Back in Orange County, Shannon’s got her anger firmly directed at Vicki and she invites Tamra over to discuss just how much she hates her. Since Tamra hates Vicki now too, this is the perfect pairing. Eddie made Tamra see that Vicki is just jealous of her and therefore wants to make it seem like Tamra is in a bad marriage. As for the woman they are ripping into, she’s over at her house with her daughter, the only person willing to be in the same room as her at the moment. Wearing a shirt that actually says “Peace & Love,” this idiot explains that she and Tamra had the best drunken time ever in Ireland until the last two hours when something Vicki might have mentioned casually once to Kelly was revealed – you know, that Eddie fucks around on his wife and really likes c*ck? Just random gossip. Vicki’s daughter sees right through her mother’s nonsensical claims that she did nothing wrong by declaring her a dirty fighter and Briana is correct. Her mother cannot take criticism without lashing out and she is incapable of ever apologizing and I suppose it’s a good thing Vicki has no desire to try out her first ever apology on Shannon because Shannon is done with Vicki for f*cking all of eternity and she will turn and look the other way whenever she sees her from this point forth and that of course means Andy Cohen is going to make sure they are seated directly across from one another at the eventual Reunion just so things can get even uglier.
The man knows what he’s doing, people.
I’m guessing Kelly will be the biggest focus at that Reunion because Terry Dubrow’s reluctance to shrug off work for family time isn’t gonna be much of a draw. But since Kelly is a fucking imbecile, there’s lots to cover during that upcoming three-night event. Maybe Andy can start by asking Kelly to imitate Heather’s speaking voice once again because Kelly is so charming when she pretends to be a human being who’s got some class. Or perhaps Andy can ask Kelly if she has spent her entire f*cking life believing that every single person she has ever met has been out to get her, because I’m willing to bet she’s been screaming this complaint since her first days of middle school. As he’s yet to move out and divorce her, her husband has to sit there and listen to Kelly absolve herself of all blame, even about how she let that teensy and inconsequential item drop from her flapping lips that David once beat up Shannon. “Is that true?” Kelly’s husband asks her, horrified. “I don’t know if it’s true,” Kelly whines back. “It’s none of my business.” You guys, can it be considered actual assault if I punch the hell out of this woman by bashing my own television screen? I mean, I’m not the sort who usually throws down, but I hate the Kelly demon even more than I hate that one guy who I really hate.
Now that it’s almost time for her fitness competition, Tamra meets up with her trainer/spiritual advisor to try on tiny spangled outfits while simultaneously getting in a quick confession. She tells her guru she drank while she was in Ireland – she’s trying to ease into her cauldron of sin – and then explains what happened with both Kelly and Vicki and how she allowed her rather justified anger to get the best of her. The trainer’s advice, of course, is to forgive Vicki yet again because that’s what Jesus would do and while I very much believe each individual should carve her own religious path freely, I’m pretty close to sending Tamra a pamphlet about atheism through the mail.
Over at some restaurant, Meghan gets together with Kelly because she has decided that, though Kelly’s behavior has continuously been terrible, Meghan does not want to be a fair-weather friend. And because she is such a dear friend, Meghan gets to sit there and listen as Kelly says once again that she never did a single thing to any of those women and there’s simply no reason why they all attacked her because Kelly is f*cking crazy and sometimes crazy people like to say sentences to their pregnant friends while they sit together in restaurants. Meghan tries to get her to understand that the delivery of her statements was a major part of the problem, just as her below-the-nipple-embroidered-belt jabs were seriously out of line. Just to be clear, Meghan is speaking to Kelly as though this bonkers woman will actually internalize any of the words coming out of her mouth, but then a miracle happens. As Kelly shovels chips and salsa down her throat, she then announces that Meghan is correct and she is going to make amends with Tamra, who will be her first stop on the Apology Tour.
But before Kelly can grovel to Tamra, she decides to begin with Vicki. She invites her over and says some things that are true: that she has always had Vicki’s back – even when doing so was not all that beneficial – and she would like to know why Vicki did not therefore come to her aid when she so needed it in Ireland. Vicki’s simpering excuse is that all of this is really Shannon’s fault because Shannon was trying to get Kelly drunk and she drops that little factoid in Kelly’s lap so Kelly will concentrate on that instead of her anger at Vicki. The plan isn’t really working, though. Kelly wants answers and she’d also like to maybe go back in time so Vicki can defend her. That time travel thing seems like a good idea. Maybe if she hops in one of those machines real quick, she can also whizz back in time and remember to put on a shirt for this scene because I’m pretty sure that this entire conversation is happening while Kelly is topless and wearing an open denim shirt and some pearls.
Over at Tamra’s house, she’s practicing her competition walk while wearing clear high heels and pretending she’s hoisting a surfboard above her head. She breaks this rigorous activity to answer a phone call from Vicki who is calling to reiterate that everyone feels hurt and to make sure Tamra still wants to gaze upon Vicki’s proud face from the stage during the fitness show. At this point, even though Tamra’s sort of had it with this moron, she relents and allows Vicki to come to her show to cheer her on. And once that she’s done pretending that everything is fine with Vicki, it’s time for Tamra to sit down with Kelly. They meet for a drink and Tamra is open to moving on, but first she’d like to know where Kelly’s heart is. My guess is Kelly’s heart is terrified and currently hiding behind the six brain cells she’s got working, but Kelly is determined to be invited to the next Housewives backyard barbeque that will be held soon for no good reason at all so she apologizes immediately. Tamra apologizes also and she blames her own behavior on having been drunk and then allows Kelly to smother her in compliments like, “You’re a bigger person.” But Tamra does not respond to Kelly’s question about why Shannon is still so annoyed with her that she just announced publicly that there are allegations of domestic violence within Shannon’s marriage by grabbing her by the chin and screaming, “Seriously?!” Instead, she calmly implores Kelly to call Shannon and apologize. “Apologize for what?” this simpleton with the terrible clothing asks, and Tamra summons every piece of Godlike strength she’s got running through her body and simply responds, “For repeating it.” Kelly, however, is torn. Should she be the bigger person and apologize to Shannon? Whatever decision she ends up making, Kelly does know two very important things: that there is nobody on the planet more horrible than Heather Dubrow, puppet master extraordinaire, and that it’s very important that she constantly informs her daughter that coming in any place other than first place means she just placed last. I’m quite sure there’s a joke to be made here, but to do so just seems cruel.
Later that day as she’s between getting basted with spray tans, Tamra calls Shannon to tell her that Vicki called and just wants everybody to drop their anger – especially if it’s at her – and just move on. And as for the claims that Shannon feels very hurt that Vicki announced David’s alleged abuse to a relative stranger, Vicki’s only response is that they all feel hurt. This is all Shannon needs to hear. She wants some f*cking closure, dammit, and she will confront Vicki alongside Tamra and demand to know why Vicki keeps spreading nasty lies about the people she claims to love. Um, ladies? The answer to that question is that Vicki Gunvalson is a miserable shrew who cannot witness joy in others without wondering, “Why am I not feeling that exact same joy right this instant?” C’mon. She’s proven exactly who she is over a full decade spent on this show and who she is happens to be is a lying assh*le with envy and vodka running through her veins.
The fitness competition has finally arrived and Tamra is ready to be judged in the bikini contest. Though she’s nervous before walking onstage in one of the smallest outfits known to man, her trainer calms her down by reminding her that Jesus is always right there to give her strength. As Tamra nods at all the comforting words, the rest of the women arrive and settle down in the auditorium. Kelly and Vicki sit beside one another and then Heather arrives. She briefly kisses both Vicki and Meghan hello and then dismissively waves in Kelly’s direction. Look, this bitch will do whatever is the very least she can get away with doing when it comes to interacting with Kelly and I completely applaud Heather for being nothing but blandly polite because Kelly deserves not a thing more than that. As for Shannon, she arrives and pretends that Vicki and Kelly don’t even exist – which means I applaud Shannon even more.
The show begins and Tamra struts onto the stage. She’s all in sparkly pink and she doesn’t seem to have a belly button because Jesus never thought she needed one. Her body is sick and her friends are proud of her, but not just because her abs are fantastic. They’re proud because Tamra has transformed herself into a far calmer and kinder person over the last few years. Maybe it’s the good karma she tossed into the universe that’s coming back to reward her now – or maybe it’s because the judges think crowning her victorious will get them tickets to a taping of Watch What Happens – but Tamra wins the competition. She’s thrilled to have accomplished something and her friends surround her so they can all take some pictures and Shannon wanders away once Vicki shoves her body into the frame. Because let’s be honest here – the only way Shannon will ever have anything resembling a picture of herself with Vicki ever again will be if Shannon chops off Vicki’s hair, weaves hunks of it into a picture frame, and then sticks a picture of herself from her vow renewal ceremony that Vicki was not invited to inside of it.
I think even Ed Gein would approve.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.