Time for the wheels to come off: inside the house but on mike, Ryan finds Puff Mommy reclined on a couch with her feet up. Ryan demands to know what she’s doing and Puff Mommy threatens to fairy dust him, which is where things get dicey. Ryan demands to know who she is (a guest, obviously – she’s in white like the dress code, it’s not like she climbed the wall in that short skirt) and Puffy demands to know who he is, too. “I own – I live here!” Ryan shouts. Oooh, Vic’s not gonna like that! A big argument breaks out, there’s lots of shouting of “f*ck” and “b*tch” from Ryan, which is totally uncalled for and uncouth, and next thing you know they’ve taken it outside to Mama Vic with her National Geographic boobs all hanging out and Briana and Jem are involved. Vic tries to comfort Puffy with a hug and Ryan starts to shriek. “Don’t hug her! Stick up for family! I am going to throw her ass out!” Is that any way to treat a lady? How embarrassing.
Jem decides to deal with this fiasco by leaving and taking Puff Mommy with her. Jem points out that if you are so damn picky about people having contact with your furniture you should not have a party for 200 people at your house, and she’s right about that. Of course Vic could have set up ropes like the Dubrows do, and she should certainly consider herself lucky she doesn’t have a shitbrown Maloof skidmark on her sofa like the Umanskys. Meanwhile, Brother Billy leaps in to confront Ryan and turns this all into a big picture deal about it being Vic’s house and Ryan interfering with her right to do as she pleases, like fornicate with icky old men at home rather than no-tell motels.
In the end, Vic pleads and cajoles and convinces Jem and Puffy to stay and banishes the Culbertsons to the nursery, where she eventually ascends to quietly correct Ryan that he should not have yelled at “an elderly woman”. Ryan insists he was entirely correct to shout at the not-so-old b*tch all horizontal on the furniture and that Vic should thank him for having done so. Vic sighs and her rolls sparkle. Let’s talk about this dress for a minute: during the 100th episode Vic bemoaned her blouse and poly pants from the season 1 intro, but truly, unquestionably, this getup is her absolute rock-bottom. Deep cleavy cowl neck exposing the saggy bags, ruching up the ass like a cleft, squeezing, bulging, rolling, glittering all over. I suppose she thinks she looks like Dolly Parton but I think she looks more like that over-the-hill actress who always shows up at the Oscars in something mortifying – It’s horrifying. Donn2 will never want to lay pipe here after seeing this, but oh how Vic hopes, and she tells Briana she’s going to start seeing him again. So Briana’s moving out. She doesn’t want to be Vic’s mom anymore, and aside from the fact that she shouldn’t have to, she’s not doing a very good job having let her run around in public in that getup.
Enough of that: since it’s pile-on Gretch night, time for Tammy and Gretch to talk it out. Tammy thinks they are in a “weird place” and confronts Gretch about not having enough time for her. Tammy thinks Gretch holds on to things while Tammy lets them go right away. Maybe? Gretch is still mad that Tammy was not honest with her about her improving relations with Vic and Assy, and makes the point that while she was doing so she was still talking crap about them to Gretch who was keeping it to herself. Tammy says she was telling Gretch what Gretch wanted to hear, and she still feels manipulated about the “Malibu Country” dress day thing. They agree to be honest going forward and move on. Whatever. We’re done here, obviously.
Next it’s Vic’s chance to take on Slade and Gretch, and she tells Slade that he’s been terribly unkind about her looks and disrespectful of her as a woman, but she’s proud of her renovated house, face, and life, and therefore here’s the first bottle of Vicki’s Bacon Vodka. What? Gretch and Slade joke that they should start making DD (Deadbeat Dad) vodka to compete with VV (Vicki’s Vodka) vodka, which is probably one of their more solid business ideas. But enough of that, Slade thinks he’s entirely within his rights to make sh*tty cracks about Vic’s Tupperware face because Vic makes sh*tty cracks about his character and that’s worse. Further, he doesn’t treat her like a woman because she acts like a dick and has one, too. Vic wags her finger at him that he needs to be careful how he treats women and it’s ON. Jem goes after him about the Cheeseburger Incident. Vic starts shouting that Slade a POS. Gretch starts yowling how it’s so UNFAIR that Vic can “bang 12 guys” and call her out for cheating on a dying man and make all these deadbeat dad cracks while dating one herself it’s NOT FAAAAAAAAIR! Jem thinks they are both talking out their asses. Slade announces he doesn’t want to be a bigger person because these b*tches are mean, so there. Nanny nanny boo boo. What a fun party!
So where are we now? Vic is no longer with Donn2, or it’s “complicated” and maybe sorta. Briana is on her own with Ryan in Afghanistan getting his negative energy out on those Talibans rather than pothead grannies, and moving into her own apartment with the baby. “Malibu Country” got cancelled so that was a whole lot of nothing for no good reason, and Heather is keeping herself busy plotting the new Chateau Dubrow. Assy is still acting. Tammy’s gym is finally open and she’s gearing up for her wedding spinoff. Jem’s the same and her mom’s still off the weed. Slade’s radio show got cancelled when a Christian company bought the station, and Gretch is still pissy. And Vic’s rolls are spilling over the top of her Spanx. Gawd.
Next week: part 1 of the three part reunion! Whee!!
Written by:
Elizabeth Spilotro
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