At Heather’s house, she is lamenting the fact that Terry is taking off for a work trip that just so happens to begin on Mother’s Day. He’s been gone a ton lately and he doesn’t seem to be slowing down on any of his work commitments. All of it has left Heather feeling like she’s not a priority, but she has to put those sentiments on hold for an even bigger priority. Her builder has arrived and she would like to know when she can leave this rented prison she’s living in and get into her new home that comes with its very own zip code. It’s looking like she’ll get in around May, but there are still so many decisions to make, like exactly how long Terry’s onyx bar should be and whether or not they should have rows of loveseats so nobody in the room looks off-center. There are very relatable problems and I hope everything turns out as well for Heather as it did for me when I just screamed, “F*ck it!” one day and went with six loveseats all in a row.
Over at Vicki’s, though, things are bad. Briana has to go to the hospital because she’s having trouble breathing. The poor girl is gasping for air as she’s loaded into an ambulance near a gas station and Vicki is devastated and scared. She wants to go to the hospital with her daughter, but she needs to wait for someone to watch the kids. Stepping in for an hour until the regular babysitter gets there is Sarah, Ryan’s ex-girlfriend, who saw the ambulance when she pulled into the gas station. After Vicki leaves, Tamra comes over and it’s a good thing she’s there because otherwise none of us would have known that it was Jesus Christ himself who put Sarah at that gas station at that very moment. If only Jesus or someone else who’s holy could help mend the fractured relationship between Sarah and Ryan that probably should never have happened in the first place.
Over at the beach, Kelly’s brother and mother quiz her kid on the state capitals and then Kelly walks out in what I’m guessing is a bodysuit that she’s wearing with some jeans. She’s holding a bottle of something that I’m guessing came from the bar on the second floor and she’s on her way over to Meghan’s. Meghan greets her and takes Kelly on a tour of her construction-ridden home and then sits her down to inform her that she might not want to get too involved in the whole Vicki Thing because it will invariably be seen as overstepping her bounds. Besides, the woman is a f*cking monster. Kelly, however, does not plan to listen to this advice because it comes from a millennial and millennials think it’s all about them and Kelly has known Vicki for two entire weeks and they are amazing friends and she will be there for Vicki forever and perhaps the two of them can share an ottoman at the eventual Reunion when nobody else wants to sit anywhere near them.
Also: with Briana is in the hospital with a fever of one hundred and four, Vicki must watch her grandchildren and it looks like a horror show. Tamra calls to check in and I’m sure it’s because Jesus told her that she should.
As for Shannon, she’s meeting with event planners to plan a seventies party and, for the record, I could watch this woman say, “Peace, love, far out man,” on a loop for f*cking days. She requests the disco ball be up and running for the big night so those silvery flashes of light will beautifully illuminate the TV dinners she’s planning to serve so the whole night stays on theme. Later on, she meets up with Tamra and watches in terror as her friend orders dry chicken on a plate with some vegetables. Shannon is effectively shamed into forgoing the eating of anything fun, but she will rebel just a bit and use some salt because life is too damn short not to indulge in some f*cking seasoning. Anyway, Tamra tells Shannon all about Briana’s medical crisis and Shannon’s response is to murmur how scary that is and then ask why Briana is even here when her husband is still back in Oklahoma. “That’s a good question,” agrees Tamra. “I wonder why she is here…” “Because Vicki wanted her here,” replies Shannon. See, here’s a woman who sees quite clearly just who Vicki Gunvalson is as a person and she’s currently sharing a meal with someone who is still looking for the shred of decency that doesn’t actually exist. Listen, there’s no doubt that Vicki buying her kid a house is all sorts of generous, but much of that was to satisfy her own needs, not the needs of her kid.
Speaking of that kid, she’s finally home from the hospital and she looks bruised and tired and scared. Vicki lets her know how good the boys were while she was away and promises to come home from work soon and though I might really hate the woman, I truly hope her daughter feels better soon.
Back at the blandest dinner possible, Shannon admits that she doesn’t want to invite Vicki to her party, but she also doesn’t want to be mean and intentionally leave her out. She tells Tamra that she’s going to send Vicki an email that basically states that she has no desire to be her friend, but she’s officially invited to come whoop it the f*ck up at Shannon’s seventies party as long as she stays on the opposite side of the room from everyone who hates her. Tamra focuses on the first part of the email – the part that states that nothing has or will change in the status of their now-demolished friendship. Me? I thought the part about including the woman in spite of the fact that she’s so awful was kind of sweet, but Tamra sees the email as passive aggressive and a little bit cruel and she encourages Shannon to rework it a bit and make it seem like nobody will run fleeing from that party just because Vicki walks into the room.
That said, the preview of next week’s episode shows everybody screaming at one another while they’re all wearing polyester. The whole thing looks so traumatic, I’d encourage people to start the fleeing right now.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.