When we left them last week, the ladies were all ganging up on Assy, and nothing has changed in our absence. Assy tries to fight back by pointing out that Tammy Faye brought a Louis Vuitton handbag, but one handbag does not equal two obnoxious sneakers and a Rolls Royce Phantom, it would seem. So Assy regroups and takes another shot, feebly accusing Tammy Sue of being the person who told Dr. Terry Assy was a big fat phony in the first place. Heather’s having none of that, thankyouverymuch, so Gretch tries to settle things does by suggesting that in the future, if Assy is being an ass they should all just tell her. Oh, brilliant! Heather proposes that they all hug it out and start fresh, but “Lex” is having none of it and leaves, sobbing, into the jungle.
The rest of the ladies agree that they should be applauded for their honesty. They’ve done Assy such a service! Well, all but Vic – she wants to know why any of them have to change. They need to accept each other as they are. For once, I agree with Vic about something.
Gretchen goes to see Assy, who wants to be alone. “Don’t you see how hard this is on MEEEEEEEEEEEEE?” she wails. It’s just so painful to Gretch not to be let in. She returns to the table where the ladies continue to pat themselves on the back for confronting Assy about the ridiculous image she is presenting to “the community”. Gretch didn’t really want to say anything, she shares, but feels that she wouldn’t be a friend if she didn’t. Or in the alternative, she wouldn’t be a useful part of the RHOC cast, so there’s that, too.
Vic takes a turn trying to talk to Assy and brings down her cold lobster. Assy doesn’t want her in either, but Vic predictably breaks the door down and clutches Assy to her heaving bosom with two arms and one powerful thigh. Vic knows how Assy feels because of the time Tammy Sue, Gretch, and Assy ganged up on her in front of Briana in San Francisco a season or two ago about some contrived absurdity or another. She whispers to Assy that Assy’s beauty, voluptuousness, and complexion make Vic feel inferior, but she does her best with what she has. How this is meant to comfort Assy I don’t really know, but at this point she seems to have had enough All About Vicki and calms down just so she can be left alone. Gretchen is still mad.
In the morning, monkeys are scrambling and red-eyed tree frogs are burping when Heather comes to check on Assy. Assy’s all packed and ready to get the hell out of this sh*tshow and has decided she doesn’t care what these broads think because there’s nothing she can do to change their minds anyway, which is probably true. Heather explains that she just really wants to get to know the “sweet, cool girl” behind the bazooms, and that they all have stuff to work on. Maybe they can all take a class at t he Learning Annex?
So today Johan is taking them all on a field trip to visit a national park, and the car ride is far more docile than the drunken outing to go ziplining, that’s for sure. On the way Assy thanks Vic for coming to her room, and Gretch is now seething. Arriving at a private beach for a picnic – with champs! – Gretch and her side-braid wig take Assy aside to have it out and get some camera time.
Assy tells Gretch she was annoyed that Gretch made the whole thing all about herself, and Gretch doesn’t get it. At all. She feels she was just expressing to Assy how much the whole confrontation hurt her as Assy’s friend, and this should make Assy feel good that she’s so loved! Gretch helpfully advises Assy, again, that sometimes she is pretentious and over the top, and again, it hurts Gretch to say it more than it hurts Assy to hear it, and that’s why Assy should feel sorry for HER! Assy doesn’t understand why everyone is crapping on her for the same stuff Heather pulls off without comment. Gretch says her defensiveness is the exact reason it is different. Which may be a poor way of saying that Heather is who she is, whereas Assy is a big fat phony. Regardless, Assy demands FACTS. Facts? Like in the People’s Court? Gretch gives up, Johan comes to retrieve Assy and take her to the airport for her return trip to the Jumbomaginary Zone, and that’s the end of that uproar with nothing whatsoever resolved between Assy and Gretch. Tammy Faye is glad she is going away so there can be less instigated drama.