We begin at the dentist’s office, where Donn2 is getting some new chompers! This segment reveals two things: 1) Donn2 is missing a tooth! and 2) Vic has a rat living in the back of her hairpiece. Vic’s brought Donn2 in to bring his smile up to OC standards, and wants to know about whitening, alignment, lip reduction and augmentation, etc. I am totally mortified for both of them. Who is paying for this? Somehow I don’t think Donn2 has dental coverage, nor is bankrolling this scheme. Is Bravo? Is this somehow meant to be a British theme tying into the NBC coverage of the Summer Olympics? (note: later in the episode we see a pre- and post-work photo comparison and it appears Donn did HAVE all his teeth before this but had the one pulled because it was all out of wonk. Oh thank heavens, but I have to seriously question this guy’s pride right about now. Another point in the column of “will do anything for attention” no matter what Vic says.)
Moving on: Eddie is the one that Tammy Sue wants, and to show him that she’s wearing her best Shake Shack shiny leggings with a sequin mini from one of her S-kids’ dress-up box. I am starting to wonder whether Tammy Sue shares my Olivia Newton-John obsession. I personally have never been able to pull it off attire-wise. Anyhoo, they are off for a romantic date night after her long sojourn in the jungle with Col. Kurtz. Eddie asks how it went and Tammy tells him it was awkward because Heather wanted to have an intervention with Assy. Wha? Sort of yes, but the gleeful fuel to the fire was all you, Tammy Sue. Anyway, Tammy shares that she feels sorry for Assy but also can’t stand her, which is more to the point and not news to anyone. She also refers to her as both AlexAss and Jesus Barbie, which indicates she (a) reads RH blogs, and (b) watches Kathy Griffin. Probably has Google Alerts set up, too.
Anyway, after Tammy tells Eddie about the wonderful time they had ganging up on unsuspecting blonde dingbats and feeding the monkeys on the beach, Eddie springs a surprise on her: they are going to Bora Bora! Next week! And then he chews his bone-in and politically-incorrect Tomahawk steak with an expression of great satisfaction on his face. Hawt. Tammy Sue shouts to the whole restaurant – full of men only, looking for hookers – “I am going to Bora Bora!” Note the use of “I”.
A new day dawns and newsgirl Assy is at the La Costa Resort and Spa in La Jolla to film a segment on 2012 resort fashion for Fox5 San Diego. I should note that I am a Facebook fan of La Costa and earlier today they posted a link to Assy’s report which was sincerely flattering, and I’d say with good reason! Assy took her talent coach’s advice to get the hair out of the face and drive the bus, and her producer’s advice to guide the interview and not let it sag. And let it be said that our Assy put together a very polished segment! I’m proud of our big girl! Sort of want to give her a new nickname, too, but let’s see where things go and not get ahead of ourselves just yet.
What else is going on? Well, Heather has decided to hold a semi-traditional Jewish naming party for herself since she changed her name 12 or whatever years into her marriage. Will there be a bris? Egads I sincerely hope not. Anyway, she’s loping into a wedding cake store called Cinderella Cakes and my mother remarks that her legs look like Ichabod Crane. Indeed they do. Heather and the Cake Artist discuss concepts and they are a mile apart. Heather wants something classic, elegant, chic, but with a fun twist. The Cake Artist starts with a monogram idea and I am so all over it because if it will sit still long enough BAM I will stamp my initials on it. Except her idea is a logo-style mono (ick), on a Mad Hatter style lopsided cake with diamonds shooting off (ergh…). Heather is thinking square (my wedding cake was square! This is why we are friends.) with edible diamonds (erk…). The Cake Artist suggests a pearlized bow (meh.). Heather accepts. I feel she came in all in charge and is leaving having handed her ass, such as it is, to the Cake Artist. In case anyone ever wants to hold a Naming Party for me, let it be known that I too like a square cake, devil’s food, white chocolate frosting, raspberry filling, traditional-style script or classic circle monogram, grosgrain, madras, or Lilly print detailing. Please, and thank you!
Thousands of miles across the Pacific, Eddie and Tammy Sue have arrived in Bora Bora and been shown to their palatial overwater bungalow at the Four Seasons. Is this the Kardashian Suite? It looks familiar. After leaping into the water in a coconut shell bikini top and not losing half of a $250K pair of diamond studs, Tamra and Eddie dress in matching white ensembles and head to a private dinner on the beach. They toast with champs and Tamra asks whose life is this? Well, I’d say it’s mine, as I spent my honeymoon on Bora Bora and remember it just like this. The couple discusses how they love, inspire, and admire each other and blah blah blah – let’s get down to business, people! Where’s the ring? As Tammy says, is it in the meat? the drink? his pocket? her wig? “Gimme da ring!” she howls. Just then, Eddie throws in a wrench: despite Tammy’s proclamation that she won’t move in without an engagement, he is thinking that there’s no need to follow tradition and they should just merge households. Buzz is killed and Tammy is shooting fire from her eye sockets. Methinks someone is not getting any pinata tonight.
Thanks for taking time to write what everyone thinks, except your writing is way more clever and witty!
Thanks again for making this painful show worth watching!
I agree. Your recaps are fantastic. I wish you would consider jumping over and recapping the RHWNYC – I would love your take and humor on that trainwreck as well. Thanks for the time and effort.