We return to Vic’s browner-than-ever house, which is no longer on the market (or so it seems, I suppose it could still be) but Donn1 and Michael have moved out and Briana and Mr. Briana have moved in to await the imminent arrival of their baby. Vic thinks this will be the perfect arrangement because there’s plenty of space and she can help Briana when Mr. Briana deploys. Famous last words. Because of the changes in living arrangements, Vic has piled all her brown, tasseled, gold-fringey Guidice yard-sale furnitures in one room and now needs her underpaid assistant to help her move it all here and there while they slop wine during frequent breaks. Nothing like moving heavy furniture under the influence – this is how grand pianos go out upper story windows, you know! Be warned!
The other big news with Vic is that she got her face overhauled by Alexass’ nose doctor, and has broken up with Donn2. All she’ll say about Donn2 is that she became “unsettled” by the negativity so she needed a break. As for the face, she got her nose done, got fat moved from her caboose to her upper cheeks, and got a chin implant. I didn’t think her chin was so weak before so this particular rearrangement strikes me as odd and unhelpful. Vic’s face is still numb from all this interference with how God and Vic’s parents made her, and none of the other ‘Wives have gotten to check the new and improved Vic out yet, so a big reveal awaits. Why did she do this? Apparently Slade’s Miss Piggy comments got to her. This ought to help. You never expect the Muppets.
Over at Chateau Dubrow, Heather’s conducting a practice clambake with her family in advance of inviting all the Housewives – less one critical omission – over for a real clambake that a caterer is going to prepare. There are two things missing from this practice clambake: (a) clams (we’re having lobsters), and (b) onion rings, per Dr. Terry. Dr. Terry wants onion rings and who can blame him, besides Heather, who is finding him to be a little bother. Heather and Dr. Terry discuss the planned clambake, which will be handled by a caterer and guarded with fierce security, because Heather is NOT inviting the Jumbellinos and is not going to put up with them or Sarah The Bow Eater attempting to crash. Heather says Alexass is not invited because she doesn’t want her in her life; I question whether this segment of filming was conducted when Assy was in her attempted strike to coerce more cash from Bravo, therefore the unvitation was less an an intentional exclusion than Assy’s failure to qualify.
Meanwhile, Tammy Sue has moved in with Eduardo Estrada and brought all her kids whose names start with “S” with her, and is now discovering all sorts of things about Eduardo that it might have been better to know in advance of moving in. For example: Eddie does not like people to wear shoes in the house. Eddie also does not like the lights left on. Eddie does not like clutter. Is anyone besides me old enough to remember Eddie Murphy “Raw”? I am reminded of poor Lillian. “Lillian may not use the phone! Lillian may not go outside!” Eddie is invested in Tammy Sue’s new fitness venture but is not invested in her redecorating his house, which she is determined to do. She wants a new washer/dryer (that one she’s got looks pretty new so I think she better quit her b*tching) and all new furniture. The future for Mr. & Mrs. Estrada? In doubt.
Guess what? Fortuitiously timed with the season 8 premiere of RHOC is the birth of Briana’s baby! Hot damn, look at that. Someone told Heather, because she calls Tammy Sue who is out shopping for cardigans with Gretch and gives her the news. Gretch has cut her hair and now it looks like Loni Anderson. Have you ever noticed that Loni Anderson has had the same hair since WKRP In Cincinnati? Clearly it works for her, but such consistency suggests “wig” to me. 30 years of the same hair? My boss has apparently been getting his hair cut by the same guy for well over 30 years, but he’s a man.
Anyway. As unlikely as it seems for Heather to be the first to know that Briana is in labor, no one else is talking to Vic (and Heather may not be either, but Production is and they are at Heather’s house, so…). It seems that after the reunion Tammy Sue got a nasty email from Vic blaming her for each and every unfortunate aspect of Vic’s sorry existence, and telling her that Eduardo will leave her one day, this last bit being what truly shocks the blondes. Oooh snap! Tammy and Vic are, therefore, still not on good terms. Tammy’s still not on good terms with Alexass, either, because the Jumbellinos have gone all Maloof and are threatening to sue her for calling Assy “Jesus Jugs”. I am suspicious that actual slander was calling her “psychotic” in the same sentence, but whatever. Tammy and Gretch discuss bullying, comparing and contrasting the “constructive criticism” they shared with Assy to playground harassment. It seems Gretch isn’t talking to Assy, either, after having told the empress that she and the emperor aren’t wearing any clothes. “Jesus doesn’t like liars!” shouts Tammy. “I don’t know who Alexass gets down on her knees for, but it isn’t Jesus!” Champagne is served. Stay klassy, b*tches!
