The next day: snowmobiling. Snowmobiling apparently calls for Heidi braids, because Assy, Jem, and of all people Vic are sporting them. Heidi braids do work better with helmets and goggles, I’ll give them that. Snowmobiling also calls for fur hats because we have three of those, too. There’s lots of tension, but Jem is not giving up hope that this snowmobiling excursion will bring them all “an enchanted secret garden moment”. A what? There will be no gardens, there will be no enchantment. There will be icy wind, loud noise, and the smell of exhaust. You’re on the wrong trip, Jem.
Vic is WOO HOO SO EXCITED because she is a snowmobiling expert, you guys! She spent lots of time growing up in Hayward, Wisconsin. I, too, have spent considerable time in Hayward, Wisconsin, famous for the Birkebeiner cross-country skiing race, the world’s largest fiberglass muskie, and the World Lumberjack Championship. It is also famous for said lumberjack competition’s most famous challenger, Sean Duffy of Real World Boston, now a U.S. Congressman. If I am not mistaken the guy who founded Famous Dave’s is also from Hayward. I will actually be in the area next week myself, but you will not catch me claiming to be a snowmobiling expert just because I’ve seen it happen. Our resident expert quickly zooms off the trail into the trees and loses her apparatus. So much for that. Drinking whiskey and talkin’ big.
The enchanted snowmobile tour goes along just fine after that until Vic and Tammy have to pee. They elect to take a nature in the middle of a big field of snow – no discreet trips to the woods to be had here. I can’t tell who’s who but I think it’s Lauri who makes a curtain for Vic, leaving Tammy hanging her ass out in the wide open tundra for all to see. I would have expected Assy, with all her last-season claims to intense wilderness experience growing up in Missouri, to have dug a latrine or something. The pee break devolves into a snowball fight in which Vic vents every stinking issue or frustration she has pent up. Lauri asks if they can have coffee sometime and talk it out. Vic agrees although she has no intention of having a summit of any sort with evil Lauri. The end.
Back in LA, Heather is having a fantastic time reviving her show business career, and calls Tammy to tell her how great it all is. Tammy tells her that things are weird in Canada and Gretch is mad at her. “About what?” Heather asks, in the flattest possible tone of voice. It’s all about this mixup with whether or not Gretch didn’t ever have a role on “Malibu Country”. Fancypants so could not care less. Tammy is troubled by Gretch’s loose sense of Truth, because she’s gotta find a way to disengage herself from this Sisterhood of the Friendship Bracelet somehow.
The final night in Canada is spent at dinner at one Bearfoot Bistro, which features an ice room. An ice room is a very cold room – minus 26 degrees celsius, in fact, which sounds majorly intense but is only -14 Fahrenheit, a temp any good Canadian calls balmy. What one does in the ice room is vodka shots, which will come later. Vic actually brought that hideous backless sparkly drape that so horrified Briana, and she’s wearing it, no bra. YACK! Lauri’s in another ratty vest, nothing underneath, and looks like a cavewoman. Tammy announces to one and all that Vic is horny, which causes Vic to shatter her champs glass in her beary man hand in indignation. Vic’s hair is a disaster again – that didn’t last long.
As dinner roles along a vodka expert arrives, hustles the ladies into Eskimo coats, and herds them into the ice room as Assy desperately reapplies spackle and Vic shrieks about the cold. Girl, I thought you spent a whole lotta time expertly piloting snowmobiles in Hayward, Wisconsin, where the temp routinely dips below -14F. Weenie. Apparently drinking vodka in a really cold room takes away the burn and makes the vodka thick, which seems undesirable to me, but after threatening the gang with seven years of bad sex there’s a Polish toast and bottoms go up. Jem is not a shot kind of girl, but we knew that.
Next Vic starts daring people to lick the walls like the bully in “A Christmas Story” and the vodka expert starts to wonder how this will affect their health permit. It’s all funny haha until Tammy actually gets stuck to the wall! Thick cold vodka won’t detach the tongue so the vodka expert turns to hot water and Tammy finally gets loose with only a small section of tongue left behind. Bearfoot Bistro should frame it, with a plaque. Assy thinks this is God’s way of telling Tammy to hold her tongue. Or it’s Tammy’s way of learning the hard way not to stand on her head spitting wooden nickels, or put her head in a bucket, or lick icy walls just because Vic says to. So far this season Vic’s peed on a bed and Tammy’s licked a wall and gotten stuck. Best. Season. Ever. Vic raises a glass and toasts the assembled that life is about having fun, moving forward, and having inspiring people around you. And regressing.
Next: I think we’re nearing the end, people! Gretch is recording a really cheezy ballad with which she will propose to Shady Slade; Heather and Dr. Terry consider a “change”; and confrontations abound between Gretch and Assy and Vic and Donn2.
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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