As much as I enjoy entertainment that involves both frigid chills and terrifying thrills, one thing I have never been drawn to is gratuitous carnage. And it is with that aversion in mind that I have decided to start a petition to remove Shannon from The Real Housewives of Orange County before her head goes spinning off of her neck and gains real height and then bursts into a pink pulpy mess midair like a psychologically-damaged watermelon. Now, I know what you’re going to say: Shannon makes for good television with her array of crazy – and I wouldn’t argue with that – but I also genuinely believe that we are watching a woman implode from within and the whole thing has started to make me feel just a little bit grimy.

Shannon is an adult. She is not thirty. Yet somehow during all of her stages of development, she managed to leap over the stage where she should have learned the skill to at least appear differently on the outside from how she actually … Continue reading →

According to an online quiz that I’m positive is completely reputable and totally scientific, the owl is my spirit animal. Yes, both Ollie the Owl (I named my spirit animal – it makes it so much more meaningful) and I are brimming with intuition and wisdom and with this new validation I feel I can make a statement: Shannon is a walking, deflecting frayed piece of a gnarled nerve that I imagine she likes to chew on so she won’t bite her nails or actually consume anything with a caloric content and she very well may be whatever the clinical definition is for “completely deranged.” Now, I realize that I am not a doctor and sure, I barely passed Biology, and okay, maybe the results of that quiz were wrong and I’m really a koala, but I still feel relatively comfortable offering up such a diagnosis because to look at the scenario in any other way would require that we believe that Meghan was legitimately out of line for initially calling Shannon on her very … Continue reading →

Okay, I’m just going to say what nobody here wants to say: Meghan, at this early point in time – just three episodes in – I think we’re all prepared and very willing to like you. Personally, I think that you come off as intelligent and pretty and so unbelievably thin that I’d like to meet with you privately so you might rub yourself against me in the hopes that whatever parasite you have been infected with leaps directly from your ravaged digestive system into my own. I want your good standing on this show to grow and to prosper, like a beautiful cherry tree that I hope you get to plant in the front yard of a home you will never have to move from, a tree so lovely that Shannon will not be able to stop herself from pissing on it during a luncheon because of that one time when you didn’t flirt with her husband. And with that form of kindness in the forefront of my mind, I have to tell you … Continue reading →