Back outside the hospital like a smoker, Vic makes a call to Tamra, who is letting the Tamrassets make the most of their last days on land by giving them a rest in a pair of large peach hammocks. The updated report is that Brianna had a tumor on her vocal chords and that Vic is going to sleep there. She’s preparing for the worst, and so is Brianna. Ask for Valium, B! I promise they’ll give it to you.
T hangs up with Vic to take a call from Heather, who is inviting Tamra and Vic to ride to LA with her in a private helicopter! The plan is to shoot up for lunch, get some restaurant advice, and then send the shameless hussies back to the OC via land-based transport while Heather and her real homies connect with their men, have dinner, and laugh about Tamra and Vic’s outfits. Are they in? For sure! Who wouldn’t accept an invitation to enter Heather’s fancypants world? Not me! And not T & V. Fo sho, hos.
Which makes it all the more important that Vic get Brianna discharged and installed back home, pronto. Brianna lurches into the house and navigates the jungle of flower arrangements to collapse facefirst onto her bed. Vic reallyreallyreally wishes Brianna would come home but if she wants to be in her own house all the better because then Vic can go change in time to meet the chopper. Chop chop lollipop! What do you need? What do you need? Water? Phone for emergencies? Pair of astronaut diapers so you don’t have to get up? Here it is, take it. Vic piles it all on the bed, blows B a kiss, and she’s off like a prom dress. Brianna says her mom is loving, but you have to tell her to get out. Or you have to get her invited on a private helicopter and then you are on your own, sweet cheeks.
Our other current patient, Assy, is still in her pink velour sweatsuit but now zipped tightly into an arrangement of navy bedding inside a navy painted dungeon bedroom with a bag of peas on her eyes. Let me give you all a bit of advice: peas may make a very functional ice pack, but they get stinky really fast. Change those peas out regularly! Nurse Nicole, is on hand to help Jumbo, who is hand feeding Assy soup he made himself! Homemade! He opened the can and stuck it in the microwave all by himself! You can’t fool me, I’d recognize that chunk of carrot and limp noodle anywhere. Assy doesn’t have more appetite then that – before Nurse Nicole can tell her she’s getting sleepy, she’s snoring again. Perhaps our “breathing problems” are yet unresolved. At least she’s got a fresh coat of Nipple Nibbler on.
With Brianna dumped off Vic’s doing much better, and away the ladies go to lunch at Porto Via (Door Way?) in the BH9 territory of LA. Heather, who has made a rare fashion misstep with a tiered pleather miniskirt, is so glad Vic’s able to come because she’s a “great businessperson”. The gals land and greet Heather’s very best friends, Jackie and Jaye, and no need to lei the ladies because Vic wore her own, thanks. So what’s the plan? Well, there are six female investors in a “normal relationship” and they plan to go down this road with no written agreement. Sounds like what Donn’s got in mind for his post-Vic lifestyle.
The women are greeted at the Door Way by Peter Garland, proprietor and manscaped gentleman, ready with some standard advice. The ladies need to assign responsibilities. They need to set expectations. They need things in writing. (So far sounds like Big Love to me). You might hire a consultant or take them as a partner. (Whoa!) Vic thinks what they want is a clubhouse. Well, yes! Who doesn’t!
Further south, it’s time for Alexass, behatted and beshaded in black, to check in for her followup. She looks like Michael Jackson lurking about incognito as Nicole Richie channeling Johnny Cash. Assy is so mad at Gretch for not coming to visit her the very first day. She was busy getting Pussified, girl! Give G a break. What is with the OC mani? Does painting the ring finger different from the others flash a gang signal to the massively racked power women? El Doctor says she’s healing well, deceptive appearances notwithstanding, and Assy is hoping removing the bump will make her look better on the news. You know, I hear the Crystal Cathedral has a vacancy – maybe Assy and Jumbo should take it over and bring the world that kind of Good News each and every Sunday. Just phone in your contributions, it’s all for Jesus! PTL!
While Assy gets the new carburetor evaluated, Peter Garland is pouring his ladyloves Cristal. A champagne cork popping is one of the nicest sounds in the world, says Heather, and I agree. Her friends are so nice, say Vic and Tamra – who knew such things existed? Despite all the naysayers these gals really think bringing the OC something that doesn’t have a red-and-green awning is just what’s needed. Even with kids, running a restaurant is so much easier than acting, right? After piping up with “buy sell agreement!” for the eleventh time in four minutes, Vic’s phone rings and it’s Donn2, so she takes it. How rude! “Oh Donn2”, Vic croons, “I want a chopper too so we can commute our kids back and forth from California to Missisippi!” Yeah, that’ll work. The Boogie Nights theme plays as Donn whispers sweet southern nothings in Vic’s rabbit ear, filling up her lady love tank, if temporarily. Forget the yacht, she’s ruined for the helicopter.
If we can take a little 30 second commercial break-break here, remember earlier when Tamra was talking about how she wanted to learn to have power with her MIND? Well, I think she’s done it, because she went and set Gretch’s wig on fire! Plastic is melting, the dogs are passing out from toxic smoke. Gretch can’t understand how that happened but you and I know! I am now totally convinced she takes that thing off and puts it on a Barbie makeup head every night.
OK, back to BH. Heather shoves Vic and Tamra into the back of a limo and races back to her real friends. See ya, suckers! Toting you along got Bravo to pay for fuel! Vic and Tammy begin the process of Limo Sharing. Vic feels she was raised different from Gretch and the Magical Penis, because it’s all about them for them. Actually, I think Vic is Gretch’s mother. Vic is mad that Gretchen lumps her in with Slade. Actually, she lumped Donn2 in with Slade, and does not want to lump herself in with Vic thankyouverymuch. All this aside, Vic will not engage. This could be her last day on earth and she’s going to live it on Heather’s friend’s helicopter, rather than with her daughter who may be dying of cancer.
For Tamra’s part, she’s scheduled to sign her divorce papers on her mother’s birthday. Hey, that could be a great gift! It’s hard to walk away after 15 years, but she’s gonna do it, and she’s gonna leave Simon the fun bags in the settlement.
Next time: A Masked Assy is going call that hussy Tammy Sue and b*tch her out! The ladies do a muddy boot camp race, Tammy Sue signs over the Tamrassets, and Brianna finally gets the pathology results. Doesn’t it take like five minutes on Grey’s Anatomy? God, these reality shows are so contrived. Until then.
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
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Thank you, Elizabeth, for your recap.
I love the RH round-up with your spin on it. Very funny!!
Still very bored w/ RHOC and the entire cast. Really skim quickly through your recap on this show. Thanks for doing the dirty work of having to watch it.
Wait: what’s this? Well would you look at that! There’s a big red gummy worm stuffed up Assy’s nose! How did that get there?
Your recaps make watching Housewives worthwhile. HELP! PLEASE STOP! You are too funny!!
Thank you for your hilarious recaps! I laugh out loud several times while reading. I agree, your recaps do make watching RHOC show even more fun. Keep it coming!
Too funny!Love the show, and love the recaps!