Off at the Alley of the Armpit Dogs, Gretch was snooping around the Magical Penis’ cell and saw a text from the jeweler about an engagement ring he can’t afford anyway. Now come ON. What legitimate jeweler TEXTS? My kid’s orthodontist texts appointment reminders, but they are practically officed on a space station. The jewelers I know are holed up in small conference rooms behind triple layers of bulletproof doors and multi-lock barriers. They are not wired, they use carbon paper. Anyway, supposedly this high-tech jeweler was texting the MPM about a ring he can’t afford anyway, Gretch was snooping, she read it, and now she’s going to unload on HIM for his nerve. Gretch berates him for attempting to spring a surprise proposal without consulting her first – eyebrow – , and for generally being an asshat with financial problems he’ll never quite overcome. Slade makes a weak claim to working hard at his “job”, which is later revealed to be his burgeoning comedy jobette, and to putting in a lot of effort trying to assist Gretch in launching her own foolish D-list imaginary ventures. Gretch responds by essentially firing him as “pretend assistant” on the spot. I can’t help but feel sorry for this useless fool right about now. The essential issue is that Gretch wants to have babies and that’s creating a time crisis. All the Magical Penis was trying to do is pull a ring out of his hat and profess his love and commitment to her, whether or not a marriage actually results in the immediate future. So now the Magical Penis looks like a sadly unmagical wet sock and Gretch looks like a nasty old harpy. Where is wise old Jo De La Rosa in her French maid uniform when we need her? I just don’t understand how it came to this in the first place. Unless Gretch really is a drag queen and this relationship is all about appearances, which would make a lot more sense.
Back on Bora Bora, fish are swimming, the Polynesian ukelele is strumming, and there’s a rainbow. Romance is in the air, in other words, and Eddie and Tammy are going scuba diving. Eddie’s been twice so he is all in, but Tammy’s never done it and doesn’t really want to. Let me tell you something, lady: once you’ve had kids, scuba diving does not get better than it seems on dry land. We dove on our honeymoon and I will say for the record that there are few if any places to dive more exquisite than French Polynesia. However, once you have kids there is a stark terror of disaster lurking around every corner. What once was a cute sea turtle is now on bath salts and likely to bite your face off. Christ, I can barely ride a bike these days.
But you know what will assuage any mama’s adventure anxiety? A hot little Frenchie named Niki in a wetsuit. Niki has been with TopDive ten years which means he must have had the day off on my honeymoon. Sigh. Tammy is now really worked up because (a) Niki’s here and so is Eddie, still, and (b) she hates water and swimming because it makes her fake eyelashes and weave fall off. Aside: when I first moved to Arizona and asked some people where they got their hair done, they kept telling me about so-and-so who did their “weave”. I was totally mortified that these people were telling me about their fake hair, because I really felt that was something that should go unmentioned. Apparently “weave” is the term for “highlights” where I live. Took me an excessively long and unintentionally ombre time to sort that out. Anyway, Tamra basically snorkels with scuba gear on, announces she’s acquired her “water balls”, and the two decide to take home a pile of clams even though what Niki promised were oysters, and oysters hold pearls while clams contain clams and, well, nothing. Tammy’s got a really weird belly button – it’s like a coin slot. Cha-ching!
Back at Bungalow 416 or whatever it was, Eddie is cranking open clams when Tammy Sue emerges with her leopard coverup on. After powdering Eddie’s nose she makes a feeble attempt to invade a clam’s clenched claw with a very rusty-looking paring knife. Nothing’s in the first one, so Eddie hands her a far-less-weathered-looking clam-shaped box that she can open with her bare hands and – surprise! – there’s a ring inside! on a red velvet pillow! Wow, I wouldn’t have seen that coming if I didn’t get Us Weekly. It’s a lovely cushion-cut diamond surrounded by smaller diamonds and set on a very thin pave band. The two Agent P’s in matching straw fedoras smooch and weep before Tammy crows, “I got the ring, bitches!” Keepin’ it klassy.
Next time: Tammy shares her big news with Gretch but not Vic, while Donn2 buys Vic a ratty looking fur he got at a garage sale that she doesn’t need anyway because hello! it’s California! And it’s time for the season-end party! Heather’s naming cake doesn’t turn out quite as expected, Sarah breaks off the bow and eats it with a glass of chianti and some fava beans, and guess who’s here? It’s Jeana, for her annual season-end party appearance! Imagine that. Toodle-doo, kangaroos!
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
Website: www.thislittlemama.com
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Thanks for taking time to write what everyone thinks, except your writing is way more clever and witty!
Thanks again for making this painful show worth watching!
I agree. Your recaps are fantastic. I wish you would consider jumping over and recapping the RHWNYC – I would love your take and humor on that trainwreck as well. Thanks for the time and effort.