REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 4/11/12

Where’s Gretch been? On the road again, this time being driven to LA by the Magical Penis to see a vocal coach. Gretch’s voice is still recovering from the tongue-lashing she gave Vic at El Adobe, and MPM has been trying to keep her from talking but that’s like asking a dog not to bark. They do make very expensive collars for that. Anyway, the vocal coach asks Gretch to run through some scales, which all sound the same and flat at that. MPM blames “all that talking”. I don’t think the talking is the problem here.

Enough of that, it’s time to get Tammy Faye’s boob bags out! And wouldn’t you know it, she arrives for her plastic surgery (or surgery reversal, as perhaps it were) in the very same velour short-sleeve sweatsuit Assy wore to hers! But hers the color of a band-aid. Eddie’s even wearing his very own black tee and trucker hat, minus the Jumbo swagger. Eddie can’t believe she’s not coming out with any “extra cc’s” at all in her tits. Don’t call them “tits”, says Tamra, they are “titties”. Either way makes my skin crawl. But it’s not up to Eddie; Tammy kept those fun bags in far longer than she wanted because she had no control over her decisions when she was with Simon, but she’s a big girl now and doesn’t need big boobies. So out they will come, all 600 cc’s of them which amounts to four pounds. Four pounds of boobs! That’s half a human head! She’s a little nervous, wondering if it’s easy to say you don’t want big boobs when you have them. I think I am going to put that phrase to work as an alternative to “the grass is always greener”. Alas, no need for worry, because the good doctor is finding plenty of tissue stuffing that bra anyway, and she will do well.

And that leaves only Assy with obnoxious haboobs in this circle, so let’s check in on the Bellini who are heading out to “A’s” for date night. Jumbo takes Assy’s jacket in a chivalrous fashion, then tosses it offscreen onto the neighboring table when her back is turned. That’s the first sign to me that Jumbo’s been drinking in the afternoon while Assy was at the office. In fact, he’s so tipsy he just moos, which is Assy’s signal to order him a filet. Jumbo is pleased. They’ve “ground it out” in this economy (keep it to yourself, please!) and Assy’s been pitching in, which is nice. Assy loves it – she’s doing what she’s always wanted. But Jumbo is torn, because this new state of affairs really changes the terms of their agreement. Assy snorts – she can still do that with her new nose – and says Jumbo is making it sound like they have a “contract on the marriage”. Jumbo is aghast, and I am a little too because marriage IS a contract, and if she doesn’t know she signed one we get into all sorts of issues of fraud, lack of mutuality, etc. But forget the legalities – these Bellini aren’t just under contract to each other. They are OF ONE FLESH, says Jumbo. Assy is not just his wife, she’s his appendage!

Jumbo is worried that Assy has too much going on, between the three sample dresses she’s got and her big investigative reporting career which the production staff of Fox 5 clearly takes even more seriously than she does. Assy thinks the problem with the dress line, other than the fact that it shares a name with a porn star, is that the samples are later and later all the time. Jumbo thinks the problem is that they weren’t ready for the business commitment at the time, which is probably true. He’s not stupid. Now, though, he thinks they are at a crossroads and Assy needs to “choose what will work”. And before she can open her permanently-lined lips, he makes the choice for her: she’s just going to have to walk away from Fox 5. Yeah, cause the dress line is a much more viable business venture.

Assy is clearly shocked, and heartbroken. It’s her passion, and she’s making substantial money at it (which raises eyebrows among the viewers of Fox 5 San Diego). “You have trouble saying no, and to raise my children you have to say no to some things,” pronounces Jumbo. WHOA. When did Rush Limbaugh get here? Assy is upset, as well she should be. Jumbo wants her home in an apron, but she doesn’t want to be a stay at home mom anymore. She’s discovered that there’s life out there, and she wants it! “We need to pray,” decrees Jumbo. Assy better.

It’s dark now, both at A’s and at the plastic surgery center where Tammy has parted ways with the Assets. She’s not sure she has any boobs left, so her first urge is to call the biggest boob she knows, Vic. Vic’s busy so she can’t talk, but is glad Tammy’s okay and hangs up. Just then who shows up? Gretch! That was nice! Gretch tells Tammy she looks so pretty right now with her lipgloss on, and she does – that was extra nice! Gretch has a gift to welcome Tamra to the Itty Bitty Titty Committee: a glass penis full of tequila. What a great repurposed hostess gift.