During the commercial interlude, we discover that Vicki doesn’t know the different between mammals and reptiles. Who cares? Isn’t it far more important to find out if she knows the difference between real and doctored PET-scans?
Now it’s time for Vicki’s daughter Brianna to join the ladies. I’m trying to imagine what it would take to get me to sit on a plush sofa beside women who have publicly stated their hatred for my mother while telling a talk show host/producer our family’s deepest, darkest secrets. I’m guessing it would involve a cocktail of morphine and whatever substance might cause temporary amnesia, but I think I just live in a different world than these women and my world is governed by pesky emotions like loyalty. The Housewife Universe is different. That said, I can’t help but enjoy the quiet terror dancing across Vicki’s face as her daughter takes her seat and I’m thinking she’s got good reason to be terrified.
The emotional carnage starts immediately with Andy bringing up the Facebook post where Vicki announced online that she and Brooks were living together before she had broken the news to her own daughter and then it comes up that she and Brooks have broken up and she is living alone for the first time ever and it feels weird. For quietly asking the question, “Why do you need somebody so badly?” directly to Vicki’s face, I’m about ready to forgive Andy for the pretend attack by The Mistress, and if Vicki had a good answer, maybe I’d pretend to forgive her too. Alas, she does not have a good answer (her actual answer is that she likes companionship because that’s how God designed her) and it’s entirely clear that this woman is apparently allergic to truth, self-reflection, and really high-end BB creams.
As for why the love story between Brooks and Vicki finally ended, it was Brooks who finally called it off. The main issue, at least according to Vicki, was the undying conflict between Brooks and Brianna. That conflict was formed when Brooks was recorded telling Brianna’s husband to beat her up to keep her in line – you know, normal marital advice – and her hatred for his has continued unabated. As for whether Brianna buys her mother’s latest claim that she was always her mother’s top priority, she does not and she actually calls bullsh*t on that one. See, it seems that any time Brooks did something repulsive to Brianna and Brianna told Vicki about it, Vicki would call her daughter a liar. Asked for a clear example, Brianna tells the little tale of the time that Brooks hit on her at Vicki’s birthday party while Brianna was pregnant and, when Brianna told her mother what occurred, Brianna was accused of lying and was told that Brooks would never want her anyway. I guess these are really the same issues that occur in any household. Housewives…they’re just like us!
So why didn’t Vicki get rid of such a repulsive creep after hearing that story from her daughter? Well, she just didn’t want to believe it was true that her debonair boyfriend wanted to flash his d*ck in her daughter’s face so she could see for herself that his nickname was “Girth Brooks.” And now please excuse me while I vomit up my pancreas due to the nausea that has completely overtaken my entire being.
Now that I have lost nine pounds after expelling several of my inner organs, can we just go back for a second and talk about the look on Vicki’s face when Brianna brought up Brooks’ adorable nickname? Anyone else want to tell me that it is not a nickname Vicki’s heard before from her awesome and truthful boyfriend? Because the look on her face gave it away and I’d watch her reaction play on repeat until the end of time, but I can’t because my television is a really high-definition and I simply cannot punish myself so viciously.
As for how long it’s been since Vicki’s spoken to Brooks, it’s been less than twenty-four hours since the exes have chatted. It’s also been that long since Meghan has heard from Brooks, or at least his lawyers. Yes, the healthiest cancer patient in the land is threatening to sue Meghan for defamation – and Brianna too, but that’s just for sport – and he and Andy recently sat down for an interview that cannot possibly matter in the least. Are we to expect the guy is now going to suddenly tell the truth? Will he whip out his d*ck so we can see if his nickname is accurate? What exactly is the point here of talking to this monster? In any event, Brooks’ interview begins with him saying that he blames the women and Brianna for ruining his relationship with Vicki. In fact, he is still in close touch with everybody else in Vicki’s family! Everybody else is a liar, not him! Brianna’s response to watching these statements is to say that he’s a f*cking liar, to which the Mother of the Year mother implores her not to swear because it’s profanity that’s the real issue here.
Oh, and Vicki’s claim that her mother adored Brooks? That was yet another lie.
Next week it finally all ends with even more questions about Brooks’ illness and a revelation that Vicki is scared of the guy. Perhaps it’s his massive girth that terrifies her.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon. Check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.
Wickedly smart blog of the reunion. Still laughing!