REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 4/8/13

When we left off, Vic had lumbered in stuffed into a wine-colored tube sock which reminds me of the burgundy Buick Electra station wagon we had as a child. My mother had said “any color but burgundy” so what did we end up with? At least it matched the burgundy afro she sported at the time. My mom’s 1979 hair was hideous, but Vic’s is worse. Especially in contrast to Gretch’s WKRP wig and Tammy Sue’s carefully curled side pony. I just don’t understand going balls to the wall with plastic surgery but wearing unflattering clothing and ratted up hair. Maybe benign hair and fashion neglect is the side effect of being such a busy professional woman with so many irons in the fire. Or adult ADHD.

ANYWAY. Vic arrives and the only people there for her to talk to are Gretch, Tammy Sue, and Eddie, so without an out to be had she does say hello to all and there is a round of hugs, Tammy getting hers last. Friendly inquiries about baby Troy. Everyone is civil until Vic turns her back and Gretch starts whisper-shrieking “WTF?” about Vic’s face. Tammy acknowledges she does not look normal. Gretch thinks she’s still all swollen and claims to see stitches. I think Vic’s gotten the work done where she looks better from certain angles and then super unnatural from others. Tammy goes to ask Heather about it and Heather acknowledges that she “thinks she’s had a little something done”, but that’s as far as she’s going with this because she’s too smart for this situation. It’s like asking whether someone is pregnant – Heather isn’t going to do it unless there’s an actual birth in process and the mother-to-be asks her to hold a leg. Dr. Terry, meanwhile, sidles up to Vic and starts to indirectly pry (because why didn’t Vic come to him?) via flattery. Your skin looks great! “Accutane.” And have you lost weight? “12.” 12 what? Pounds? Stones? Grifter boyfriends?

Various guests we don’t know assemble and Eddie departs for the city council meeting at which Tammy’s fitness center is meant to get permits, which makes his choice of v-neck undershirt even more confounding. If he’s trying to communicate “active lifestyle” I think his shirt needs a logo. Otherwise it’s just “redneck”. Everyone gathers around the table with the ‘Wives clustered at the camera end. Heather makes a gracious toast to closing summer together, immediately followed by demonstrations of how to eat lobster and many double entendres from the potty-minded among us. Vic asks for onion rings and Heather shoots Dr. Terry some nasty side-eye, who insists he did not set that one up. Clams arrive! There are actually clams at this clambake! Served in a tall glass canister of some sort. Gretch eats and enjoys a clam. The girl scoffs at crawfish presented in a plastic bag, but clams in a jar are just fine.

Tammy’s strategy to get through this meal is to try to “ignore” Vic, who is sitting right across from her. It doesn’t last long, because with the preambles out of the way Gretch launches in with direct questions about Donn2 and the state of their relationship. Vic says that they are “taking a step back” because of all the assaults and pressure, but Gretch doesn’t believe it. Why is this important to believe or not believe? Does Gretch think they are still secretly dating? Or that they aren’t? And what difference does it make? What Vic says could just as easily sound like a person who is trying to save face after being dumped as a person who is trying to downplay her relationship. Does it matter? And why do Gretch and Tammy, who out of one side of their mouths can’t stop talking about how awful Vic is, care so much about whether she is being taken advantage of by a hustler? I am missing something.

Anyway, Gretch then tries to make peace between Vic and Tammy by soothingly telling Vic that Tammy was legitimately concerned and caring and just doesn’t have the best delivery. There’s an evil eye reference and let’s not. Vic then starts talking about how Gretch came between her and Tammy. Tammy starts to cry, and first I heard her say “I just want to do this” and think she’s going over to sit on Vic’s lap, but apparently she said “I don’t want to do this” because she stalks off to the house. Heather chases her down and talks her off the edge, that Tammy and Vic both have hurt feelings and neither is empirically right. Vic, meanwhile, tells Gretch that she thinks Tammy is a mean person when she gets mad, and that is definitely empirically right. Tammy sniffs, wipes her nose on Heather’s skirt, and tells her she doesn’t know what she did without her. Heather acknowledges that she’s “sort of like Mary Poppins, but Jewish”. Who says Mary Poppins wasn’t Jewish? They return to the table where Dr. Terry resumes irritating Heather.

Meanwhile, the uninvited Jumbellinos are rolling up to a dance studio in their Rolls. Someone reeeeeally wants to dance with the stars! Assy is all garbed up in a leotard, flouncy butt wrap, and leg warmers. She even has fancy dancy shoes to put on and one of her feet has really wonky toes. What a feeling! Anyway, as they cha-cha, Assy shares that last year Jumbo went through a real struggle: he lost a lot of money on a house. You don’t say! And no one knew, but her (and you, and me, and the intertubes), and she was too busy with her news anchoring and fashion designing commitments to really be there for this novel experience of financial catastrophe. Jumbo had never been anything but a massive entrepreneurial success before this, and losing money on a house just crushed him. Assy tried to talk to Gretch about it but Gretch brushed her off. So she quit the news, bailed on Assy Couture, stood by her man, and now everything is perfect and they got to keep the Rolls and everything. Jumbo now feels so manly and emotionally restored that he’s taking dance classes and joking around like Lucy and Ethel. Ah, mawwaige….