REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 3/21/12

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends! I’ve heard from a lot of people that they really enjoy the Housewives News Roundup I’ve been doing at the start of each column, and we’ve got a lot of dirt this week so let’s just hop to it, shall we? Why don’t we move from east to west, like the sun:

* A few days ago Melissa Gorga tweeted that RHONJ will premiere in April, which isn’t much of a surprise as I think RHOA is winding up this month and we do go right from one to the next. Melissa swiftly deleted her tweet because Mr. Andy likes to hold the news until he’s good and ready to make these announcements himself, but I think you can plan on it.

* I would suppose this means we can expect RHONY to launch at the start of June, just as RHOC winds up.

* Former Housewife, stripper, and alleged felon Danielle Staub is now taking calls on what may be a phone sex line called Dial-A-Star for $18 a minute, and apparently there are quite a lot of people phoning her up! Other available “stars” include the Octomom, Angelina from Jersey Shore, and an assortment of Lohans, all at a $10 rate.

* Down the Atlantic coast, Kim Zolciak is knocked up again! I still suspect she’s a man over 40 despite this development.

* Also in Atlanta, a convicted felon named Angela Stanton is publishing a tell-all in which she claims that Phaedra Parks was actually the mastermind behind the car theft ring which sent Ms. Stanton and Mr. Phaedra, Apollo, to prison. Everyone knows that the only thing worse than giving birth in prison shackled to a bed is watching your unindicted co-conspirator make a spectacle of her fabulous life on cable television.

* From the vast unrepresented midsection of our fine nation comes gossip that a Real Housewives of Dallas may be coming our way! Lots of accompanying denials as well. Certainly Dallas does not lack for fodder and attention whores; however, many Housewives series have started off as other concepts/titles (RHONY was originally to be “Manhattan Moms”, per Bethenny; Miami was supposed to be a relaunch of “Miami Social Club”) and some, such as the rumored Real Housewives of Scottsdale, have yet to develop into more than a pilot one year later. (From what I hear from connected friends in Phoenix, the ladies who were being filmed for RHOS are not the same ones that ended up on Baseball Wives.) So we’ll have to see what happens with this. Mr. Andy continues to deny, but contracts are supposedly signed with filming to start in August, a truly lovely time of year in Texas. I wonder if Bravo will get another cash bonus from the state tourism board as they did for Top Chef?

* Arriving on the west coast, up in Beverly Hills Kyle is apparently opening some sort of retail establishment down the street from Lisa’s Villa Blanca. An outpost of sister Kathy Hilton’s thrift shop perhaps?

* Sad to report that Dana has called off her engagement, saying that she and John Flynn have become more like friends than lovahs. Having seen photos and heard tell of this odd gentleman I cannot claim surprise. I am still hoping Dana makes it onto season 3 – comedic relief can be a useful plot element, Mr. Andy!

* Taylor’s married attorney has also called off their relationship. I suspect the indignities of clanking boots with Tay and getting kicked in the shin, Veruca Salt-like, by Lil’ Kennedy took their toll.

* Speaking of Lil’ Kennedy, Tay tweeted last night that she’d lost her first tooth! Wondering if she got a Rolex, or maybe a house.

* Next season we’re supposedly getting Marisa Zanuck as our new BH Housewife! Marisa’s husband is the spawn of a line of legendary filmmakers, and she herself works as a realtor with Rick Hilton, brother-in-law of Kyle Richards, and employer to Rumbly Mauricio (unless he has gone off on his own since mulling it over on camera in Hawaii).

* Down the Pacific coast, Vic supposedly turned 50 this past weekend! I still say if she’s a day younger than 55 I’m a honey badger. Didn’t she claim to be 47 when she was hassling Tammy Faye over her possible Ramonaception at their Timree paint date?

* And FINALLY: rumors got started somewhere, oh I can’t imagine where, that Tamra and Eddie Estrada’s engagement is fake. Said rumormonger, whose name might or might not start with a G or an S, claims that Gretch and the Magical Penis were offered money by Bravo to buy an engagement ring and take a fabulous trip to Italy in order to get theatrically betrothed on camera. The Magical Penis supposedly felt such a special moment really needed to be private and declined, so Bravo moved on to Eduardo who said but of course! Tamra is very upset about this and refused to be on CNN with Gretchen last night because of it. What in hell were they supposed to be on CNN for? Analyzing the Illinois primary results?