ROUND FOUR: TAMRA & JESUS VS. KELLY
This interlude is all about Tamra growing into a relatively calmer person through the help of her scripture-quoting trainer. We also get some footage of her winning the fitness competition before we move into Andy asking her about the state of her relationship with her daughter. They communicate only through intermittent text message and her son moved back in with her and no longer speaks to his father. Still, with all of this family strife, Tamra genuinely seems to have found comfort in her religion and it’s all sort of nice to see. Of course, Kelly and her lip gloss would like to announce that she doesn’t think Tamra is a good Christian at all because she’s nice one day and then mean the next and everyone should know that Kelly is never the cause of the conflicts she constantly has with other women. Frankly, I’m stunned Kelly even thinks it’s okay to go after Tamra after spouting off some sh*t about Tamra’s relationship with her daughter, but then again, not a whole lot of what Kelly does or says makes sense in this brain of mine – and that means I will soon throw a party for my brain. You’re all invited as long as you show up with snacks.
Winner: Tamra & Jesus – and my brain
ROUND FIVE: MEGHAN VS. REPRODUCTIVE CHALLENGES
It’s time to explore the journey Meghan went on – alone – in order to get pregnant. The in vitro process appears painful and her husband comes across as perhaps the least empathetic person in the whole wide world, but this is the choice Meghan has made and she will stand up for the guy until the day she announces her divorce. Meghan doesn’t do a whole lot for me even though I continue to applaud her Nancy Drew act last year as she worked to expose Brooks as a giant fraud, but I am happy for her that she’s pregnant and I very much hope Jimmy’s extra sperm samples are never used as a modern art project for Heather Dubrow’s next mansion.
ROUND SIX: KELLY VS. THE VOICES IN HER HEAD
As we continue to wander down psychotic memory lane with Kelly, a few things are immediately obvious. The woman has never met a terrible joke she hasn’t liked and she’s never met more than four women she has been able to like. The problem has gotta be that everyone is jealous of her, right? After all, she is a television star in a crumbling marriage who has major rage issues, terrible taste in life coaches, and an incredibly tenuous grip on whatever she believes is reality. As her clip package ends, Andy comes right out and tells her she’s one of the most polarizing Housewives ever – and this is from a group that includes a woman being sued for announcing that another Housewife’s vagina stinks. Kelly, however, thinks she came across quite fine this season. Her one regret is that she wasn’t kinder to the verbally abusive husband she outed as having a personality disorder, but as far as anything she said to any of her castmates? She stands by all of it.
Winner: All those voices…
ROUND SEVEN: MRS. ROPER VS. A TOTAL ASSH*LE:
I will absolutely concede that Shannon’s friend – who came right out and mentioned in front of Kelly’s husband that the last time she saw Kelly was when Kelly was toting around another man – was wrong to have done that and probably only did it because she saw cameras and chose to make an incendiary comment in hopes of getting on the air. (It’s not rocket science, people.) But for Kelly to decide that Shannon planned the entire thing and then to react by calling Shannon ugly and chortling that it’s no wonder David cheated on her still makes very little sense to me. I could be wrong and maybe Shannon did try to set Kelly up for reasons that make not a bit of sense, but it’s sort of impossible for me to take Kelly’s side now about anything because she’s been so unceasingly nuts all season long. She’s lost any sort of goodwill she ever could have had in my mind. Ergo, the total assh*le can suck it.
Winner: Mrs. Roper
And with glares and under-the-breath mumbles that are still picked up by that magical thing called a microphone and more screams about adultery and Kelly repeating the word “Drama” like she’s officially been broken, Part One of The Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion skids to a stop. But do not despair! Next week we’ll get to watch as Shannon illustrates that she can still lactate and we’ll see Kelly inform Heather that she’s hideous because she heard that word the other day when someone screamed it at her as she walked down the beach and now she’d really like to use it in a sentence.
Nell Kalter teaches Film and Media at a school in New York. She is the author of the books THAT YEAR and STUDENT, both available on amazon.com in paperback and for your Kindle. Also be sure to check out her website at nellkalter.com. Her twitter is @nell_kalter.