When Birds Attack
It’s during the 30-second funny that we get the bird attack. Mr. Andy’s asking a question about Donn2 when all of a sudden a little sparrow dive bombs him in the face. Practically plucks his eye out! Ermagherd! The bird proceeds to dive at Mr. Andy and the wigs over and over again like a kamikaze before taking a seat on the stump-like coffee table and sizing things up. What in hell? Aside from the fact that they are indoors, this is a huge place, so why is the bird going FOR people rather than AWAY? Is this a Tucson bird? In Tucson we have the most incredibly stupid birds, anywhere, any place. I have hit no fewer than four birds with my car over the years, flying straight into not just my windshield, but even the side of my moving vehicle. Aren’t birds supposed to have sonar or something? Accident avoidance technology? Just this week I’ve had two birds hit my office window and four fly into various house windows. Last month I had a hummingbird in the house, that was an experience. Birds are pleasant enough in the wild but a little scary indoors, I won’t lie. Benign, yet unpredictable little f%^&ers. I think this bird was looking for wig hair for her nest. And I also think it was Estelle Getty reincarnate.
Phony phony phony
Let’s spend the rest of this hour talking about phoniness, shall we? Assy is still upset about the phontervention and the way it was conducted as a whole ganging up thing. Heather insists she was clear and concise, and not responsible for how anyone else piled on, which is curious logic. Tammy is asked by a fan why she was so “vile and cruel” to dear sweet Assy. Tammy explains that their coffee confrontation was Assy’s idea, and that 45 minutes of nonsense and Assy begging for “specifics” had preceded her laying it all out there. Assy thinks Tammy is old and bitter, and says she, Assy, just likes everything to be happy, encouraging, and uplifting. Like it was in Costa Rica after you left, says Tammy. Zing!
Assy and Gretch get into an argument about whether or not Gretch warned Assy in advance about the planned phontervention. Assy seems to both acknowledge she was warned and try to claim Gretch hung her out to dry at the same time. Caught in this muddle, she does what only the desperate can do: accuses Gretch of unacknowledged cosmetic enhancement! She’s lied that she told Assy the phontervention was coming on the plane, AND she’s lied that doesn’t have extensions or fake lips! HA! Take THAT! You’re a fake and a phony, and I wish I’d never f%^&ed you, either!
What does Vic think, especially since Assy launched the same sort of phontervention on her in San Francisco several seasons ago? Meh. She thinks this should have been handled in private. She never would have let them gang-bang Tammy, she says. Zoinks! I hope not!
And that’s when the real good stuff starts: Heather lets fly that Assy treats the Bravo crew worse than Heather has ever seen anyone treat a crew in her whole mediocre acting career. Mr. Andy is intrigued and asks for examples. Heather tells him that Assy is “hideous” and treats the crew “like trash”, and that’s not all! People in department stores all over the OC will tell you the same thing! Nordstrom, BCBG, the gym – there’s even a Facebook page devoted to it! (Note: I have looked for this page and so far no dice. If anyone finds it let me know. If you can’t comment here, come on over to thislittlemama.com! I did find a number of retail service providers commenting on Assy’s official Facebook profile about their unpleasant interactions with her and Jumbo, but not a dedicated Jumbellino Complaint Page.)
Assy denies it all, insisting that “everyone” tells her she’s nothing but sunshine and unicorns farting fairies to deal with. Remember, she’s being victimized because she’s so kind. This is when Tammy tells “Jesus Jugs” that she is “psychotic”. I wonder how long it took Tammy to come up with that one? Although I will say, I look down at my jugs from time to time and all I can say is, “Jesus!” Assy thinks the whole issue is that Tammy doesn’t like Jumbo, but Jumbo really does have friends, 55 of them, and they are coming to his birfday party in Napa really soon! In fact even Vic’s coming, and she’s flying in the private jet. Oh-HO! shout the ladies! Heather points out that someone with real cache would simply say that they were “flying together”, and anyone who matters would get it, and she’s right about that. Gretch starts to melt down about how much she loves Assy and it pains her to hear people talk about her friend like this, but she loves her enough to tell Assy the ugly truth. This is gonna hurt me more than it hurts you!
Next week: more vitriol, Tammy tells Donn2 to take off the skirt, Gretch tells Assy that Fox5 really hated her and wanted Gretch to replace her, and Briana comes on to tell her mama like it is. Chug chug ladybugs!
Written by: Elizabeth Spilotro
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