It’s here! The season finale of The Real Housewives of Orange County is finally upon us! And do you know what that means? Actually, it doesn’t really mean a whole lot of anything. The truth of the matter is that this show is not anywhere near over, what with three weeks of a Reunion still to get through and then one of those “Secrets Uncovered” episodes, which we all know is filled with clips of the sh*t that didn’t make it through the first edit. I will not recap the “Secrets Uncovered” episode – I won’t even watch it – because I get offended when any network seeks to pass off their sloppy seconds to me like it’s actual entertainment. Besides, I’m pretty sure I can live forever and prosper without seeing some sequence in which Heather petitions a zoning board to allow her newest mansion to have its own zip code or watch Vicki continue to announce that she is never the cause of her own suffering. As I am quite certain that she is the cause of my suffering, I prefer not to expose myself to the horror when it’s not necessary.
As for the upcoming Reunion, I’m already dreading it. Not a ton happened this season and there’s no legitimate way for Sir Andy Cohen to fill three hours of television by retreading the action, so what that means is the time will be clogged up with even more screaming – and, by this point, I’m not sure I have the strength to take it. Very little of what these women are fighting about actually matters. I can certainly see why Shannon is apoplectic about Vicki spreading stories about David beating her because there are real stakes to such an allegation, but nobody really has to care that Kelly is a demonic moron who spouts profanity whenever she feels cornered and attacked – which is always. These women can make the choice to never associate with Kelly again, or at least they could if they were willing to leave this show and the benefits that come with calling oneself a “Bravolebrity” without any irony whatsoever.
As for what they’ll eventually talk about during the Reunion, here’s what’s gone down so far this season. I’ve divided the action up by Housewife, and if you’re noticing that there’s way more to cover in the Vicki and Kelly departments, it’s because they are insane people and I’m hoping my lengthy summations can eventually be used by the team of mental health clinicians who will one day surely study them so they can then write scholarly articles on the synergy that exists between psychosis and reality show participants.
Meghan: She went through fertility treatments alongside the least empathetic spouse in the stratosphere; she opened a candle store that I’m imagining smells like cucumber melon and desperation; she refused to leave a golf course to go visit Vicki in a hospital; she officially brought Kelly into the group, which probably means she should be punished by having to have yet another baby with Jim Edmonds; and she now thinks Heather is manipulating matters when it comes to how the rest of the women deal with the walking hideousness that is Kelly Dodd.
Heather: Allow me just to say a few things when it comes to Heather. Yes, she is beyond wealthy, almost unbearably thin, and she thinks she’s better than everyone else. In this context, though, she is absolutely f*cking right. She is better than many of her fellow Housewives. She is rational where they are not and she rarely lashes out like a monster who just took a shot of liquid PCP. That she is currently being viewed by some as the most manipulative and problematic person in the cast is total horsesh*t. Sure, she’d prefer nobody so much as speak to Kelly again so she won’t have to speak with her either, but to point the middle finger of blame at the lady with the horrified expression rather than the lady who shouted sh*t about someone’s custody issues down an Ireland street while being filmed by cameras means you’re concentrating on the wrong stuff. All Heather did this season was tell her husband he needs to spend more time with his family; calm everyone down after the dune buggy accident; and react to the behavior of others. She reacted most conspicuously to Kelly and we now know definitively that Heather really hates hearing the word “c*nt” as she nibbles on a spicy tuna roll. But she proved she’s a good friend to the people who are good to her and for anyone to now call her The Very Worst One just means that person has either not been paying attention or has been possessed by the walking trauma that is Kelly Dodd.
Tamra: Where once Tamra was an evil sh*t-stirrer, now she is a pious sh*t-stirrer. She found the Lord last season and her soul made the biggest turnaround ever witnessed since the days when Susan Atkins chose to worship Jesus Christ instead of Charles Manson. Tamra has spent much of this season forgiving scads of people she probably shouldn’t ever forgive. She forgave Vicki for lying about Brooks having cancer only to find out that Vicki told everyone in Orange County that Tamra’s husband is gay. (I’d celebrate that Tamra recently shouted, “F*ck you!” into Vicki’s mouth, but let’s be honest, okay? We all know they will fight like creatures riddled with rabies at the Reunion and they will start next season barely speaking to one another and then they will murmur that they love one another desperately while they’re both hammered and standing atop a bar in Majorca or wherever it is the Housewives are whisked off to next year so they can once again prove that traveling Americans are the very worst.) As for the other big apologies she accepted, Tamra allowed herself to forgive Meghan for not running to see Vicki in the hospital and she bizarrely forgave Kelly for spouting terrible sentences about how Tamra lost custody of her child – and then she won a fitness competition and that’s pretty much all Tamra has done this season, but she’s done all of it in bedazzled trucker hats, so at least there’s that.
Shannon: Shannon moved this season. And though she was not able to secure hospital-grade air for her new rental, things are still looking bright for Ms. Beador. Her once-annihilated marriage has been pieced back together to such a degree that her husband planned an entire vow renewal ceremony for her. David even took her side when his horrible mother told everybody wearing a microphone that Shannon is the f*cking devil. Shannon chose to hold Vicki accountable for being a deceptive assh*le and she didn’t haul off and knock Kelly’s teeth out when Kelly called her “Mrs. Roper” and “ugly” because Dr. Moon once told her that her knuckles have a greater purpose in this universe than connecting with the skin of a woman with stunted development who shouts nasty insults whenever she gets angry. Towards the end of the season, both time and vodka encouraged Shannon to try to make amends with Vicki, but that little reconciliation was shot to complete sh*t when she heard that Vicki spread stories about domestic abuse in Shannon’s relationship. At this point, the only people Shannon can stomach are Tamra, Heather, and Meghan, but she’s still invited everyone over to her house for a party after Tamra’s competition and that’s the sort of thing she just wouldn’t have to do if she walked away from this show forever and stopped associating with mentally-unbalanced f*cking heathens because I’m pretty sure they’re even worse for her than whatever kind of D-grade air is now clogging up her living room.
Kelly: I suppose it’s time to talk about Mentally Unbalanced F*cking Heathen #1, Kelly Dodd. A spectacular mess that’s allegedly human, Kelly has alienated just about every single being made up of cells that she has ever come into contact with – and then she goes ahead and blames every bit of it on the fact that she felt attacked. That’s pretty much it; that’s Kelly’s entire first season. She says terrible things and then she cries and begs for forgiveness even though she will do the exact same thing the very next time she gets angry. The only other information we learned about this alarming person is that her marriage is awful, she likes to declare herself an excellent mother hourly, and she has a bar in every f*cking room of her home. So cheers, Kelly! Here’s to you actually being held accountable for choosing to go on television with such raging anger issues. And here’s to you choosing the single biggest idiot on Bravo as your life coach even though this show has been on for a decade and any research about your costars should have immediately yielded the conclusion that Vicki Gunvalson should be avoided at all costs. You have somehow managed to look even worse than she does, a feat I’d once thought impossible.
And now let’s talk about Mentally Unbalanced F*cking Heathen #2. I have to go quickly here because concentrating on Vicki Gunvalson for too long makes me consider getting into one of those fiery rocketships Elon Musk is toying with and setting off for a brand new civilization where nobody has ever so much as thought the words “whoo hoo.” But I have a job to do here and that means I have to say that Vicki has spent this season pretending to apologize for things she will still take zero responsibility for; spreading life-altering rumors; encouraging Kelly to stay with her verbally abusive husband so she never has to feel the pangs of loneliness; being heliported to a hospital where nobody wants to come visit her; potentially exaggerating her injuries to snag some extra sympathy; and starring in a commercial for a f*cking cancer charity. She also met a man who gave her a hickey on her t*t, announced to her beleaguered children that she causes none of the drama she constantly finds herself in, and is the single greatest reason why I am thrilled this season is almost over because looking at Vicki leads me to experience a rather interesting version of a Pavlovian response in that it makes me wish I’d been born an untrained pit bull so I could just go ahead and f*cking maul her.