REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ORANGE COUNTY – 4/8/13

Back to the Chateau, where the group has left the chilly bluff for dessert and coffee in the basement game room, and Terry and Tammy instantly recognize the lemon cakes as being from Costco, to my amusement and Heather’s extreme annoyance. Hey, they’re good! And in quantity! Eddie texts that despite his inappropriate professional attire the fitness center permits are approved. Hooray! Tammy makes some comment to Vic that she can slip in to work out during lunch which pisses Vic off for some reason, so Heather decides the two of them need to tawk it out and locks them in the wine closet which thankfully is not a sealed cavern or there would be claustrophobia and filming challenges.

What follows seems to be all Tammy talking: she always thought she and Vic were friends no matter what; Vic can’t live life according to what others think even if that “other” is her, Tammy, erstwhile BFF; Tammy thought Donn2 was slipping over the line from charmer to bullsh*tter and trying too hard, but you know, she could be wrong! Wow, Vic’s skin really looks terrible. I am feeling sorrier and sorrier for her and don’t know why she continues to subject herself to this sordid fiasco of a show. Vic is due for the Geritol and a painkiller so she leaves. Tammy follows with Gretch and they limo home together. Tammy misses the old Vic and can’t trust the new one, sigh. Gretch thinks something weird is going on with Donn2 and Vic’s lying about it. Privately, Tammy thinks Gretch is threatened by Vic. I think these two broads would butt out if they were normal, but they aren’t. They are Housewives!

Let’s get back to Comedy Hour with the Jumbellinos, where the big boobies are a’bouncing at their new trampoline park, Sky Zone! Jumbo offers Assy the first chance to jump in the foam pit which is great because you know customer #1 is going to pee in it. Always want to be first in the foam pit, never #2 or later. Jumbo goes in second, the moron. So Sky Zone is just the latest in Jumbo’s marvelous, Trumplike history of entrepreneurial undertakings: before this there have been hotels (no-tell motels if the intertube reports are to be believed), pool tables, and car seat/grocery cart covers. Sold on Etsy? Now he’s running a bounce house and Assy is the spokesgirl! Perfect for a jiggly blonde, and a good thing because Jumbo is totally out of breath from the first bounce. Assy’s replacement at Fox5 comes to film and there’s a joke about Housewife dodgeball. I think all the producers of those diving shoes need to think about that one. Remember Battle of the Network Stars? Come on, Mr. Andy! Let’s do it!

In other industrious Househusband news, Slade is now hosting RadioSlade with some pink haired old bat and Gretch swings by the studio to visit and listen in on a nasty joke about Vic’s plastic surgery outcome looking like Mickey Rourke. I don’t think they are really on the air. Gretch gets all excited about the Packer cheese wedge Slade has covered with his “RadioSlade” logo and mounted on his microphone so things look really official. Slade is the highest rated hour on the mystery station’s playlist; in my hometown, there’s a radio station where you can have your own hour-long show about anything you want if you can get your own commercial sponsors, so I am underwhelmed. The “station manager”, who also does traffic in his booming baritone, makes a big to-do about presenting Slade’s paycheck. What, no giant fake cardboard check like in the lottery? Now that Slade has a real job marriage is on the horizon! Only if there’s a spinoff…

Done with her own day of work at Coto Insurance, Vic returns home to her brown house which is a total construction mess. She is renovating everything into a Mediterranean/Santa Barbara concept which is really genius timing with a newborn around. Speaking of Baby Troy, his parents are hiding upstairs with him behind a sealed curtain of duct tape and plastic until Grandma Vic barges in and demands to take him downstairs with her while she cooks on a hot plate next to the paint cans and cement mixer so Mom & Dad can have “date night”. Ryan declines Grandma’s offer/threat, for obvious reasons. It’s not like the store has reopened for business anyway. Brianna gets mad that Grandma smeared glitter on the baby. She may have loose ideas about child safety but that Vic can sniff a poopy diaper from half a construction zone away, so she’s good for something.

Over at the Barney/Judge residence, Tammy Sue and Eddie are involved in some loving-hands-from-home art project which involves their dog putting a paint pawprint on a canvas, and I want to scream at the TV that this is not going to end well, especially with Eddie’s OCD. I spent a solid fifteen minutes yesterday morning trying to determine which dog was trailing poop off of which paw all over my kitchen, and then trying to pin the dog down to clean it off. Normal people use a brush and pretend.

Anyway, Eddie casually turns the conversation to Vic, because you know they never had a chance to catch up on the part of the party he missed until the Bravo cameras came back. Tammy says that Vic wants Tammy back in her life. Really? I didn’t get that out of the interaction at all. Tammy also says that as far as Donn2 goes, Vic made it sound like he dumped her, which is what I thought too, and Eddie says she’s lying. In fact, Eddie thinks Vic is a lying snake and is worried she’s going to hurt his dear sweet Tammy all over again.

Now what in hell is he talking about? When was VIC mean to Tammy, and what would it matter if Vic dumped Donn2 rather than vice-versa or was still seeing him and pretending she’s not? Unless Eddie is somehow referring to Vic telling the world at large that Tammy is a mean old cat for not liking Donn2. Or maybe Tammy wants Donn2 for herself and Vic refused to share. Other than that I am not sure what objectionable behavior she’s engaged in toward Tammy. Am I missing something? There’s no fool like an old fool, as they say, and if Vic wants to be an old fool and chase after some fat ugly grifter who is missing teeth then by all means. I don’t see how it hurts anyone else. Except maybe her kids who have to deal with the new stepf*cker.

Next time: we’ve got a major case of baby fever in the OC! Assy comes to meet Baby Troy, Gretch causes a scene acting like an asshat in a Babies R’ Us, and the Dubrows are fighting about who has to change the baby. Oh, and we finally meet our new Housewife who looks barely past the nursery herself. Ta ta for now!

Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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