So where were we? Oh, right: on the eve of another party fiasco. We return to the OC and Vic’s brown house, where she is swanning along to answer the door in her poo brown ombre crochet maxi dress and welcome her big girl, Assy. Vic needs some Yummie Tummie herself and Assy is looking even more like her own female impersonator than usual. Assy oohs and ahs over Vic’s new face, which makes me go hmmm as didn’t they see each other in the last episode? Production needs to work a little harder at the editing continuity sometimes. Anyway. Assy has a present for Vic and it’s a “here’s to the butt fat you’ve shot into your face” compact, so Vic can always know how beautiful she is and check to see if cellulite is reorganizing on her other cheeks. Vic becomes emotional. Can you feel the love tonight?
So let’s get to business: Vic asks Assy if she will come to Tammy’s party as Vic’s date. Assy is shocked. SHOCKED. Her hair really looks cute, by the way, especially in contrast to Vic’s rat’s nest. Assy gives the whole “oh no, I can’t, I couldn’t, I SHOULDN’T!” and Vic gives the whole “you can, you could, you MUST, you WILL!” until Assy caves. “Oh, alright, but I have to bring my new tiny friend Puberty Lydia because we need to give her a full-cast intro.” Vic shrugs. Assy says she thinks that the univitation from Tammy means they “have a chance”, and she’s going to take the high road. Famous last words, as we all know.
Dawn breaks anew and we’re now at Chateau Dubrow, where Heather is getting dolled up for a radio appearance. I really like Heather in fuchsia and wish she’d wear less black. She’s a Summer. Anyway, Heather’s got a gig filling in for someone named Lisa Ann Walter on the radio and this seems like a much more legitimate radio station than the one where Slimey Slade works. I thought maybe Lisa Ann Walter was Jill ZAAAAAArin’s sister with the radio show but no, that’s Lisa Wexler. Lisa Ann WALTER is a former actress along the lines of Heather Paige Kent. Anyway. Heather gets behind the mike and pontificates on how casual people have become with the term “bullying”. Heather has experienced real-deal bullying when she was in high school and someone was mean to her. She turned to theater, and we all know how that has turned out. This is called foreshadowing, people.
Over at Puberty Lydia’s, PL is getting ready for a playdate and has put on her tiniest outfit for the occasion. The bell rings and PL scurries along, crying “look! It’s our friends! Yaaaaaaayyyyyy!” It’s actually Assy with Lil’ Jumbo and the McNuggets, and now Assy looks even more like her own female impersonator, as if that was even possible. This episode is not going well for her and we’re only 10 in. Puberty Lydia is dazzled by the mesmerizing bling that is this human disco ball on her doorstep, and tells us all she can think of when she sees it coming down the street is the theme song from “The Little Mermaid”. Somehow I think “The Little Mermaid” is a large theme in PL’s life. I bet her whole bathroom has a Little Mermaid theme, complete with shower curtain and matching toothbrush holder. PL tells Assy she met Heather and heard about the fake ring. Assy’s eyes narrow. Changing subject: will Puberty Lydia come to Tammy’s party with Assy and Vic? Sure! Done and done. Our Alexass is now tweaked and party-planned, just how Production likes it.
The sun also sets, and the Dubrows are heading out to dinner with Puberty Lydia and Mr. Lydia even though Dr. Terry would rather stay home and watch Hillbilly Handfishin’ with a bowl of Chex. They meet at an establishment called Sol; hey, wasn’t Heather opening a restaurant? What happened with that? Anyway. Heather shares that it’s hard to meet new people in the OC, and I have the feeling this double date is not going to be the start of a beautiful friendship, either. Sure enough, someone brings up the subject of the magazine and Mr. Lydia totally insults the Dr. and Mrs. by basically telling them they are not in the same celebrity echelon as Helen Hunt, therefore cannot have the cover. Helen Hunt? Is he serious? I realize Helen Hunt is an Academy Award Winning Actress, but she’s no Real Housewife and we all know what really sells magazines these days. Heather informs Mr. Lydia that if there’s no cover then no, “for right now, no”. “That’s awesome,” replies Puberty Lydia, who then goes back to scratching her Strawberry Shortcake figurines to see if she can actually smell anything that resembles the fruits in question. “Oh, and by the way, I am coming to your party!” she shares. “Yaaaaaaayyyyyyy!” Heather instantly censures her, warning her that her Housewife reputation will be established by the company she keeps. PL is unfazed. Gotta get on the show somehow.
We have a teeny-tiny segment where Gretch and Slimey are heading to the airport because Slimey is off to New York where his ailing son is to have major surgery. Gretch can’t believe he’s leaving her all alone in order to be with his son who has a terminal condition. I mean, what will she DO without someone to curl her wig and generally step and fetchit? Anyway. As far as Grayson goes, his mother maintains a blog that has not had an update since last August. The last word on his condition was that in October he was going to undergo a procedure (apparently the one this scene is about) to make him more comfortable. The poor kid – let’s hope things are on the upswing.
Meanwhile, at the BarneyJudge residence, Eddie is offering unsolicited opinions about which dress Tammy should wear for her party and gets his head bitten off. Easy, tiger! And no one – NO ONE – looks good in peplum so the answer to this question is neither, anyway. Tammy is super pissed at herself, and Production, for having caved and agreed to let Assy come to her party. Eddie is blaming Vic because whatever the issue, the answer is it’s Vicki’s fault. Tammy leaves the room to have diarrhea. We didn’t need to know that.