And now that yeast has been discussed, it’s time to get into the MEGHAN IS ONLY THIRTY portion of the show. She doesn’t know who Heather Locklear is and she possibly thinks that Stevie Nicks is a man and she is not afraid to share her opinions about the fact that Shannon has “judgey-eyes.” Andy wants to know if Meghan has always been this confident, and as Vicki does her best not to lunge across the room and strangle her, Meghan responds that yes, she has always been this self-assured. Then Tamra rhapsodizes about how close she and Meghan are and Vicki’s eyes go blank as she murmurs safe words to herself so her head doesn’t blow the f*ck off.
As for the contentious relationship between Meghan and Shannon, most of that is repaired for now. Andy wants to know what the turning point was when Shannon stopped believing Meghan is undiluted evil and Meghan stopped placing bets on the fact that Shannon is clearly insane, and I expected the response to be something along the lines of, “Well, sometimes it takes a friend’s boyfriend faking cancer to bring two women together!” but I was incorrect. In fact, it was when Shannon helped Meghan to secure an appointment with a doctor for Hayley’s mother that altered the trajectory of their relationship, and such a move reminds me that, judgment-filled eyes or not, I think Shannon is actually a genuinely good person.
During the interlude, we learn that Vicki expects respect because she has been on this show since the beginning and that she calls it “my show.” Good lord, I seriously hope that Bravo’s healthcare plan includes therapy that concentrates specifically on rampant delusions of grandeur conjured by a woman who looks more frightening in close-up than the clown from It…while he is holding a chainsaw…and his eyeballs are being gouged from his head with a teaspoon. We also get a commercial for the new Bradley Cooper movie that is interspersed with scenes from The Real Housewives, as though someone in advertising saw such poignant similarities between the movie and the show that immediate synchronicity was formed by way of perhaps the most idiotic form of marketing I have ever seen. Therefore, I also hope that the studio that’s releasing Burnt provides a good plan that will secure the foolish soul who conceptualized that commercial a pain-free lobotomy.
TAMRA GETS HER GROOVE BACK is the next montage we see and there are all kinds of scenes that involve her becoming a grandmother and getting herself baptized and all the ways her mess has become her message. Watching the footage, Tamra dabs at her eyes and then tells Andy that her granddaughter has inherited her attitude – which seriously sucks for the kid’s eventual classmates. But then Tamra gets into all of the things that transpired in her life over the last year and she needs a tissue before she even starts telling a story she has never told before. A big part of me began to pray right here – the woman has clearly rubbed off on me – and I couldn’t stop from thinking, Keep something to yourself! Just one thing! Alas, my reservoir of religion is not nearly as deep as Tamra’s, so she went ahead and launched into a story about how her daughter told her that she doesn’t want to live with her ever again. The moment sounds dreadful and I feel terribly for Tamra here and a part of me understands that she is telling her story so her perspective is out there, but another piece of me can’t help but think that her revelations will do nothing to heal that rift. I hope for her that at some point she and her daughter will reconnect, but I also hope that, should it happen, it will occur far away from the lens of a camera.
And now we have reached the end of the hour and Brooks’ name has not been mentioned even once, though there was sufficient time to debate whether or not Vicki’s comment to the sushi chick was out of line. Luckily, we are finishing strong by hearing whispers from a ghost from the past. That’s right! Jesus Jugs emailed Andy just the night before and the woman’s got a mission and Tamra is her target. See, J.J. refuses “to sit back and have a mockery made of her savior,” which I guess she thinks is what occurred when a woman she believed to be demonic got baptized on the television screen her husband, her king, allows her to watch for forty minutes each day. She sees Tamra’s religious awakening as trying to snag a hall pass for her past disgraceful behavior, but Tamra – so forgiving now – allows the comment to roll off of her back while blinking furiously in an effort to send her son the bat signal to knock the woman off as soon as he gets his hands on a weapon that can’t be traced.
Next week it all goes down. Jim Edmonds – he of the joyful expressions – shows up and watches his wife tell Vicki how horrible it is that she predicted they’d get divorced while he pretends he’s not already calculating alimony payments in his head. Also, Brooks hit on Vicki’s daughter while she was pregnant and her mother was in the room, so indeed, there are things in life to look forward to.
And now if you’ll excuse me, I have an ex waiting upstairs holding a Snickers bar that I have already told him I will not share.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.