REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 4/11/12

Time for the show! It’s midafternoon in the OC, and Heather’s slicing up peppers and cracking open a bottle of what looks like Charles Shaw, aka Two Buck Chuck. It can’t possibly be, but that’s what it looks like. Here comes Tamra, knocking the knocker, and knocking it hard. Heather loves Tamra because while they often share the same sentiment, Tamra expresses herself unfiltered. Like the Camels my uncle so loves.

After an afternoon tipple, Heather shares her new idea for a great social gathering where the “whole gang” can let off some steam: a “couples and champs bowling party!” How alliterative! It can’t be boobs, bubbly, n’ bowling, because Tamra will be recuperating from the Tamrasset removal and has to miss it. No Tamra sounds like a bagel minus the cream cheese to me: no Tamra = no fun. And Heather plans to put Vic and Gretch on different lanes, so it sounds like it will all be rather tame to me. Famous last words.

Speaking of Vic, what does Tamra think of Donn2? Heather thought he seemed charming at the painting party. Tamra, for her part, is worried, because Donn2 is just too charming – he always says the right thing, and that’s what’s wrong. The equation is this, says Tamra: successful businesswoman + lots of assets + loveless marriage = sitting duck for an opportunist. Tamra has not shared her concerns with Vic, because you can’t tell her anything anyway – she doesn’t want to hear it and will blow up. “Questioning someone’s man never ends up well for friendship,” decrees Heather. Wise words. Wise words indeed.

Speaking of Vic and her opportunist tankfiller, they are lunching at Canaletto! A rare break from her incredibly busy business schedule for Vic, but it’s just so lucky that Donn2 can do some of his really important business in California so long as he has a cell phone and a laptop. What do you suppose Donn2 does for a living? I took to Google and found a long article on Sip With Socialites detailing his entire marital and extramarital history, which has an ex-girlfriend asserting that she was present at a financial planners conference at which she witnessed a very familiar Donn2 and Vicki interacting intimately, long before Vic filed for divorce from Donn1. The same anecdote was recounted on RadarOnline last summer, and Vic has acknowledged having known Donn2 since about 2007. So he’s either in insurance or some sort of financial planner. I’m sure he’s landing all sorts of new clients now that he’s famous.

So anyway, what’s this in Vic’s purse? It’s a card, from Donn2! Slipped in while he was slipping off with her wallet. Donn2 doesn’t know where they are going or what they are doing (wow, me either!), but he’s more committed than ever, through the good and the bad. Well, from what I’ve been reading about his commitment history the bar isn’t set too high.

Enough of that, let’s get down to business. Donn2 wants to know what sort of assets Vic hopes to end up with after the divorce. That was forward! But Vic loves talking about how successful and wealthy she is, so let’s start ticking things off. Donn1 is going to get the river house, the boat, the jet skis, and all the furniture. Wow, says Donn2. Donn2 obviously hasn’t seen the river house or its furnishings. They are going to have to sell that craphouse Jeana’s gay trashed when he was squatting, and can you believe it has lost $1MM in value? I can, since it was ridiculously overpriced at purchase. Vic wants to keep her own “big house”, but will sell it if there is a worthy offer. No fire sale there. She keeps Puerto Vallarta – the whole town? – and they each get their own retirement accounts. And that’s about it! But Donn2 should know all this, because Vic has given him access to her phone, email, and Facebook. Zynga must be making bank off her Farmville activity. Donn2 feels so in love. “I love us,” he says, “but us is not us without u in it.” Vic doesn’t get it. I do, and think she should run, quick.

Back to Heather’s home office, paneled in luxurious Honduran mahogany, where she’s making calls about her B*tch n’ Bowl party next week. Vic’s says “uh, okay”, with her usual enthusiasm for any idea that isn’t her own. Alexass is a no because of her nose – she can’t bend over for four more days. Offered without comment. When Heather calls Gretch she gets a message telling the caller to phone Gretch’s b*tch, the Magical Penis. “How emasculating,” declares Heather. Indeed.

Assy, for her part, is at work, in the bathroom at Fox 5 getting her new nose touched up and attired in a very professional indigo satin ruffled halter blouse with hooker-tight pencil skirt. That’s just not good for the circulation. Assy is preparing to interview a panel of professionals about Sex, Pop Culture, and Kids. She’s got both sides of her brain going – the mom side, and the business side – and is advised not to point. After screwing up the names of the three “top members” of her panel, Assy immediately starts stumbling over her words. But she’s a professional and took a whole class on journalism in college, so her camera comfort returns and she proceeds to completely monopolize the entire discussion. Now everyone knows about Lil’ Jumbo’s schedule for getting a cell phone of his own, and no one knows what Dr. Adria Levack thinks about any of this. But no matter. Assy is doing an incredible job of balancing everything – just ask her! – and dreams of having her own show. The pregnant producer whose baby name she mangles probably won’t be joining the crew.