According to an online quiz that I’m positive is completely reputable and totally scientific, the owl is my spirit animal. Yes, both Ollie the Owl (I named my spirit animal – it makes it so much more meaningful) and I are brimming with intuition and wisdom and with this new validation I feel I can make a statement: Shannon is a walking, deflecting frayed piece of a gnarled nerve that I imagine she likes to chew on so she won’t bite her nails or actually consume anything with a caloric content and she very well may be whatever the clinical definition is for “completely deranged.” Now, I realize that I am not a doctor and sure, I barely passed Biology, and okay, maybe the results of that quiz were wrong and I’m really a koala, but I still feel relatively comfortable offering up such a diagnosis because to look at the scenario in any other way would require that we believe that Meghan was legitimately out of line for initially calling Shannon on her very own personal bat-phone and then trying to calmly explain to the nut that she felt that Shannon was dismissive of her.
What’s the evidence of Shannon’s lunacy? Let us count the crazy:
1. After Meghan neither says nor insinuates any such thing, Shannon declares, “You can’t insinuate that I’m uncharitable!” and then goes stalking from the party to hide in a bathroom with her husband who gets to once again be reminded of just how much fun his marriage is.
2. In case we didn’t remember that Shannon fleeing from a party is de riguer, Bravo thoughtfully provides us with a desaturated-looking flashback of Shannon screaming, “You will all see the truth!” from a dinner party last season and I’m once again reminded that there really should be a Lifetime movie called Shannon at the Nuremberg Trials and I hope it will also star Kristen Wiig.
3. Shannon keeps shaking her head and saying she has been “completely ambushed” by Meghan. I think we should take a quick vote and agree to never send this woman to war. Not to worry, though – David has already volunteered to take her place so he can locate himself just a little bit of peace and quiet bliss in sunny Baghdad.
4. When the rest of the Housewives gather around Shannon to see if she’s okay and then Meghan enters the room, Shannon’s outward reaction is similar to how you’d maybe look on the inside when you are on a first date right after a breakup that almost psychologically mauled you and into the restaurant saunters your ex-boyfriend. And when Meghan crouches beside Shannon and asks if it’s okay that she’s right there and then apologizes again, Shannon announces that she felt ambushed and that Meghan was giving off the impression that she’s not a charitable person. Well! That’s the very opposite of who she is and just because she refuses to charitably listen to the rational one crouched before her right now doesn’t mean anything and how dare Meghan call an unlisted number and those imbedded diamonds pounded into her teeth (blessed by a holistic doctor who giggles every time Shannon leaves his office) have been warning her about Meghan for weeks now.
I think, though, that my favorite part of this scene occurred when Shannon turned to the rest of the women and tried to meet their eyes so they all could nod gravely at how horrible Meghan is, but at that precise second the women suddenly remember that there’s a scuff mark on the floor that Tamra thinks is in the shape of Jesus and they must all collectively stare at it until Shannon looks away and back at the mean lady who says to her, “Okay, my face is here,” a comment that causes Tamra to mull that when you’re Meghan’s age, you think you know it all. And if “all” means that Shannon is an asshole – a sad, damaged assh*le who is probably in over her head and should not be on television while she is systematically imploding like she’s an SUV in a Michael Bay movie – then yes, Meghan in fact does know it all.
Putting the senseless fight to bed for the moment, Shannon offers Meghan a kind of snide apology that is all but covered in a syrup of sarcasm and Meghan looks directly at her and says that she sounds less than genuine and that means that it’s official: Ollie is out. It’s Meghan who is my spirit animal! And the first thing my brand new spirit animal and I are going to do is locate Shannon and her spirit animal (I’m guessing it’ll be a parrot that never shuts up) and ask for a donation to our Spirit Animal/Human Being charity that raises money to provide tranquilizer darts in bulk to the spirit animals who have been claimed by hysterical, insane people.
Back in Orange County, Vicki is home from Florida and Brooks greets her with the news of his upcoming coffee enemas that he’ll be trying as a way to hopefully clean out the toxins from his liver and that means that we get to hear Vicki use the term “butthole” and I’d like to officially thank Vicki for contributing to my weight loss because I ate pizza this weekend and simply hearing the butthole comment immediately brought on the sweats and the vomit and I believe I’ve discovered a new twenty-first century form of an eating disorder that I will coin Bulimia By Bravo. Support groups for this grave disease will be posted on Brandi Glanville’s Twitter because that woman is going to need something to do until her tampon endorsement becomes a terrifying reality.
Over at Meghan’s house, she receives a phone call from her devoted husband informing her that he has just bought her a new Louis Vuitton purse. That’s a sweet gesture, but the guy has not smiled at his wife so far this season and that worries me a bit. There’s no time to worry about such a thing, though! The charity event planners descend upon Meghan’s house and they discuss the logistics for what is apparently a combination of a Juvenile Diabetes fundraiser and Meghan’s debutante ball where she will present herself to Orange County society. And as the meeting ends, Meghan pats one of charity women on the head like a dog.
I might have to crate my spirit animal. Such a thought brings me grave sadness.
What totally boggles my mind is the fact that these ladies think it’s completely acceptable to invite people they are currently feuding with, or are known to blow-up and cause drama, to events. And therefore, they believe it’s completely RUDE to not invite people for the sake of civility. Props to Meghan for actually thinking logically and making the call that Shannon should not come to her event. They need to sit down and talk it out, outside of the confines of a “stuffy charity event” (Oh Vicki…)
Didn’t Shannon say something about a “save the date” from production for the event? Wonder if that was sent before or after the “charity-gate” feud between Shannon and Meghan. Last season I really liked Shannon but this season she seems to be getting a little crazy and Meghan is seeming kind of reasonable. I’ve read some other forums where people are largely siding with Shannon but I don’t get it. Since I watch the show while running on the treadmill, sometimes I can’t hear the dialogue all that well – maybe I’m missing some key points!
Of ALLLLLL the footage they surely tape, was it really necessary to pick the coffee enema crap (literally I guess) to air??? No one needed that visual.
Wasn’t Katie suppose to be part of the cast at one point? I swear I read that somewhere but then she and her husband started fighting or are getting divorced or something. She sure doesn’t say much, at least not yet.
Thanks again for the recap!!
Wait a minute. You know Meghan is a total entitled a** hole, right? They left a lot out. She told Shannon that Shannon isn’t famous, Meghan’s husband is famous. She poked Shannon to get reactions out of her. Never forget editing! Shannon was ambushed, but they just showed her looking looney. They like to make the newbie look either good (to keep them and their money around), look crazy to get rid of them or me them look boring.
IMO