OK, enough of these shenanigans, let’s get to it because my vacation is mere hours away. The curtain lifts and Heather is taking Dr. Terry out to get some new clothes made by master men’s designer David Heil. Does he design for Haggar? Sansabelt pants with elastic accommodations? Nope, David Heil designs for David August (oh, of course!) and features lots of manly ties in lilac and blush. Dr. Terry, who dresses like a doctor (scrubs and orange Crocs?) is a little confused as to why he’s here being challenged on his fashion choices by a man whose every feature – nose, sideburns, cheekbones, chin – curl up and forward. I bet David Heil is wearing elf shoes.
What does a good doctor need to have a functional adult wardrobe? A “black tie outfit” (could there be a kilt? I love kilt with black tie. HOT for it. Not joking.), one navy suit, one grey suit, and one “change of pace” suit. Is that code for a birthday suit? We never find out because David Heil does not have a swatch for it. $65,000 later, Dr. Terry has increased his curb appeal which will help when he is working the corner.
Elsewhere, Tammy Faye and Eduardo Estrada are workin’ on their fitness at the Renaissance Club Sport, in glamorous Aliso Viejo. Fitness, Tamra tells us, has been her saving grace during her taxing divorce experience. As Eddie coaches her in bicep curls I can’t help but notice that his voice is a slight octave higher than that of our Tammy Sue. Yes? Interesting. Details…anyway, Tamra has decided that her big plans to make it big in bidness are leading her toward owning her own fitness studio. Moving to the TRX bands, which Tammy has said in her Bravo blog will be part of her new fitness studio offerings (and for these two product placements said bands will be arriving free of charge…), Tammy complains again about how difficult the Tamrassets really make life. Not just for flexing on the TRX bands, but also for bending over. See, Tammy can bend over, but she can’t then access an airway. Eddie, for his part, can bend, and from there can behold the magic. He’s the Ridickulous of the West Coast, Latin style. Ole, ole!
Let’s head to Coto de Caza and visit Vic, who is lounging in her “sitting area” on the most incredibly unattractive brown couch I have ever seen. Just then, ring ring! It’s Brianna, with great news! Despite having had 35 spreading tumors she in fact has NO thyroid cancer! That truly is great news. Brianna will be taking synthetic thyroid drugs for the rest of her life (which, if my friends’ experience is any judge, will take quite some time to get properly leveled so let’s not give Brianna crap about her weight in the meantime.) and is now free to elope within the week. Which she will do. Mazel tov!
Back to Tamra, who’s all fitness all the time this season and this episode in particular it seems. She’s coming over to Heather’s for the first time and is awestruck by the splendor. Heather must have decided that having one Housewife over, alone, during the day, knowing that she has high, gated security, is safe enough. Tamra is wearing black capris, a cute hot pink hoodie, and an Under Armour visor like she’s part of the RW/RR Challenge cast. Heather is in all black and looks like four toothpicks tied together with a rubber band wearing sneakers. I think she makes the weight restriction for a Britax Marathon, forward-facing.
So after pumping a little iron, what’s left on the Jane Fonda Agenda? How about a mud run? In case you aren’t friends with the 50 friends I have who have run mud runs in the last 30 days, a “mud run” may be something foul not to be further discussed, but is also a boot-camp style obstacle course through a big wet mess. Oooh, sounds like a blast! Better mud than sand, I guess. I HATE SAND. Tamra’s mud run will take place at the Del Mar Racetrack; Vic won’t do it because she doesn’t like to get dirty, and Assy has that new nose deal going on, but Gretch and the Magical Penis are in and they are all going to wear cute shirts, so why not? Heather is in! Because she, my friends, is a joiner. I am too, really. And that’s why Heather and I are friends.
How is Assy’s nose, by the way? Well, Gretch is finally stopping by to check things out. Nurse Nicole must have gone home because Gretch has to let herself in and make her way up the incredibly steep staircase in her Pretty Woman hooker boots carrying a pot of pink hydrangeas and it’s nothing short of a miracle that she doesn’t end up ass over teakettle with potting soil permanently embedded in that wig. Gretch enters the Dungeon of Navy to find Assy in bed with a surgical mask on her face like Michael Jackson. Sweet Jesus El Hombre! Did she meet his same fate and lose the nose completely? To distract from the mask, Assy is clad in nothing more than a carnation pink camisole which is doing nothing to help the Big Girls. When your boobs are bigger than your head, each, you have to go for more support than the shelf bra. Assy still has black eyes and is all mad at Tammy Sue, but she’s got photographic evidence of the gummy bears Dr. Nosejob found up her honker and she’s going to show them to anyone who will sit still and listen for two secs. But that’ll have to wait, because recovery is going to take quite some time. BTW, when we go to Alexass’ ITM I see a faint hint of a mustache.
Back to Coto and Vic’s still hanging out in the Ugly Couch Room, now hanging equally tacky clothes on a temporary clothing rack installed therein to give to unsuspecting women trying to re-enter the workforce. “Working Wardrobes” indeed. The bell rings and who do you think it is? Jeana? Dammit, I wish, it’s Tammy Sue again, come by for some more egg whites in a Flashdance top with straps across the back. Very Boston Proper, as usual. Half of Donn1’s clothes are still in the master closet, which is okay with Vic as she’s never been alone and that’s why she won’t let Mike move out. But despite it all Vic’s SO HAPPY with Donn2. He gives her three to four cheezy greeting cards a day and she gets an affirmation quote every morning. It’s all she wants. Tammy Sue isn’t buying it, and neither am I. Vic wants attention, says Tamra, but it’s not authentic. It feels staged. Vic, for her part, wants Donn1 to be happy (oh, he is, my friend, he is…) and wishes her divorce could be fornicated or whatever the word is. That’s BIFURCATED. You know, like two parts. Whatever.