The rest of the gang gathers ’round the booth in the wake of Jumbo’s hasty departure. Someone asks Gretch why she is friends with both Shotgun Sarah and Assy, and the Magical Penis responds that “we are insecure people, we need friends!” Hah, he’s actually a laugh a minute tonight. “I love you!” Vic shouts to Slade. “I love Alexis! Toast!” she howls. Tammy rolls her eyes. And THAT, my friends, is how the wheels come off.
Donn2 spots the eye rolling and is not. Gonna. Haveit, accusing Tammy of giving Vic the evil eye. Oh lawdy. Vic wants to talk about it later, but Gretch presses the subject because “something is brewing” and she well knows that the Evil Eye is fighting words when it comes to Tammy. “What’s your f$%^ing problem?” Tammy shouts, all ladylike. “Friends don’t treat friends that way,” mewls Vic. The Dubrows are hunkering down. Vic tells Eddie to get control of Tamra, and that’s when Tamra stands up and starts pointing in Donn2’s face. Someone is shouting at the other to admit it, the other says they just did, no you didn’t, then Tamra tells Vic to “RE-LAX, VICKI. Stop letting him tell you what to think!” Uh oh. Here comes Sybil.
Vic starts shrieking, and I mean head spinning, eyes bugging, hair standing on end, buck teeth like a donkey SHRIEKING. “Please bring Tamra back!” she shouts. “You are psycho!” She grabs Donn2 and her NEW FUR COAT and announces that they are OUT of here. Hee Haw.
Tamra can’t believe how Donn2 is shoveling shiitake down Vic’s throat and turning her against her friends, but nonetheless she goes after the lovebirds to talk Vic off the ledge. “What a hypocrite!” Vic screams, hypocritically. “It’s disgusting how you talk to me in front of people! Disrespectful! You don’t talk that way to me or him, ever! You are supposed to be my friend! Soulmate! Sister! Respect the man I love! You be quiet now! We’re out of here! You just cause problems!” Donn2 looks a bit like he cannot believe what he’s gotten himself into. He cannot want to lay pipe with this broad now. Vic looks like she wants to slug Tammy with her handbag like an old lady getting her purse snatched.
“Your boyfriend instigates fights and I am nuts?” Tammy Sue asks us in private. “F$%^ you.” I have to agree with Tammy on that one. Vic storms out the front door without shoes on and staggers down the walk to her ride, muttering all the way. Inside, Tammy tells Briana about the fight and the accusation that she gave Vic the Evil Eye. “You would never,” agrees Briana. Briana tells Tammy about her own fight with Vic, how Donn2 is ruining Vic’s relationship with her children, how Donn2 left his four kids to move to the OC and has no car, no job, no house. How can this be good indeed? Briana points out that Tammy and Briana’s concerns match up, which tells her that neither of them is unreasonable. #TeamBriana!
Out on the street, Vic wants to get Marine Ryan and Briana out of the party before Briana gets a chance to talk to Tamra and be poisoned. Heather comes out and tries to get them to come back in for her big season-wrap-up toast. Donn2 is reluctant to “bring his lady back into the line of fire”, but when Bravo summons… before they can come back in, Briana comes out to tell her mother that she basically thinks she is full of shiitake. Vic keeps saying “I love you, I love you, I love you”, which is always the safety zone for morally superior asshats. Briana tells her mother that she’s alienating herself; Vic shrugs and like in all season finales, nothing whatsoever gets resolved.
Back on the lawn, Heather pulls it all together and makes a toast to Brownies, old friends, new friends, and precious metal. The hide-a-diamond champagne comes out, the green-haired jeweler checks them all out, and wahoo! Tammy Sue gets the real one! What would have happened if a random had gotten it, I wonder. Wrapping things up: Heather is still working on the restaurant, Tammy’s getting married this fall and Vic’s not invited, Briana is 6 months pregnant, Slade is getting his vasectomy reversed, Gretch wants to get pregnant but not married, Vic and Donn2 are still together after a few bumps, Assy is not with Fox5 anymore, and the Bellinos are opening a trampoline park. Vic thinks everyone should just want to be loved and see their friends in good relationships. Yes, Vic, and you’re not. The End.
Coming up in the reunion: Heather accuses Assy of being vile to the crew, Tammy calls Assy “Jesus Jugs”, and a wee little bird attacks Mr. Andy. Until then, little red hen!
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
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I think it is strange that you thought it was okay for Heather to join Terry and Jim’s conversation and for Tamara to come over to stir the pot was totally out of line. It was none of her business. You may not like Alexis and Jim, but the way these people have been treated is pretty disgusting. Heather and Terry’s true colors will come out. They are already pretty petty to talk so much smack about their guests. Plain tacky and no class.