Real Housewives of Orange County Recap – 8/15/16

I’ve been so consumed lately with focusing on how much of an assh*le one of the Presidential candidates is that I’ve almost forgotten about that other raging assh*le, Kelly Dodd. I suppose I’ll worry tomorrow about my newest affliction – Assh*le ADD – but tonight, I’m just going to appreciate that the closest I’ll ever get to this awful human specimen is through my television screen. The other Real Housewives are not so fortunate. They’re contractually bound; they must interact with the seething monster in the terrible clothing until someone finally slays the beast.

Where last we left off before the Olympics conquered Bravo, Kelly sneered that she’d never be friends with Shannon because Shannon is “ugly” and then invited Shannon to lunch to apologize for being such a d*ck. That apology did not go so well since Shannon insisted she did not, in fact, throw a party with the express purpose of setting up a woman she barely knows. Luckily, Kelly can drink away her pain in one of the twenty-three bars that line every nook and cranny of the lovely home she lives in with a man she hates.

The carnage continues tonight because the general rule is that it takes a full seven years for any Housewives conflict to really get resolved. That said, some lunatic in power made Kelly a Real Housewife, so the others are obliged to hang out with her. Tamra starts it off. She takes one for the team and invites Kelly over to help her plan a last-sushi-and-booze hurrah for Meghan before she’s inseminated with the demon’s sperm. It’s a nice opportunity for Kelly to show off one of her many talents: making fun of Asian accents! Excellent vetting job, Bravo. While she’s there, Kelly makes sure to tell Tamra that Shannon is not her type of girl – which means Shannon should immediately go outside and take a victory lap. Kelly’s still trying to spin the story of the party to how she sees it, a viewpoint she came to while intoxicated nearly beyond comprehension. Yes, Shannon’s friend was unbelievably rude to have announced in front of Kelly’s husband that the last time she saw her, Kelly was with another man. That’s a bitch move, clear and simple. But my assumption is that woman saw cameras and thought it was her chance to snag a Swarovski orange in some upcoming season by saying something incendiary. Even Kelly has no idea why Shannon would have gone out of her way to set her up, but she refuses to believe it did not happen. To make her feel better, Tamra tells Kelly there are rumors that she sucks d*ck to pay bills. We all need a friend like Tamra, don’t we? I’m gonna ask Santa Claus to bring me a Tamra come December! And if I’m a very good girl this year, maybe my Tamra will also quote scripture round the clock!

In Vicki’s brown paradise, she sits down for lunch with her daughter. Briana is worried about the money it’s costing to renovate her new home. Vicki, meanwhile, is worried about whether or not she should buy a boat. (Somewhere under the sea, the fish are currently strategizing to stop such a horrible woman from invading their peaceful ecosystem. I’m pretty sure I learned in Biology class in 10th grade that fish hate any form of the Whoo Hoo.) Anyway, Vicki’s ex snagged the last boat in the divorce and now she needs a new boat and a new husband because being alone with herself is the most miserable form of torture imaginable. I’d add something about how she mentioned her empty love tank, but I’m concerned about my health so I refuse to really go into it.

Back at Tamra’s house, there’s invitation anxiety because Tamra – for no good reason at all – wants Vicki to attend the party in Meghan’s honor. Since Meghan hates Vicki’s f*cking guts, she’d rather the woman not attend. Honestly, I cannot for the life of me figure out why Tamra is still so attached to Vicki. Their bond icks me out something fierce. In any case, Meghan’s not backing down; that liar cannot come to her party and finally Tamra agrees to uninvite her, but not before she tells us that Meghan’s new nickname is “Satan.” I’m sure Jesus approves, Tamra, so no worries.

In more normal news, Heather is about to be on the show The Doctors. One of the reasons I really like Heather is because she actually comes out and acknowledges that she has an enormous support system around her, one supported by her enormous fortune. Sure, her comment on the merits of vaginal steaming almost soured me on her, but there are bigger assh*les to fry on this show.

Now that The Real Housewives of Orange County has apparently turned into Goop 2.0 with it’s talk of steaming one’s nether regions, it’s time to continue that theme and send Meghan off to a holistic master to help her with her bloating and fatigue. Wearing braids that make her look all of twelve, Meghan might not understand anything this doctor is saying, but she does want to feel better and, since her husband is of no source of support, she’ll explore alternative methods. Shannon and Tamra show up next and Meghan takes the opportunity once again to tell Tamra that she does not want to be in the same room as Vicki. Then she says that Vicki is invited to the party and I’d love to explain what’s going on here, but not a bit of it makes any sense so I’m just going to save my energy for recapping the moment when Kelly shrieks across the table that Tamra is a dumb f*ck.

Before we move on, I’d just like to nominate Shannon as Rational Housewife of the Century for refusing to turn the other cheek and pretending what Vicki did last season was anything other than unconscionable. She’s right. Vicki is a rage-filled liar who will spin tales for both imaginary casseroles and for conmen and Shannon’s quiet fury makes total sense in the way the mild reconciliations taking place between Vicki and the other women do not. By the way, this Rational Housewife title comes with a glittering tiara and a brand new set of friends. Perhaps Shannon should call those people immediately.

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