to talk to Gretch and Slade they wander off and find Ryan, who is home for the weekend. He’s all too happy to chat them up about all the secret ugly stuff going on with his mother-in-law: how her relationship with Briana is “shitty” right now, how she pretends everything is great but it’s not, how Donn2 is not what he says he is and Vic’s still giving him her saggy mutton boots. Gretch and Slade are sucking it all up like a pair of hungry anteaters. Meanwhile, at the exact same time thanks to editing, Vic’s across the party telling Brother Billy what an “amazing man” Donn2 is as Billy texts Donn2 to come on over. Donn2 is in Memphis so thankfully this is not going to happen. Small favors.
Since this is the cast wrap party Puff Mommy has arrived, yay! Tammy has started calling her “Sugartits”, for reasons I do not know, and Vic cannot believe this woman is 64 years old. Clean livin’ and fairy dust! Vic needs to consider a trip to the Land of the Bunnies is what I think.
Dr. Terry and Heather, in her most skintight shiny gold brocade shake shack pants, settle in a seating area with Gretch and Slade to have a word. Heather demands to know why Gretch is not talking to her. Maybe because they are not friends and have nothing to discuss? Gretch says it’s because she’s “hurt” about the whole “Malibu Country” fiasco and thinks Heather threw her under the bus among acting professionals. Heather insists she would never do that, and even if she did why would Gretch care if she’s not attempting a professional acting career? Gretch insists she’s solely focused on shilling cheap cosmetics and crappy pleather handbags, but then there’s the burlesque and music and Vegas miscellany, so she could be doing anything at any moment, we know her! Heather, for her part, is still mad that Gretch was late and texting throughout her big appearance on “Hot In Cleveland”. Gretch and Slade literally laugh in Heather’s face at that. Heather points out that last year she left her kids for three days to go to Gretch’s “show” in Vegas, so the least Gretch could do is show up in Burbank on time and keep her mouth shut and fingers off the device for a brief time. So they are both ticked off and neither is going to get the apology they demand, but they nonetheless agree to part ways pretending things are settled. Gretch thinks they have called it a “wash”. Heather thinks she’s a word mincer. I think they both need a time out.
Over in Igloo #2, Vic makes a big to-do about presenting Tammy with a Best Friend Bracelet, a much bigger and better version of that crappy bead thing Gretch gave her last season, so there! As friendships are repaired Tammy finds herself face to face with Assy and Jumbellino in his $1000 magician’s scarf, and tells them that if Assy loves Jumbellino, Tammy loves Jumbellino. Jumbellino cries. Tammy has learned to leave Vic alone to learn her own lessons, something Jumbellino encourages as how he trains his wifey himself. So now Jumbo and Tammy have something in common. What a beautiful moment.