The thought came to me while I scrolled through my Twitter feed and saw all of the unironic cry-face emojis reacting to Theresa Giudice’s reunion with her square-shaped husband after spending some time in jail: I’d make a really terrible Real Housewife.

To be fair, I did not watch Theresa’s triumphant return home because I’ve sworn off the Jersey ladies in much the same way I’ve also sworn off carbs. As I see it, the only real difference between the two – both of which are terrible for you and leave you feeling sluggish – is that I still crave one of those things desperately, though I can promise and swear that the thing I miss did not create an offspring I’m fairly certain is from another species entirely. What I’m trying to say (besides that I think little Milania will one day help to usher in the apocalypse) is that my reaction to hearing about this woman coming home was different than I think it was supposed to be. I did not cheer her … Continue reading →

A procession of D-List talent will invade our television screens tonight, but unfortunately I won’t see it because I’m not able to tune in to the Republican National Convention. While I’m devastated that I will miss the prime time speaking slot awarded to Scott Baio – who is, very sadly and very apparently, the very best the party can offer – I’ve made my peace with the fact that I will instead watch something really important, like The Real Housewives of Orange County. (Who else wants to bet that Vicki will totally vote for Donald Trump?) Of course, watching the OC Housewives is similar to watching the RNC anyway; there is an air of conspicuous consumption that almost seems palpable and white people as far as the eye can see. I do feel a little sad that I will miss hearing the pearls of wisdom spoken by one of the stars of Duck Dynasty, but that sadness can be assuaged somewhat by realizing that this episode could very well begin with Shannon cold-clocking Vicki across … Continue reading →

Here are some places I’d rather be than inside of a car with Vicki Gunvalson on a long road trip:

• A hot yoga class that I’ve run to in order to get a brief respite from the brutality of a humidity-drenched heat wave in late August, one that caused a cataclysmic weather crisis that simultaneously led all air conditioners in the region to explode at the very same moment that Duane Reade and CVS ran out of every form of deodorant including carpet deodorizer.

• Sitting in Biology class on my first day of 8th grade when my hair was newly lobbed into some hideous asymmetrical style, all the better to show off my frosted pink 44 lip-gloss. It hurt just looking at myself in the mirror.

• Standing on line in Nordstrom when I’m in a massive hurry while the person in front of me returns a dress so awful that, not only should she never have purchased the item in the first place, but some designer should have thimbles rammed into his … Continue reading →