Out in Dana Point, big girl Assy is getting ready to head out, and she’s wearing a purple apron that reads “put on your big girl panties and deal with it” and I HAVE THAT APRON! Except mine is pink. I also have three children. This is, I hope, the beginning and the end of the list of things Assy Bellino and I have in common. Oh, my last name ends in an O so I guess there’s that too. Let’s stop. Anyway. Tiny little Puberty Lydia arrives to pick her up and she’s super-cute in a sparkly tube dress thing that’s of an unusually appropriate and chic length for these Housewives. I like it!
At C.U.T. Fitness, Tammy Sue has descended and declares the caterer’s overhaul a success. They have opened the loading dock and brought in a whole lot of temporary living room furniture and pink, and it does look good – but what does it smell like? That’s really the question. So last week I asked whether this venture, Cardio Unique Training Fitness, had opened, and a reader responded to say oh yes it has, and here’s the link: cutfitoc.com. It’s open, yes, but not exactly unique it is not as I work out in essentially the same fitness club here in Arizona. Same Les Mills classes, same overall concept. In fact, one of my friends who is a fitness instructor saw Tammy and Eddie at the most recent Les Mills training in Vegas. It’s good stuff, but unique it’s not.
Anyway. Tammy has brought two special wine glasses for her two REAL friends, Heather and Gretch, which is sure to differentiate between the Kool Kids and You People right off the bat. Real friend Gretch, meanwhile, is picking up real friend Heather, and is wearing a Xena, Warrior Pageant Princess cocktail dress complete with train. And Gretch is spoiled for a fight because no one has talked to Assy in nine months and now she’s back, that bitch who should know her rightful place in the lunchroom. Damn, Gretch is really sounding like the girl who turned on her best friend in favor of the cool kids. Speaking of cliques, Assy and Puberty Lydia are now picking up Grammy Vic. Teams have been chosen. Dodgeball will soon commence.
Okay: so Tammy is all worked up about seeing Assy, who she’s never liked but has never really stressed over before, to the point where she crapped all day and can’t stop talking about it. Heather reassures her that maybe it will be okay. “No it won’t!” barks Gretch. Tammy wants to get in Assy’s face, really, and Gretch wants to see it happen. Heather is sorry she came. The dorks arrive. Assy comes up and makes what sounds like a genuinely encouraging remark to Tammy, who accepts with more than her usual grace and reserve. Gretch, meanwhile, is seething and avoiding. Puberty Lydia curtsies like her momma taught her when meeting new grown ups. Tammy deals with the awkwardness by showing Assy and PL the architectural model of the finished space. Assy ‘relates’ as a Major Business Woman and Captain Of Industry. Tammy shoots her some side-eye.
The awkwardness of the situation takes hold: Puberty Lydia realizes she came with the dorks and there is no way they are going to let her off their couch. She tries to break the awkward, music-free silence by asking everyone about their kids and families and unfortunately hits the brick wall of a pissed-off Gretch: NO, she doesn’t have any kids. NO, she is not married. YES, she is trapped in a relationship with a useless wig-stylist who cares more about his dying son than about her, and who has left her to manage her ‘do and her corgis alone, and she’s going to be super pissed if she doesn’t get a spinoff after THIS. Damn, the almighty hostility!
Dinner is served and the pack of bitches moves to the table. Tammy is trying to explain how and why they decided to set up shop in this particular location; Vic thinks it’s a perfect place because incredibly successful people like herself office nearby. Gretch starts twitching. Then Vic starts talking about “her” baby which really tweaks Gretch because we all know Vic is menopausal and Baby Troy is not “her” baby. Vic calls Gretch a “stupid person”, and oh Nelly here comes. Tammy tries to change the subject to the psychic who is coming to bless this infernal place. Shouldn’t any psychic worth her salt have told Tammy to cancel this shitshow before it started?
Vic decides now is her chance to make a really awkwardly phrased toast that ends up being about herself, again, and how nice it was for Tammy to allow Assy to invade their space. Take it away, Tammy! “Now that you bring it up, what are you doing here?” AND the wheels come off. Alexass and Heather and Tammy and Gretch are all yelling at once about lawsuits and fingers and bullying and ganging up. Lalalalalala! Tammy has had enough. “I wanted to be with my closest friends,” she sniffs. “You know, the ones who got special glasses. Not you losers. I think I am very gracious to allow you to step foot in here.” SNIFF.
A whole rollicking bitchery ensues about whether or not Assy was meaner to Vic than any of them have ever been to her in San Francisco a hundred years ago. Egads, I can hardly remember this incident, but it’s fresh like a new paper cut to these bitches. Even Heather, who wasn’t even a fart in their imagination yet. Heather accuses Assy of refusing to take responsibility for anything, which actually may be a fair assessment. Assy is trying to talk over Heather when Tammy decides she’s had enough and furiously, loudly, unequivocally throws Assy OUT. Then tells Vic in no uncertain terms to pick a side. Vic chews. I am a little afraid of Tammy right now, not afraid to say it. I’d chew and think about it, too.
Next time: everyone’s mad. Eddie won’t commit to actually getting married (wow, that’s original). Mr. Briana, as the Man Of The House, won’t let Donn2 in. Oh, and Vic’s family want Donn1 back. So do I, so do I!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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