REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 5/30/12

Finally, when there’s just one meat stick left, Vic rolls up, and she’s going all Colonel Kurtz now that they are in the jungle. “MY LOVE TANK IS FULL!” she shouts to the heavens and the snakes and the monkeys. “What the hell?” says Heather. “It means she’s getting laid,” Tammy Faye explains, helpfully. Vic is mortified that Tammy would speak of her lovemaking in such raunchy terms. “Really, Tamra,” she huffs, before howling “I have to go POTTY! I have a bladder infection! Get the ambulance!” all while clutching her crotch like Rosanne Barr singing the National Anthem. All the chaos makes Assy homesick. “I miss my baby,” she says, and I immediately picture Jumbo in a onesie. “Oh shut up,” shouts Vic. “My baby just got married!” she whines. “Oh my God just let it GO!” shouts Heather. And this is why we are friends. Why either one of us agreed to go on this godawful junket I have no idea.

After hiding from the roaches all night, it’s morning, and something is wrong with Vic’s face. Like, half of it fell or something. I hope she didn’t catch Bell’s Palsy in the jungle. The gals are fueling up on egg whites before facing the rain forest, and boy are they ready. Three of them are in camo: Gretch and Vic in brown, with Tamra in pink. Gretch has on a brown camo bandanna around her head, so she’s Rambette. Vic is wearing a brown camo trucker hat that says “FAITH” in sparkles. Tamra’s pink bandanna has a sparkly cross on it. She looks like Bret Michaels. What is with these bedazzled expressions of Godliness? Somehow I don’t think this pleases Him. Tamra asks if Assy is dressed as a zookeeper. No, she’s actually borrowing my Cub Scout den leader uniform. With crimped hair I look like Bindi Irwin. Zexy. Anyway, away we go on a ziplining excursion, and they all need to booze up from canteens in the transport vehicle, shrieking the official names of various reproductive organs and sexual activities, and generally driving the animals nuts. These ladies think they are HILARIOUS!

Finally they arrive at the ziplining site and are met by Go Diego Go, who braids Assy’s hair for safety. Tammy is sure Jumbo would not like this intimate hair contact one little bit. Diego attempts to give these boozy broads the safety talk and Vic talks right over him, predictably. Assy’s wearing a big-girl bra with a racerback tank, and I wish she had picked up some more appropriate underpinnings prior to travel. Tammy tells Vic her crack is hanging out. The only person who’s appropriately dressed is Heather, who’s wearing a hot-pink athletic top in one of those breathable wicking fabrics. Smart girl, my friend.

After talking all big in the leadup, Assy starts to panic about her new nose getting smashed by a branch or a rogue monkey. Diego humors her for a bit, then shoves her off the platform. Heather goes next; she was originally scared, but Assy’s ridiculousness beat it out of her. Tamra yells “Bring it on, b*tches” before careening through the treetops upside down, and nothing fell out. Ever so ladylike. When all the gals are reassembled on the Tarzan swing platform, somehow the conversation turns to Vic having been married at 20. I think it had something to do with her first husband, the one who she now claims was a drug addict, having a nice rump. Priorities, priorities. Tamra asks why she’s mad at Briana for getting married to a Marine at 25 when Vic herself married a jackass at 20. Vic says she was right and Briana was wrong because Vic didn’t know Ryan. Oh, that makes sense. Now all of a sudden Sybil is singing “Ring Around the Rosie” and “Here Comes the Bride”. I think she’s experiencing a psychotic break. Tamra thinks it’s because Vic is having sex and says she liked her better when she was a dried-up old loveless prune. Next thing we know these two broads are arguing about the word “penis”, Tamra accuses Vic of being a hypocrite because she said “anus” in the transport vehicle but can’t abide hearing a “p” stuck on the front, and BAM! That’s the last straw. “You aren’t my friend anymore!” shouts Vic. Could Tamra be so lucky?

After a long afternoon of rain and Vic annoying the crap out of the ziplining staff, the ladies dress for dinner and try to wrangle their wigs into something presentable. Assy is wearing what is no doubt Alexis Couture – red striped toilet paper that barely covers her snapping turtle. Gretch comes to collect her wearing a red tropical print maxidress that confirms that she does not, in fact, have implants. “Your room’s much cleaner than mine,” she observes. Hi-klass establishment they are in. Assy is feeling tension with Heather and needs to talk to her about “the white elephant” in the room. You know, the cat lamp.

Elsewhere at HoJos, Heather’s in Tammy’s room and they are making cracks about Assy’s lips being the size of Tammy’s chicken cutlets. Tammy’s wearing a red maxidress with a keyhole neckline – all the better to show off the resized Tamrassets – while Heather is wearing an eminently practical black t-shirt style dress that’s probably Comme Des Garcons but isn’t doing anything for her. But whatever, the monkeys don’t care. Tamra comments that Assy needs attention because she’s not getting it from somewhere else. Heather has a realization and asks if that’s why Assy dresses “like that”. Well, yes, Heather. Assy dresses “like that” because that’s how Jumbo likes it. Barefoot, slutty, and ready to make a sammich.

The gals regroup at a restaurant that’s called Of Course Seafood, which Heather finds funny but the others don’t get it and neither do I, because I don’t speak Spanish. I just found out that “chones” means “underwear” yesterday. Vic is late, and Tamra’s sure she’s mad at her for using the word “hypocrite”. You’re right, Vic, she is. Just to highlight that Vic is, in fact, a hypocrite, Vic proposes they all do shots. Didn’t she get all squeally about a claimed aversion to shots when she, Donn2, Tamra, and Eddie were all on the ill-fated ferry to Catalina? Something bites Tammy on the inner thigh and Sybil starts singing “this is the happy place” and asking for gummy bears. Gretch is keeping conspicuously quiet; Tamra thinks she’s “emotionally numb”, I think she’s just trying to stay out of trouble. Someone asks if the “men” are all going out together the next night (why would they do that? Don’t they have real friends they want to hang out with? It’s like Mario Singer playing pool with Simon Van Kempen) which is a natural opportunity to segue into The Phoniness Intervention.

Heather tells Assy she’s sorry that Assy heard that Dr. Terry thinks she’s a big fat phony the way she did. It would have been much better if she just saw it on TV like everyone else. Assy says she don’t care, because Terry doesn’t know her. Heather says that Terry is parroting what other people say, and that’s the real problem: the whole OC thinks she’s a big fat phony, and Assy should care about that. Tamra starts shouting at Assy that real people with money don’t need to talk about it! Assy denies that she does that, but before they met Heather saw it for herself at Nordstrom when she observed Jumbo prattling on and on to lil’ Jumbs about buying the most expensive pair of sneakers. The anecdote trails off – I think as soon as it was out of Heather’s mouth she realized that she had slid off message with this tidbit, even if relevant.

Assy is now crying, is totally confused, and has got nothing, which makes it a perfect time for Gretch to pile on and tell Assy that sometimes she comes off sounding pretentious, demeaning, and superior. Vic chimes in that sometimes she feels beneath Assy even though she probably has more money than she does. Vic, honey, money can’t buy you klass. Elegance is learned, my friends! See, Vic is a financial planner, so she wouldn’t buy a Bentley because it’s a depreciating asset. But not when Jumbo does it, Assy protests! See, he was in the car business, so he knows! Art too! Jumbo knows it ALL! “BE A REAL PERSON!” screams Tamra! “You need to stop being so mean and hateful!” sobs Assy. Well, she’s right about that much. Where is this anger coming from? Assy may be ridiculous and have more boobs than brain, but wouldn’t pity be the more obvious human response than unleashed fury? Jeezy peasy.

Next week: Assy feels all alone in this jungle. A thieving monkey tries to steal Gretch’s wig so she decides to take him home and keep him forever, or at least as long as the spinoff. The ladies go on a very dangerous white water rafting trip, Vic kills a tree, and she’d take Donn1 back if he’d come back. Adios, hippos!

Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
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