While Vicki runs to the bathroom to reapply her lipstick and her Catholicism, her brother takes Tamra aside to say that he hopes Tamra believes Vicki and Brooks and all they have told her. And Tamra? She responds with the most intelligent comment I’ve ever heard her say and I can almost see the purity moving through her pores as she tells Billy that she is not there to judge and that, if Brooks is sick, she hopes he gets better and if he’s not, she hopes he gets better. The level of sanity and compassion she’s illustrating is rather impressive and that means that Pastor Mike might be a genius. Billy also tells Tamra that he has no doubt about Brooks’ cancer. After all, Brooks showed him the same paperwork he showed Tamra – and that’s not creepy at all. Billy is clearly just trying to be a loyal brother to his awful sister here and he informs Tamra, Heather, and Shannon that they should trust Brooks and that Vicki has not lied at all, but Heather can’t quite take it anymore. She explains patiently to Billy that the stories Brooks has weaved are flat-out weird and just as they’re about to get into it, Vicki swoops in to bestow upon Tamra a gift and to gush about just how much she loves her. But you know who she doesn’t love? Shannon! Yes, Vicki can only love one friend at a time and the rest of them can suck it and she is leaving this baptism so she can go someplace where nobody will confront her about being either a liar or sucker.
Before she can leave, Heather takes Vicki aside to ask why Brooks isn’t at Tamra’s party, to which Vicki responds that he doesn’t want to be around toxic people spewing toxic energy. Another way to phrase that might be that “he doesn’t want to be around perceptive people spewing suspicious energy,” but that’s really neither here nor there. (It’s certainly not here.) While Heather is trying to talk a crazy woman into staying at a party that’s held near a cliff, Billy and his girlfriend Ronda chat with Shannon. Shannon is annoyed that she did not see the medical records and I guess it is odd that she hasn’t since Brooks now apparently carries them in his back pocket so he can whip them out for friends, enemies, and any Starbucks barista who would like to take a gander at some documents he might have created himself. Interestingly, the documents Billy tells Shannon he’s seen are different than the ones Tamra saw. The one he perused had sh*t like punctuation and I guess that means that it’s a brand new document and that Brooks has been getting wiser to the fact that medical records with no spacing leads to disbelief. All of that is compelling, but it’s not nearly as compelling as Heather finally telling Vicki that she’s heard a story about Terry being summoned in the middle of the night to help Brooks, to which Vicki just shakes her head and says she has no idea what Heather is talking about. Maybe she was traveling when such an event never occurred? That’s gotta be the answer, right?
And just when it seems like maybe someone is finally getting someplace by forcing Vicki to confront a direct lie, Ronda the Girlfriend decides to jump headfirst into the mix by informing Shannon about how disgraceful it is that Vicki even needed to ask for Shannon’s support for her boyfriend’s fake illness. I’m thinking that Ronda is gunning for a spot in next season’s cast or at least an opportunity to be the bartender on Watch What Happens and I can only pray that she ends up having to serve Shannon a drink. In any case, Ronda is just getting started. That’s right, Ronda-without-an-‘h’ is ready to throw the f*ck down and she does it by calmly tossing out that Shannon does not need to see any of Brooks’ medical records. After all, Vicki never asked to see any records that proved just how often David cheated on Shannon – and right there is when I would have kicked Ronda so hard in the face that not only would she still not have an “h” in her name, but it would also no longer end with an “a.” What kind of verbal retaliation is this stranger spewing? What kind of compelling argument does she think is being made? Why has nobody punched this woman? Where is Ryan and his concealed weapon when you need him?
Shannon is horrified and absolutely certain that it was Vicki who instructed Ronda to publicly mention the affair as a way of deflecting. Maybe she’s right about that, but I don’t fully buy it. I think Vicki gossiped with her brother and Ronda about the affair and Ronda pulled it out of her back pocket like it was a lint-covered wintergreen tic tac that she popped in her mouth because her breath smelled like sh*t. Frankly, I’d appreciate Vicki more if she were as diabolical as everyone seems to want to believe she is, but I think they’re giving her way too much credit. The woman is a moron; she is not Machiavellian, and I would have to be shot with a tranquilizer dart filled with PCP to give Vicki credit for anything at this point.
Instead of simply walking away from a dipsh*t, Shannon feels the need to confront one. She stalks over to Vicki while Meghan races along behind her so she won’t miss even a second of the chaos of Operation F*ck Vicki. “Thank you for being such a great friend,” hisses Shannon through clenched teeth while steam pours out of her ears at such an alarming degree that it made my hair frizz instantaneously. “Thank you for telling my secret,” she finishes before stalking away while Meghan stays behind to helpfully explain what just went down. Upon hearing what Ronda said, Vicki looks upset. She just wants to leave the party because apparently the only thing Satan loves more than confusion is when your brother’s girlfriend retaliates against one of your closest confidants at a baptism. Plus, according to Vicki, Shannon kept pushing and pushing for superfluous things like actual answers and Ronda’s response is exactly what Shannon deserved. And that’s the line said by the woman who an hour earlier had her hand raised majestically in the air as she swayed to the choral swells of Amazing Grace.
It seems like maybe everyone should just call it a night, but Tamra’s got a different idea. Maybe Pastor Mike can help! It’s not a terrible idea, but it is a misguided one because Vicki is too far gone now to deal with anything but trying to suck in her stomach and so she tells the nice Pastor that she is done with Shannon Beador and I am once again reminded that the women on this show use someone’s full name when they’re really pissed off. Besides, Vicki is the one who should be hurt here! Nobody has called to see how she is doing and she’s been having a rough time and that’s when Billy jumps in to say that their mom just passed away and Vicki seems to remember that she can use that fact to garner herself a little sympathy from a well-intentioned Pastor.
Now look: I am incredibly cognizant of the fact that the loss of a parent is searing in its anguish and I don’t doubt for a single second that her pain is real. But to pull it out right then and there and choke out some words that she wishes she could be in heaven with her mommy strikes me as repulsive in its pure and unadulterated manipulation – and it’s sh*tty and obvious manipulation at that. I think Vicki’s sadness here is contrived. I think her speaking the words “I know Jesus” is insane. I think she is a pathetic woman and I don’t find her to be genuine in the least and I feel sorry for Pastor Mike that he’s been dragged into such nonsense.
“I need a hug,” whimpers a person nobody wants to embrace – except maybe her good friend Satan. After all, Satan loves to cuddle! And Vicki is sick of being nailed to the cross just like Jesus Christ who did nothing wrong – and with that comparison, I am officially over Vicki Gunvalson in whatever incarnation of herself she’d like to present while hoping any one of them will stick. I am done with drunken Vicki. I am done with Grandma Vicki. I want to drown born-again Vicki. And I wouldn’t watch her as the newest hostess of The 700 Club even if the rest of my television stations only broadcast blinding and constant static.