REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 3/21/12

Enough of all that, tonight medical miracles are happening in the OC so we need to get on with it. And speaking of, here come the Tamrassets, accompanied by their current owner, Tammy Faye Barney! Tamra is wearing a relatively demure coral blouse and a pair of Not Your Daughter’s Jeans, bootcut in white. She’s here at the offices of Dr. Milind Ambe to talk about parting ways with her most notable features. A nurse wearing her Gretchen Christine Beaute wig from Halloween escorts Miz Tammy down the hall to meet Dr. Ambe. His offices look a far sight more upscale than those of Alexass’ fix-it man, and his lilac tie complements the clubby decor.

So what does bring Tamra here? She’s done with this clunkers. They are heavy, they are hard to fit in clothes, and make it difficult to work out. In the OC, Tammy tells us, big boobs = power, and she’s ready to find power in her MIND. What is she going to do, stat levitating objects? Set fire to things without even being present? Don’t answer that. Tammy wanted to get this funbags out before but Simon (who is always to blame for everything) liked his knockers big, so that settled that. No mosquito bites for Simon, because, you know, it’s all or nothing.

Dr. Ambe thinks Tammy is a great candidate for an “explant” and our Tammy has experienced a delayed puberty and the boobs have in fact grown since she got the waterbeds put in. (Maybe Simon was basing his reluctance on the way the girls really were pre-op, can’t blame him for that.) This will be Tamra’s third set of boobs, which will go nicely with her third husband. “Third time’s a charm!” she crows. Let’s hope. Dr. Ambe declines to graft the leftover boob skin over her “WINO FOREVER” ring finger tattoo. Oh well.

Across the railroad tracks and behind the Circle K, the camera lingers on a series of highly unflattering photographs of Alexass’ nose, shots that appear to have been taken while she was peering into the wrong side of a peephole. You can only see out, Assy! Lex is under the knife and forgot her Nipple Nibbler which makes her OC ghetto lavender lipliner look all the more unnatural. So how bad are Assy’s breathing problems after all? Well, El Doctor can’t shove a q-tip up the left side, so that’s a bad sign. Wait: what’s this? Well would you look at that! There’s a big red gummy worm stuffed up Assy’s nose! How did that get there?

Candy and snacks cleared, cosmetic adjustments made, and cement injected into her buttocks, Assy’s wheeled into recovery and a pair of blue gloves full of ice draped over the bridge, Gallagheresque. Putting standard supplies to alternative use is a great way to save on office expenses. Are you in there, Assy? She groans. Jumbo’s come to take you home! She groans louder. That would be the last thing I’d want to hear, too. Jumbo and the nurse strap Assy to the dolly and away they go.

Outside the hospital, because obviously cameras weren’t cleared for interior shots, Vic meets up with Mike and reports that the smoke monster totally leapt out and bit Brianna’s surgeon. It seems she had numerous nodules and the worst, weirdest-color thyroid the doctor had ever seen. Is it cancer? We must wait for pathology but it does not look good.

Seaside at the Palais Dubrow, Heather’s making dinner. Meaning, she is opening containers and moving food onto plates. Tonight’s menu features artichokes (which don’t take out well, just saying. A little lemon juice in the steaming water would have really helped avoid that unpalatable khaki color), roasted chicken, and sparking cider. Is it Passover? Tres kosher. Heather, an “actress on a radical sabbatical”, is really a major east-coast foodie (we could tell!) and is planning to open a high-end dining establishment in Lido Village with a few equally inexperienced foodie friends who don’t personally eat. Terry don’t care! He figures it will cost about $650K, $1MM to start, so they’ll get some investors and if it fails after a year? Whatever! I think Dr. Dubrow would do very well on Celebrity Apprentice because he has embraced that Trump Philosophy. Nicky (the sole boy child) asks for dessert and the answer is NO. Have to keep that figure, Nicky!

Elsewhere, Gretch has arrived for pussy training, as she’s now the new featured act with “world renowned musical group” the Pussycat Dolls. What is wrong with Robin Antin’s face? Her lips are all stretched out and her nose is smashed in. She looks like Jocelyn Wildenstein. Following in the legendary footsteps of Pink, Fergie, and Christina Aguilera, Gretch is going to make her Pussy debut and show the world what she’s got. Unfortunately, though, her singing voice is all messed up from yelling at Vic so we’re going to have to wait to check out her chops. The Magical Penis and Gretch, in a sparkly “Team Slade!” shirt, take their seats to watch the Cats prance around in their underwear and magician coats, whips a-flicking. It’s like the soft porn Gestapo. Gretch is going to fit right in.