So let’s take the floo powder and get back to the party, shall we, where Shotgun Sarah’s STILL whining about how everyone’s being mean to her for wrecking the cake. In fact, she’s positively outraged: “They got mad at me because I took a piece of the bow!” Can you believe that? “They are picking on ME!” The injustice! Someone took her Ramona pill before heading out tonight… a friend of Heather’s asks her who does that, especially to a Cinderella Cake. “A hideous non-invited guest,” replies Heather. Assy has been burning up Twitter all day claiming Sarah was actually invited “just like Jeana”, which I take to mean she got onto the Bravo C-list, not to mean that Heather actually intended for this hot mess to drag her bony butt across her threshold.
Meanwhile, Dr. Terry admires Donn2’s new teeth while Vic calls Tammy Sue a “brownnoser”, again. I am starting to wonder whether Vic knows what a brownnoser is because I really don’t see how it applies. Just because Vic requires constant sycophancy doesn’t mean that’s the tenor of other people’s friendships, and it certainly doesn’t seem to be between Gretch and Tammy, I’ll say that. Gretch comes to collect Tammy for a private moment, in which she presents Tammy with her own love token: a black charm bracelet adorned with a locket that has a keyhole (to match the key Tammy gave Gretch), a purse (because they are both “fashionistas”), and a heart that reads “unbreakable”, because Tammy is. And of course so is the Magical Penis’ son Grayson, and isn’t it just so amazing that Gretch’s new song “Unbreakable” just came out this week, too? What a coincidence! The two share love and smooches and all sorts of BFF crap. Ick.
Back to Shotgun Sarah, who is now traipsing through the house with someone named Daylene or similar stripper moniker, marching right into the roped-off areas without any hesitation and charging into the kitchen to AGAIN confront Heather for having the nerve to “bring up the cake”! I mean, how could she? Sarah insists she apologized. Heather tells her the apology was BS that required excessive guidance, that she’s sick of dealing with this, and that it’s time for Shotgun Sarah to be gone. For mysterious reasons she asks that Terry, Gretch, Tamra, and Alexis all join her in the kitchen to assist her in removing the pest.
Assy comes in shrieking “I don’t understand, I don’t understand!” about six times. The Magical Penis, who is surprisingly useful in a crisis, tells her to stop being a mediator and get her friend, who she brought in the first place, out. Assy waves her hands in his face and despite her claims that she isn’t a bodyguard, I think she’d actually make an excellent one. She’s about twice the MPM’s size. But the MPM is not afraid, and tells Assy they don’t need to get the situation resolved, they just need to get Sarah OUT. Assy ditches the whole situation, as does Gretch, who has known Sarah for seven years but wants nothing to do with this sh*tshow. In the end, the MPM escorts Sarah and the stripper willing to claim her out the front door. “It’s bullshit!” Sarah wails. “Over a piece of cake? Is this the world we live in? Over a piece of tiny cake?” Yes, Sarah, it’s come to this. Children are starving, innocent civilians are being murdered in the streets of Syria, and rudeness is not being tolerated. The world hasn’t got time for the hein. Be gone, poof!
As Heather says, on that note, let’s drink! Fat Ryan, who is untucked, is all for it. Vic managed to miss the histrionics altogether and is wandering the party in her NEW FUR COAT, looking for Not Fat Marine Ryan in order to save Nurse Briana. Does anyone else think Vic looks like Granny Clampett in her NEW FUR COAT? Vic slips up behind Marine Ryan, coos in his ear how much she loves him and is so happy to have a third child now, and apologizes for having dragged him into her fight with Briana which was now “just the other night”. The timeline and editing is all a little confusing. Vic tells Ryan that she demands respect or Ryan will take her daughter away, which makes no sense at all. Ryan corrects her, telling her that if Vic makes Briana run away then it’s on her, not him. Vic continues to insist that she and Briana have always had an “amazing” relationship, which Ryan points out has not been all rosy since she took up with Donn2. Briana is willing to accept Donn2, he tells Vic, but she has the right to dig and drill and demand that he prove himself to her a bit. Vic says then she has the right to drill into Ryan, too, which he welcomes. Sounds like Ryan has it all sized up just about right, but he tells Vic he’ll try to help her sort things out with his wife, and best of luck to her. Vic seems confused. “I love you, I don’t really know you, this is flipping weird,” she tells him. So it is.
Speak of the devil, Donn2 is telling Assy how much he was hoping to see Jumbo, who is supposedly “taking a stand” and not coming, when Jumbo in fact lets himself in wearing a cheesy damask prom vest with something like multicolored skulls on the back and a white shirt and tie, no jacket. He sneaks up on Assy who is way, way too thrilled to see him. Heather puts on her best hostess smile and welcomes him with an appropriate level of gracious enthusiasm, while across the lawn Dr. Terry comments to Fat Ryan and the Magical Penis that Jumbo “grew a pair” and showed up. When Jumbo saunters over he tells Dr. Terry they will talk next week, until Assy informs them both that the situation is awkward and they should talk now. So they sit down and initiate an extremely uncomfortable conversation about exactly how phony Dr. Terry judged Assy to be. Heather sidles up to help explain it all away, but when Tammy Sue parks herself to Heather’s right Jumbo just jumps up and bolts without another word. Is Tammy Sue really that scary? “Where’s the ‘one flesh’ in that?” asks Heather. Assy scurries after him and flags him down as he is driving off in the big fancy Phantom or Yugo or whatever it is, hops in, and they’re gone. It should be noted that on Twitter tonight Heather said that Terry, Jumbo, and all the other menfolk had gone out to dinner while the ladies were in Costa Rica, Mexico for the Phontervention and had already talked this whole thing out, but Jumbo wanted to do it again on camera. Adios, Jumbellinos.
I think it is strange that you thought it was okay for Heather to join Terry and Jim’s conversation and for Tamara to come over to stir the pot was totally out of line. It was none of her business. You may not like Alexis and Jim, but the way these people have been treated is pretty disgusting. Heather and Terry’s true colors will come out. They are already pretty petty to talk so much smack about their guests. Plain tacky and no class.