Heather admires Puberty Lydia’s gigantic engagement ring and PL replies that “it’s not her real one”. Her real one, it seems, is at the jeweler, so this is a loaner – a loaner that is all real, and it’s fabulous. Heather is visibly relieved and spills the beans about Assy’s predilection for wearing fake rings. Lydia replies by saying that she strives “to be authentic about who I am” and is “not pretending to be something I am not”. I am totally bewildered. Has Puberty Lydia just tossed Assy under the bus, or is this some contorted logic that she wears real jewelry, therefore she is all that and a bag of Cheetos and not a big fat phony? Neither interpretation reflects well on PL’s buddy Assy Bellino.
Commercial time and I flip to CNN. I understand this Erin Burnett made her reputation as a “money honey” on CNBC but I really think she looks far more Miss Piggy than Vicki Gunvalson ever has. Maybe she needs a butt injection in her face.
Back to the OC, where Tammy is touring the empty shell that is her future fitness studio, C.U.T. Fitness, which stands for Cardio Unique Training. I am intrigued to know what sort of unique cardio Tammy and Eduardo Estrada have come up with. Trapezes? Pogo sticking? Anti-gravity boots? Anyway, Vic wants to swing by and see the studio because these two are trying to be friends again, and Vic’s office happens to be right across the street. Sure enough, here comes Vic rolling her Benz out of one parking lot right into the other. LAY-Z! These two don’t seem nearly as tense with each other as they did at the clambake.
Vic assumes we are months away from opening but nope, C.U.T. Fitness opens at the end of next month! (Has it opened yet? Because I am pretty sure this was filmed last fall – you know, the high holidays.) How does Tammy plan to advertise, Vic demands to know? Mmm, I think a feature on RHOC will do it. Plus lots of Tweeting. Who is insuring this operation? So far, nobody. Whooops! Tammy shares with Vic that Eduardo is now her financial partner in this operation and Vic thinks that defeats the idea of doing this independently, but whatever. It will be a convenient place for her to work out at lunch, and she thinks Tammy should have a welcome party. Oh, another Housewives party! Why didn’t Production think of that?
Back at Puberty Lydia’s, we are introduced to her two sons, Stirling and Maverick. Wow, okay. Pretty much ensuring those kids will be known at preschool as Stwing and Ick. PL is trying to pretend it’s all Waldorf preschool all the time and the kids are totally unaccustomed to babysitter Mackenzie. Must be challenging to run this fancy magazine with two panthangers. Mackenzie arrives and PL sneaks off to change for her night out which is when we can see that her fly is down. XYZ PDQ!
Up in the closet we meet Mr. Puberty Lydia and PL shares some background. The PLs both come from money and met in a Christian youth group. They try to stay “down to earth” and live within their means, which are substantial, wink wink! Off the pair goes in their boat to dinner, all champagne wishes and caviar dreams, where they discuss the potential Dubrow cover story (Mr. Puberty Lydia is inclined to decline, because the Dubrows are not quite the “household names” to which Beverly Hills Lifestyle aspires for the cover), and Puberty Lydia performs a highly mature armpit fart in an effort at self-effacement. I am not sure where we are going with this one.
After their reconciliation at the fitness studio, Vic and Tammy meet up for pre-makeup sex drinks at some nearby establishment called Hanna’s. They both are much more nervous than they were earlier, which is to be expected. A nice glass of wine will take the edge off. They both say they were hurt; Vic didn’t think Tammy cared about their friendship failing, and that she shared unpleasant information about Donn2 with her new BFF Gretch. Tammy thinks Vic said a whole bunch of nasty stuff about herself and Eddie, so they’re even. Tammy refuses to take the blame for everyone not liking Donn2, because he accomplished that all by himself; privately she thinks it’s easier for Vic to be mad at her, Tammy, than at Briana, which is no doubt true. They agree they each want the other to be happy, agree to address their issues together directly in the future, and both apologize. I wonder if Vic will get Tammy’s Bubble Bath special.
It’s fall, y’all, which means Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, for the observant Dubrows. Dr. Terry’s faults requiring atonement are a tendency to make crappy jokes, and a failure to spend more time with his family. He makes a really snarky crack about how dirty diapers are “a mommy job”, then turns the screw in his own caboose one twist further by asserting that he “does not partake in mommy jobs”. Let’s be clear: this may be 2013 but all us mommies are well-aware that the vast majority of men perceive a large selection of household or family tasks to be “mommy jobs”. You are just not to speak of it out loud and then we can all continue to get along. Take note, Dr. Terry. Apparently herding cats is a mommy job because one of the mini-Dubrows is screeching like a wet one. Maybe it’s because of the fasting – perhaps a child who is not old enough to atone should be exempt from the fasting.
Back at C.U.T. Studio, Tammy’s in a brown and blue tie-dye Boston Proper maxi to meet her caterer to plan a dinner party for The Wives. She is envisioning an elegant table with candles and flowers, which seems so natural in this raw space with the mold. Meanwhile, Vic is at home in her own brown-and-blue ombre Boston Proper maxi, gathering a bottle of wine and two glasses. Is Donn2 making a prohibited visit? Will his ankle bracelet go off? No, actually Vic is awaiting a visit from Assy, who she intends to invite to this Housewife Party in order to ensure the usual fiasco. Tammy hesitantly gives her okay, because that’s what Production wants. And here we go.
Next time: Puberty Lydia throws Heather under the bus with the fake ring thing. Tammy and Assy have a confrontation, and Tammy tosses Assy out on her bony ass. You know, the usual. Til’ then!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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