Illustrating a remarkable evolution – at least in terms of fashion – Vicki has not worn one of those hideous tight shirts with a cutout nestled smack-dab in the cleavage area all season. I know, I know; she’s wearing exactly that kind of shirt when her face comes up before one of her segments, but then I know it’s coming so I just try to avert my eyes like I did when I watched that scene in Saw II when the girl fell into the vat of hypodermic needles and every time she tried to move, she got stabbed with about a zillion of them and watching that scene on repeat is almost as bad as watching Vicki do anything just once. Still, I think it’s amazing that Vicki is being given an award for being so successful in her career and she should be incredibly proud of her accomplishments and I applauded her even as I threw up in my mouth a little bit when she held up her G-strings and then did a “whoop it up!” screech in the same fifteen seconds.
Who is the person who told Vicki that saying either “whoop it up!” or “whoo hoo!” was endearing? Can I contribute to a bounty for the capture of that individual? I’ll kick in a grand.
As Vicki packs those G-strings, she finds herself chatting with Shannon, a woman who would rather go to a proctologist than on the trip to Napa with people she hates. But how will Shannon conduct herself amidst the stress? With an expression so tight that I genuinely feared her face would split in two, she stated, “As far as this Napa trip goes, I’m willing to go with a smile on my face and my husband by my side.” That sentence? It’s like the verbal equivalent of a cold open in a horror movie when the blonde says, “What? Why should I not go explore the abandoned campgrounds where blood runs from the trees in rivulets that spell out my name? It’ll be great! In fact, let’s pair off! I’ll go with the guy in the hockey mask who brought his own machete!”
The thing about Shannon – the thing about a lot of these Housewives – is that they walk around and say things about having forgiven but not having forgotten. That’s the driving motto for all of these women and it’s kind of bullsh*t because none of them have really done any true forgiving either, but for delusion’s sake, I’ll put that expression on some G-strings and ask Heather to hand them out as favors at her wine launch.
Maybe Tamara will wear her pair to church.
At the airport, Meghan, Tamra, Shannon, Lizzie, the non-official-Housewife Katie and Heather meet up to get on the private plane that will whisk them up to Napa. On the plane, Meghan sounds excited about the experience and she also hands out wine glasses she decorated for everybody and I find her enthusiasm sweet and I always enjoy a guest who shows up with gifts (hashtag don’tf*ckingbackslideonmenowMeghan), and Tamra has decided that Lizzie be permitted to live since she is currently being kind. The way Tamra operates is by the credo of, “As long as you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you. But don’t f*ck with me.”
Which psalm is that in?
Tamra, you see, has become religious during the hiatus. And while not a religious girl myself, I think that anybody finding comfort is a great thing, but listening to Tamra speak about her awakening feels a bit off. Maybe it’s because she herself believes that people would hear that she found God and would immediately think, “Oh, she’s going to church because she’s done so many bad things in her life and she just wants to look good.” First off, how horrible must one be to think other people would think such a thing? Second, I don’t think that’s why she’s going to church, to look good. Personally, I think she’s going to church for the same reason half the Manson family became born-again whilst behind bars – it’s a way to deal with your guilt and to find a somewhat convenient way to feel absolved. So have at it, Tamra. Maybe religion will make you a better person. After all, your evolution is already apparent. Didn’t Moses also once say, “I’m saved! And if you don’t like it, you can suck it”? Honestly, whatever the hardened-eyed one is doing, may she never stop. It’s making writing these recaps so very easy.
Amen.
Once they all land in Napa, Heather takes off to go check on the arrangements for her party and to make sure the place is absolutely flooded with her product. Look, maybe I’m just immune to finding any of that kind of thing distasteful after watching Bethenny practically tattoo herself and her entire home with the Skinny Girl logo over on The Real Housewives of New York, but I think it makes sense that Heather is recommending that there be bottles of her sparkling wine in every corner, nook, and crevice of the room. She’s launching something on camera; people might as well see what it is. After all, it’s not like it’s a coincidence that she waited until production started again to have this party.
Heather is no dummy.