Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 8/1/16

Over in the house of vodka bars and perpetual doom, Kelly is decked out in some leopard and is cooking dinner with her husband, a man she says never listens to her. Luckily, her mother and brother live in the house too so they can listen as she rambles on about how very rude Shannon was to her at the party where Kelly arrived hammered and then told the hostess that she looked like Mrs. Roper, only uglier. “I got set up completely,” Kelly announces, “but karma’s a bitch.” (Thank goodness the new girl comes equipped with all these hip new sayings, huh?) Kelly’s mother, on the other hand, recommends that her daughter not wait with bated breath for Shannon’s karma to implode in her face and instead to forgive Shannon and show her some kindness. Anyone else think Kelly’s mom is about to end up in that dungeon?

At CUT Fitness, Tamra meets up with her trainer/spiritual advisor so she can be implored to eat an egg white, learn how to pose during the upcoming competition, and think of psalms while she walks in Lucite heels. Mia recommends that Tamra wear a bikini that makes her look like a Disney Princess and then teaches her how to eye-f*ck the judges while remaining close to God. Teachers truly do change lives.

Back in Washington, D.C., Meghan and Heather show up at the Fight CRC event for which Meghan very clearly should have written a speech in advance. She stumbles – badly – through the beginning, but she seems to recover decently towards the end and at least she got up there and did her part. I think Meghan’s probably a good person. Unfortunately, she’s married to the f*cking antichrist.

Speaking of hellish things, let’s talk about Vicki! She arrives at the house she purchased for her daughter and once again marvels at how thrilled she is to have Briana back in her life after she chose her boyfriend over her kid for the last several years. (Guess Briana is the forgiving sort, too.) Vicki introduces herself to the interior designers and manages to refrain from recommending that the entire palate of the home be burnt sienna. Tamra stops by next to give Briana a tank top on which is written a proverb and then watches Vicki freak the hell out because her grandson locked himself in her car and won’t give her back the keys. Perhaps the kid’s just trying to drive back to Oklahoma so he can finally be rid of the crazy woman.

And still there has been no resolution for all the sh*t that went down the other night, but Kelly is finally ready to make a move. She dials Shannon, listens to the dull “Hi” when Shannon finds out who is on the other end of the line (No Caller-ID? I call bullsh*t on that), and then forges ahead and asks if she’d like to meet for coffee so they can talk. After a slight hesitation, Shannon agrees to sit across from her and we’ll get back to their sure-to-be calamitous coffee date in a second, but first we must pop back to D.C. so Heather and Tamra can take a call from Tamra, during which Tamra can tell them about the upcoming Kelly/Shannon summit and Meghan can give them some vague intell about how Shannon probably did set up an ambush that would hopefully destroy Kelly’s life. As Tamra and Meghan mull those damning possibilities, Heather makes a worried face but keeps her mouth shut and manages at the same time to not say anything incriminating while still allowing us to know exactly what she’s thinking.

Now it’s time for the standoff to begin and Kelly arrives first. She’s ready to hear Shannon’s side of the story and she begins their meeting by asking how long Shannon has known Jaci, one of the women Kelly thinks was planted at that party for nefarious reasons. Shannon’s cautious here. She tells Kelly she’s known Jaci for three years before asking why she’s being cross-examined when what she was really expecting was an apology for all the Audra Lindley jokes. But Kelly? She’s already mad because she knows deep inside that Shannon introduced her to Jaci already knowing they were connected somehow and she phrases her discontent like this: “I knew that you knew that I knew her.” Well said, Kelly, but Shannon denies having any of this knowledge and she insists that she would never have a party just to stir sh*t up. She also reminds Kelly that Kelly shouted that she was ugly and that was a cruel thing to say, especially when Kelly also looked hideous, kind of like an Indian. I’m not sure where Shannon was going with this, but Kelly seizes upon it and you just know her brain was trying to figure out exactly how badly she could ruin Shannon’s life by running with the Shannon-Hates-Native-Americans thing. But while Kelly thinks about how she can frame Shannon for a hate crime, Shannon is moving forward and bringing up that Kelly told David he looked like a pedophile and maybe Kelly needs an etiquette book (Quick: someone call the Countess in New York!) and Kelly shoots back that it’s Shannon who needs the etiquette book and their voices are growing loud enough that the fellow diners who were kind enough to sign the release form at the entrance to the restaurant turn to gape at all the noise. But Shannon is just getting started, see, because now it’s time for her to rail against Kelly for announcing that it’s obvious why David had an affair and for calling her friend ugly. Kelly’s response is to just shout louder before telling us in an interview that she has a slight anger problem. No sh*t, lady.

“You’re supposed to forgive,” Kelly tells Shannon. “You’re supposed to accept apologies. I just want to move on from this.”

“I don’t trust you,” Shannon responds blithely.

“I just want to move on,” Kelly mumbles again. And then the woman who lives with a man who won’t listen to her or allow her to divorce him – a woman who willingly joined The Real Housewives of Orange County – adds, “I can’t have negativity.”

Oh, sweetheart. Nobody believes you.

Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at Her twitter is @nell_kalter.

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