With Tamra settled, it’s time to BOWL! Are you ready? Let’s do it! Break it down! That random chick Sarah from the crustaceans-in-a-garbage-bag party arrives in a Flashdance shirt with her fiancé, Kurt, who does not speak English. Gretchen invited them, ‘nuff said. Gretch rolls in costumed as Mary Anne from ‘Gilligan’s Island’. Vic and Donn2 roll in to bowl big. Donn2 is wearing a shirt that’s 20 years too trendy for him, while Vic is playing ‘fat lady in little coat’ with an inadequately supportive sequined tank and electric blue skinny jeans that she is too old and too not skinny to pull off. Vic must think her bowling prowess will distract from the big blue pair of marbles that is her ass, but she is mistaken, and sadly. Slade is very nice to Vic and I am pleased to see it.
Vic and Donn2 win round one and with that it’s time for a drinky drink and a chat. Now that things have settled down, Vic realizes she overreacted at Bunco and should have taken Gretch aside for a private, adult conversation. For her part, Gretch doesn’t want it to revisit the issue because she doesn’t want to strain her voice, but Sarah is pushing her, because if there isn’t a sh*tload of drama at this bowling party there won’t be any screen time for her. Gretch digs in her heels, so Sarah picks her drunk ass up and parks it over next to Vic. Here comes!
Vic’s having a nice conversation with the other adults, the Dubrows, about how she and Donn2 are living life as if there is no tomorrow, when this skanky hammered chick she thinks she’s seen once before, maybe on Celebrity Rehab, you know the season with Amy Fisher? plops down next to her, leans into her face, and shouts “I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.” So how does Vic respond? “What do you want?” Oh dear.
Sarah proceeds to chase Vic all over the bowling alley, demanding that she come here and talk to her right now. This is how I deal with seven-year-olds who have tricked their little brothers into peeing in socks. Vic frantically searches for an empty broom closet or other suitable hiding place. “Who do you think you are?” Sarah shouts. “Who says that to me? Why is she being rude to me? Is she crazy?” Today, nope. It’s called self-preservation, Ms. Winchester.
Heather, who always tries to defuse these situations, attempts to explain to Sarah that the way she approached Vic sounded confrontational. “I just wanted to meeeeeet her!” cries Sarah. Well, that sounds stalkery, so not better. “She obviously thought you were going to attack her,” says an unusually reasonable Gretchen, who seems to be preparing to vacate the premises. “She’s a bully!” argues Sarah. She then takes to heckling Vic like this is the red carpet at a Night of a Million Reality Stars: “Why are you being rude? You are so mean!” Terry proposes they take the medical approach and get out the four-point harness: lock her down and dose her with Thorazine. They might have to!
On and on the hamster wheel turns. Vic appreciates that Gretch came to her defense. Heather would have gotten a restraining order five minutes ago and been fifty miles away by now. Sarah approaches Vic – again – and pleads, “I just want to get to know you. I am from Northern California – I am not used to this catty attitude.” Vic ignores the slight in there and just says, “How about another night? We’re leaving.” “You’re being mean!” howls Sarah. “Are you going to blame it on the cocktails?” “YES!” shouts Dr. Terry. Damn, I love Dr. Terry. He gets it right every single time.
With that it’s really time for everyone to roll out. Heather, the consummate hostess, tries to salvage things with Wild Eyed Crazy Sarah by bidding her farewell. “I really enjoyed speaking to you, Sarah, it was a lot of fun.” Sarah turns her back and shrugs “sure” in a totally snarky tone of voice. Girl, you better hope everyone is blaming this shittake on the cocktails. “I don’t want to be a sacrificial lamb to ‘your group’” she sneers at Heather. “It’s not ‘her group’,” says Slade. “She met everyone when you did. Bye.” And he’s gone, Gretch in tow. Wow, I like Slade tonight, too. When did those two become so sober and level-headed?
The Dubrows collapse to break down the night. They are both pleased that Vic and Donn2 got along so nicely with Gretch and the Magical Penis. Heather thinks Alexass and Sarah are destined to be BFFs, because Assy is dumb and Sarah is crazy. “Seriously?” says Dr. Terry. ”Where did she park her spaceship?” “It’s BOWLING, people!” says Heather. Just another night in the OC.
Next time: Vic thinks Tamra has made a big mistake parting with the Assets. Too late now, so why don’t you keep it to yourself, Vic? Gretch has to go live with the Pussies and isn’t ready. The girls go glamping, and Vic gets eaten by a bear. Karma, baby. If only we could be so lucky. Till then!
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
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Great recap as usual, Elizabeth! LOVE your sense of humor and style of writing.
Spotted this little tidbit on BuddyTV: “After spending time in the hospital getting her nose job sinus operation, Alexis Bellino of RHOC is heading to the set of General Hospital. Alexis is rumored to have a recurring role on the daytime soap opera.” Lord, help us all! She’s succeeding in spite of herself.