Brooks maintains he’s still battling cancer, though his levels are normalizing and his lesions are no longer present. It’s a holistic miracle! As for why two of his former girlfriends have accused him of faking cancer in the past, well, these are just pissed off women (including someone he actually refers to as “my baby momma”) who found themselves a platform on a blog and decided to skewer a guy because he didn’t want them. I think the moral of his story is something akin to “bitches be crazy,” but it was hard to concentrate on the profound lessons gleaned from this interview since I was far too busy focusing on all of the physical tells that illustrate that Brooks is either being deceptive or that he has more intense ADD than a toddler who has just snorted Fun Dip. The guy swiveled in his chair and he tapped his foot. He quickly picked up his water glass and took a sip when it was obvious that he needed another second to figure out what to say. He nodded his head like someone having a seizure. His resting expression is an exaggerated smirk. Forget that the guy might very well have faked an illness on television. What I cannot accept is that any person on the planet has willingly slept with someone so repulsive.
Heather wants to know if Brooks has ever actually seen a real doctor instead of all of the “noncologists” he’s always mentioned and Vicki maintains that yes, he did. In fact, she even names the doctor, a bad call on her part. See, Heather happens to know that doctor and I’m guessing this story has already been gossiped about because Heather’s already confirmed with the doctor that Brooks never once came to see him. But what’s even weirder here is that Vicki keeps saying that it’s not her fault, that certain doctors wouldn’t allow filming during examinations. I’d like to take a second to congratulate those doctors for having some respectability, but after I’m done applauding a medical professional for being more camera-shy than Lenka, the grass-loving charlatan, I have to wonder why Vicki didn’t accompany Brooks to doctors off camera? This guy has been sick (or so she says) for years. Would she only accompany him to appointments if the office came rigged with klieg lights and a boom mic? And still, even after all of this, Vicki continues to say that she believes Brooks because she doesn’t yet have enough proof either way? Methinks that something stinks in Orange County – and it’s not the results of a coffee enema.
Vicki might not have proof, but Shannon says she’s got some. She went to Newport Imaging to get herself a scan and her form looks markedly different than the one Brooks probably made down in Vicki’s basement while she was at work making money so the guy could live in brown-upholstered luxury. Shannon gives a litany of disparities between her form from the place and Brooks’ – and she makes a seriously well-formulated argument – and Vicki’s response is…silence.
And now back to Brooks! Why, Andy wonders, were there so many inconsistencies between the stories Brooks told versus the ones Vicki told about his treatment? Obviously, the guy’s answer is that the whole thing is Vicki’s fault. She likes to tell people what they want to hear and she loves getting sympathy and she misspoke all the time. As for what he has to say to Meghan, the woman who herself posed on the phone as a cancer patient to get information meant to expose him as a fraud after reaching out to strangers who used to date him, his response is that she can f*ck off. The only thing that surprises me about his comment is that Meghan, Heather, and Brianna appear shocked – shocked! – by it. What did they think his response would be? A thank you? A request to join them for Thanksgiving as long as he brings a cranberry loaf made with Splenda? A compliment about how Meghan looks as a brunette? Ladies, please.
Andy does ask Brooks why he doesn’t just show Terry Dubrow, an actual doctor, his reports so he can put the rumors to rest once and for all and Brooks’ response is that he wishes he had and that he will do so before the Reunion. Then he smirked and cocked his head to the side and I swear that I saw a glimpse of his hand and his fingers were crossed like he’s a f*cking child lying about not feeding his broccoli to the family schnauzer. Oh, and he never contacted Terry. Who’s surprised? As for the story of Terry being called in the dead of night to administer an IV of fluids to a “sick, sick, sick” Brooks – who I’m now guessing was throwing up after ingesting too much tequila served by a genius Poker Player Waitress – Vicki tries to clarify the story she told Shannon but all that comes out is that she “fabricated” most of it because she wanted some compassion. That’s right – because Brooks was “getting so quiet mouthed” about everything, she started to feel like she needed people who would support an illness she’s now seeming to claim that she was beginning to doubt herself, but as far as this goes as an excuse, Shannon’s not having it. She jumps right in and confronts this verbal bullsh*t accordingly by telling Vicki that she called people who were also doubting his cancer “vile” and that she begged them “pray for me” and that all of that is nothing but gross.
Did Vicki ever see Brooks get chemotherapy? She was in the waiting room but she didn’t see it with her own eyes. But she “still believed Brooks has cancer!” and that right there is an almost impossible statement to decipher. “Believed” is past tense. Does she currently then doubt his illness? Or does she still buy this horsesh*t because “has” is present tense? I think I’m gonna chalk it up to the fact that Vicki often speaks poorly and instead I’ll just focus on what Heather is saying because it might actually be somewhat important. What Heather basically says is that Vicki is a smart woman and none of Brooks’ tales make logical sense and she has to see that and he must “have something” on Vicki and that’s why she’s lying for him. And now, right here in this very moment, I’m going to need to take a short break so I can pray:
Dear Lord,
I know that I have not always shown compassion to others and I definitely drank before I turned twenty-one and I’ve wondered aloud several times if some of my students were raised by wolves with an incurable case of rabies. It is with my own flawed behavior in mind that I approach you carefully because I don’t want to push my luck but I think I need to make a real plea here. Please don’t let whatever Brooks has on Vicki be a sex tape. And should he have recorded the two of them boning, please don’t allow him to release that footage into a world that is already suffering from poverty, terrorism, global warming, Donald Trump running for President, and Hershey’s releasing a new candy bar made out of something called “candy corn crème.” Have we not as a society already endured enough? Is seeing Vicki Gunvalson taking it from behind going to be the sign of The End of Days? Listen Lord, I know that it’s very bad form to try to bargain with you, but if you can keep these images from being released in high-definition into the world, I promise that I’ll be nice to my mother all the time, even while she launches into long and detailed stories about people I don’t know and will never meet. I will show more patience, Lord – I swear on Brooks’ pancreas that I will! Just please somehow destroy their potential sex tape before it singlehandedly destroys us all.
Amen.
PS: Sorry I didn’t fast on Yom Kippor.