A procession of D-List talent will invade our television screens tonight, but unfortunately I won’t see it because I’m not able to tune in to the Republican National Convention. While I’m devastated that I will miss the prime time speaking slot awarded to Scott Baio – who is, very sadly and very apparently, the very best the party can offer – I’ve made my peace with the fact that I will instead watch something really important, like The Real Housewives of Orange County. (Who else wants to bet that Vicki will totally vote for Donald Trump?) Of course, watching the OC Housewives is similar to watching the RNC anyway; there is an air of conspicuous consumption that almost seems palpable and white people as far as the eye can see. I do feel a little sad that I will miss hearing the pearls of wisdom spoken by one of the stars of Duck Dynasty, but that sadness can be assuaged somewhat by realizing that this episode could very well begin with Shannon cold-clocking Vicki across the face! Truth? I rarely believe that violence is the answer to a problem with a fellow human being, but I’m no longer convinced that Vicki Gunvalson is of this species and nothing short of DNA testing that’s been done by a team of experts that Brooks never even claimed to work with will satisfy my suspicions.
Last week’s episode ended with Vicki crying to Tamra and begging her to be her friend, Shannon rolling her eyes at Vicki’s pathetic ways, and Kelly imploring a group of strangers to forgive a woman who has systematically lied to them for sport. At least there were refreshments. That party is still raging and half the guests are sitting around swilling champagne, just waiting for some producer to whisper, “Your turn!” upon which the unlucky woman must go have a conversation with Vicki. Please let it be Shannon’s turn soon. I chanted this manta with conviction to the heavens. I mean, I love Heather, but Heather is almost always unfailingly polite. She’s not about to get into a brawl at someone else’s sunset event. Tamra gave it a pretty good attempt. She posed some pointed questions Vicki’s way – to which Vicki responded by repeatedly saying “Stop” – but Tamra gets too emotionally swayed by Vicki’s tears, which I hear are made out rhinoceros urine. But Shannon is done being emotional about Vicki, unless the emotion in question is a form of blank anger. She’s our very best bet at letting Vicki have it.
Once the sun majestically sets beyond the waves, Kelly invites her guests into her house for some shots. As she mentioned before, there is indeed a bar on every floor. Might this be something to worry about? For the moment, let’s just pretend those various bars are an aesthetic choice, okay? Her home is grand and eclectic and I’d love to stay there when she and her entire family go out of town. Sidling up to the bar, Vicki orders a drink and finds herself standing beside Shannon. They stand there, completely ignoring one another, until neither can help it and they land in a staring contest that Vicki breaks by going in for a hug. Let’s face it: she knew full well she could never outstare Shannon. In any case, Vicki says that they need to talk and that she really misses Shannon – to which Shannon says nothing at first. But then, since it’s her job and all, she sits down beside Vicki and listens stone-faced as Vicki swears she knew nothing about Brooks’ duplicity and she just really wants to move forward because that would be very convenient for her. What would be convenient for Shannon, however, is hearing some truth. Giving Vicki perhaps too much credit, she explains that there’s no way she couldn’t have known that Brooks was lying about having cancer and, as Vicki swears six more times that she is too dumb enough not to have known a thing, Shannon just looks at her and tells her that she doesn’t believe her. I’d like to officially thank the heavens now for answering my prayer. Now I’d like to ask that they please move on to creating world peace and finding me the perfect guy with the perfect amount of scruff.
“I’m not being stuck in the past,” insists Shannon to Vicki. “I’m just being smart.”
“It wasn’t about you, Shannon,” whimpers Vicki, who is very unaccustomed to speaking with someone who doesn’t realize that everything is all about her.
“Is this an apology?” Shannon wonders next – and I guess it is because Vicki starts to cry then and says, “I want our friendship back.” I commend Shannon for not laughing in the woman’s face here and just in case anyone thinks I’m being too cruel, let’s remember that Vicki waited to do all of her apologizing once the camera crews came around again. Nothing says sincerity more.
Meanwhile, it’s time for Meghan to give herself a shot and she invites the others to watch. Kelly leads them all downstairs and shows off her closet (it’s big, filled with a lot of animal print clothing, and has its own bar), and that’s where Meghan jams herself in the stomach with a needle while the rest of the women yell out shouts of encouragement. And still none of that is as bad as Vicki and her guinea pig fur vest walking into the closet and choking out, “I want to be friends with you guys again,” or hearing Kelly chime in, “She wants to be friends again!” like hearing such news is a joyous thing for any of them. Meghan’s response is f*cking awesome. She very quietly and very plainly states, “We weren’t ever friends, Vicki,” and it’s nothing short of hilarious at how horrified Kelly looks upon hearing such cruel words uttered so close to one of her Chanel bangles.
The next day, Meghan high-fives herself in the mirror for her line in Kelly’s closet and then gives herself another shot. Her husband is back home and appears horrified by the news that his wife can allegedly already hear her ovaries talking in the dead of night. Their next plan is to go pick up Jim’s frozen sperm and then transport it effectively in a cryogenic chamber so it stays good and icy on its way to the fertility clinic. Later on at their house, Meghan explains to her devoted husband all the procedures she will soon be going through in his absence. There are words like “blood” and “egg retrieval” and “I’ll have to go under” stated, but Jim’s only response is to question if she really thinks he’ll remember all of that. The guy is the f*cking worst.