REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 5/30/12

Dawn breaks in the OC, where a sailboat dawdles in the deep blue sea and a surfer is doing leprechaun kicks on the beach. It’s a carefree existence in the OC. The Dubrows and the BarneyJudges are gathering at an ostentatiously neon eatery to catch up and flatter each other. Tammy Faye shares the basics of her totally unnecessary altercation with Assy of the previous episode, telling Heather that Assy accused her of being nice to her face and mean behind her back. Heather disagrees; she thinks Tammy is perfectly nasty right to Assy’s face. I’d have to agree, as I usually do with Heather.

Anyway, the real reason for this meeting is that Tamra needs to confess to Terry that she’d dragged him into the sordid mess by telling Assy he thinks she’s a big fat phony. Dr. Terry seems unfazed by this news, which may have something to do with the fact that he’s a pretty intelligent guy and realizes that if he said something unflattering about another Housewife on camera he can pretty well count on it getting repeated via broadcast to a worldwide audience. So no real harm done by this early reveal. “Comically, that’s very funny,” says Heather. But yes, there was a bus involved, as there usually is on this program. Heather thinks Tamra has to stop vocalizing every spare thought that wanders through her brain space. She also thinks it would be a great idea to have an intervention with Assy over her addictions to phoniness and bragging during their upcoming vacay in Costa Rica, Mexico. Oh, I can’t wait for this trip!

Meanwhile, our terribly naïve Assy and her hired sh*t-hauler/spackler are sorting through piles of the McNuggets’ dress-up clothes to decide what to take with on her two-day, two-bag tour of the rain forest, unawares of the developing conspiracy to ruin the whole thing for everyone. Now lest we all think these broads are leaving the country – the continent, really – for just two days, let’s clarify: the trip is for five days. Assy, though, can’t be away that long because she doesn’t have a full-time nanny. Girl, I don’t have a full-time nanny either. They are called BABYSITTERS, and while I wouldn’t hire this one who does your spackle, myself, she does seem to be available. Or what about Briana Gulvalson? Hell, she’s even a nurse! Now that you and Vic are such good friends I am sure she’d help you out in a pinch. OR: why go at all? I mean, who wants to go on vacation with people that don’t like you? Assy don’t care – she’s going to have fun because she likes herself, like Stuart Smalley. And with that crap she’s packing she’s gonna look good for the monkeys, too.

Heather and Gretch are packing with help, too. Why do all these people need help packing? When I leave the house I have to pack for 4.5 people (my husband collects his socks and his dopp kit, so that counts for about half a person’s packing effort) and no one helps me, hired or whored out or otherwise. Heather is confident this will be a great trip and it will be smooth sailing at home because Dr. Terry can handle it all just fine. She’s packing some Jimmy Choos, which will be useful. The Magical Penis is consulting Wikipedia and tells Gretch she needs to pack dirty old clothes, which she doesn’t have. So now she’s mad, and ill-prepared.

4 a.m. the next day: Assy’s first to the airport. When does that ever happen? And who are all these other people there pre-dawn? Good grief. Assy’s in a pink maxidress and a denim mini-jacket with a peace sign bedazzled on the back. Booby girl in little coat! Heather arrives in something far more practical and they have an awkward interaction. Next Gretch shows up in a banana suit and a fedora, because she is hoping to enchant a little monkey into coming home with her so they can have many adventures and get their own Bravo spinoff. Tamra has Dolly Parton hair this morning. This foursome has to fly to Miami – in Florida? – to meet Vic, and then fly from there to Costa Rica, which is perfectly ridiculous. And to make matters worse, they choose to fly to the airport in Costa Rica that’s a three-hour drive from their destination, versus the one fifteen minutes away. They all blame Vic for the travel arrangements, because even though she no doubt had nothing to do with it they have to be mad at someone. I’d pick her, too.

So at 10 p.m. these b*tches fiiiiinally roll up to the no-tell motel in the jungle. Mother of pearl! Did Bravo run out of budget after bankrolling the McNuggets’ puppy-and-princess party? This place is a Godforsaken third-world HoJos. After finding their shacks the gals meet up poolside for some meat on sticks, and they are all wearing fedoras like Agent P. But where’s our hostess? Vic’s on the phone, as per the usual these days, all inseparablelike. Gretch and Assy point out the hypocrisy in her behavior after enduring years of criticism from her for their codependent relationships. And this, my friends, is the last time Assy and Gretch will agree on anything. EVER. Assy tells the group that she’s leaving in two days because she has “three babies under 5 at home” and no nanny. Heather sees her three babies and no nanny, raises her a fourth, and throws in an ACTUAL infant! And her husband can handle it just fine! And be actually employed! Assy don’t care. She likes herself just the way she is, and wasn’t going to miss the two days of camera time she can get before Jumbo realizes she’s not around to make him a sammich.