Over at CUT Fitness, Tamra and Meghan are working out. I am saddened to report that they showed up for their workout dressed as pink marshmallow Peeps and that Tamra is telling Meghan exactly what went down at Vicki’s house after going there in the first place to salvage their friendship. Don’t get me wrong; I think Vicki is a nightmare of a woman and I can’t see why anyone would want to be her friend, but Tamra has insisted for a long time that she adores Vicki and with friendship comes loyalty – or at least it should. Telling Vicki’s newest nemesis every single detail of their chat seems wrong to me. Of course, all of these conversations are happening with a camera crew anyway, so perhaps the let’s-keep-this-between-us ship has already plummeted bow-first to the very depths of the ocean and has settled next to the spot where Brooks buried his actual medical records. (Don’t despair; Meghan has been taking scuba diving lessons so that she can eventually excavate them.) Tamra explains that Vicki was very defensive with her that she had an answer for everything, but she also tells Meghan that maybe it’s time to let the investigation and the suspicions go. She wants this messiness to stop and you really can’t blame her, but what Meghan says next is the most chilling thing I’ve heard on this show in a while. Her bet – stated so calmly that I really listened – is that in ninety days, Brooks will announce that he is cancer-free and that he beat the disease with this holistic nonsense he’s not actually partaking in and I think the reason her statement made me gasp in the way that usually only happens when I see that Lisa Vanderpump has acquired a brand new swan for her moat is because I think Meghan is absolutely correct.
Away from anyone who is wearing hot pink, Heather and Terry go out to dinner. His plastic surgery show is on hiatus and she is excited to see him again more regularly. They discuss illuminating matters such as selling their skincare line on television, meeting up with fellow Housewife and HSN legend Lisa Rinna to get some tips for that selling sh*t on TV, and an etching of a tree Heather’s mother has created for the new house. You know, they’re discussing the same things we all typically discuss at dinner. But there is a real problem here. Terry doesn’t like the etching and his unenthusiastic reaction so upsets Heather that I’m pretty sure she spent the rest of the meal quietly pondering whether or not she’d definitely get the new castle should she ever divorce the guy.
On a brand new morning, Tamra brings Ryan and his family to their new house, the one that’s located so close to her in Orange County. Ryan is completely not excited about any of this and the entire scene reads as weirdly foreboding. The guy is wearing a camouflage shirt and sunglasses balanced on his forehead and he looks like he’s aged about twenty-five years as he rushes a family he appears to have had second (and third…and fourth) thoughts about out of what will be their new home. He looks ragged and very sad and he even throws in a poetic “f*ck my life” for good measure during what could have been a celebratory moment if he were anybody else. I would never want such a thing to ever happen, but I can actually see the guy snapping at some point and it makes me quite relieved to know that I live several time zones away from the guy and a simmering temper that can’t possibly stay contained forever.
Across town, Heather meets up with Lisa Rinna and they both commend one another on not aging. After Heather asks Lisa about the tricks for selling a product on television and Lisa’s response is that Heather should just be herself, they move quickly into Heather and Terry’s relationship. Heather tells Lisa that she has worked hard to always have dinner ready for him after a busy work day and to make sure they have date nights scheduled, and now she would just like a little bit of acknowledgment from him. She wants the gratitude to come without a nudge from her and that’s actually what all women want and really, men are morons for not understanding such a thing by now.
At a far less enjoyable meeting, Shannon and Vicki sit down for lunch. Shannon has arrived at the restaurant with a clear intention: she wants Vicki to convince her that Brooks is actually sick. She is so committed to making such a thing happen that she even orders water instead of her standard goblet of vodka so she can continue to stay focused. Vicki has absolutely no desire to talk about the Brooks issue and she wants Shannon (and everybody else) to just let it go, but Shannon doesn’t allow her off the hook so quickly. She wants to know why Brooks didn’t go see the doctors she found for him, why – if he says he’s fighting for his life – would he not choose to explore all of his options? Vicki’s response is that he is exploring his options, just not the ones Shannon offered him and he’s got his own doctors. Vicki keeps trying to reiterate that this is Brooks’ call and she is fed up with talking about any of it and Shannon should just talk to Brooks on her own. In an icky moment, Vicki tries to change the subject by bringing up how much she misses her mother. I don’t doubt for an iota of a second that such a thing is true, but I also don’t doubt that she brought it up just then to manipulate Shannon into backing off. It’s not gonna happen. In fact, Shannon agrees with Heather and thinks they should all be shown evidence of Brooks’ cancer, an event that we see will occur on next week’s episode followed immediately by Meghan disproving the man’s test results.
Now that Shannon is making sense, I find myself more confused than ever before and it frightens me. See, confused is certainly not the right frame of mind with which to don armor to prepare for the revolution, one I’m certain will be televised.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.