Real Housewives of Orange County – 10/12/15

October 13th, 2015 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

But before Vicki can get into her limo and head off to a party where all of the attendees love Jesus (she actually says that), Shannon approaches her and the two of them scream about who has been a sh*ttier friend and maybe it’s just time to call it a day and a season. Shannon can go back inside where there’s bound to be some vodka and a husband who swears that he loves her and Vicki can go kneel on something and pretend that knowing a hymn makes her something other than a garbage person.
Unfortunately for Vicki, Tamra pops her head into the limo to inform her that the women found out that the place Brooks went for his PET-scan is a place that doesn’t actually do PET-scans and so Tamra wants to know if that factor means that Brooks is faking everything? What does Vicki have to say about that? Well, let’s allow Jesus to speak for her, shall we? Here we go:

1. Vicki doesn’t know anything.

2. She was in Oklahoma when those tests were done.

3. She has no answers to offer anyone and everybody should know that her daughter is a sh*t-stirrer and that’s why she says bad things about Brooks and it’s just a coincidence that Brooks was not permitted to attend her mother’s funeral and it’s not because other members of her family think Brooks is repulsive also.

It’s actually Tamra who comes to the defense of Vicki’s own child and the entire thing is absolutely repulsive to watch and it only gets worse when Vicki says that she is leaving now with her head held high and the feeling that she too has been baptized.

“Guess what?” asks our newest prophet. “When you’re aiming at someone else, you’re not looking at yourself in the mirror.”

Bull’s-eye, lunatic.

Back inside the strangest baptism that ever was, we get some epilogue information:

Brooks and Vicki have broken up and now Satan hates Brooks too.

Meghan enjoys calling people out and wants only the truth to be told. With that decree in mind, I would like to then honestly tell her to burn every f*cking one of those headbands and to find a man who manages to gaze at her without a sneer.

Shannon and David? Well, they have discovered forgiveness and they’re trying really hard to be happy and Shannon and Vicki are no longer speaking and that means that I’m getting myself a tee with Shannon’s face emblazoned across the front of it tomorrow and anointing a holiday in her honor. Vodka will be served.

Heather is fine. She has always been fine and she always will be fine and she is excited to move into her new house that’s the size of a continent.

Tamra’s also doing well, and I think I have to give her some credit. She conducted herself remarkably well all season long. She didn’t threaten to slit even one person’s throat and her head didn’t spin around even a tiny bit. So as she nibbles on an edible halo at her party and expounds about having embraced her faith, I hope that she really does find some happiness.

And now the party is over and it’s time to go home and rest up for what’s bound to be an antagonistic Reunion. But before anybody leaves, Tamra has some gift bags to pass out to the friends who made it until the end of her big night. The gift bags weren’t shown on camera, but I’m guessing they were glitzy and stuffed with heaps of hot pink tissue paper and contained a CD of affirmations read by Brooks in the southern drawl I’d bet you anything is fake and a humongous bottle of Resveratrol that’s designed to ward off sniffles, cellulite, and tumors.

Amen, everybody. See you at the Reunion. And if you’re looking for Vicki in the meantime, she’s hanging somewhere on a cross.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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